Knocker shits in his nest

The Oak over the weekend has presented the usual entertainment, in particular due to the ‘fallout’ from the barbeque party at Senecar house. Because of the sheer numbers of people attending the party the venue had been switched to the farm as the original location, Emma’s house, would be far too small to host 100 people. Emma, Adele’s first daughter and David, had organised the party for Elizabeth, second daughter, before she leaves for the U.S. to take her pilots training. Like most events of this nature they always become oversubscribed, so the decision to move the venue was predictable. 

The party began at 4pm concluding twelve hours later at 4am, so it was understandable that there would many guests with dodgy undercarriages as a result of being seriously over served throughout the celebrations. Knocker always enjoys a ‘good do’, not disappointing anyone he certainly made the most of this one, the extent of which he was about to find out, when the ‘Oak inquisition’ brought him to book. It transpired that he had re-kindled a pleasurable but dubious schoolboy delight of clutching the ‘gentles’ of most of the male guests along with a few ladies. Later in the night he crudely propositioned one of Emma’s work colleagues who, even today, remains traumatised by his advances, hurriedly leaving the party early a blubbering wreck. He managed to confine his customary clothes strip to the Rave tent, where most people were too pissed to notice, and where his scroat grabbing also mercifully ebbed away. But today he had become the focus of a three pronged attack but especially from ‘Roan’, who was the unfortunate young lady’s as well as Emma’s forceful, crusty boss. She had taken it upon herself to personally defend her younger colleague who was still in therapy after Knocker’s misplaced sweet talk. Of course, everyone else who had or had not witnessed his unwelcome oral assault on this innocent 25 year old chipped in with tuts and nods encouraging the sanctimonious Roan to go straight for the jugular. No mercy was offered as the crowd distanced themselves from the hapless Clubber as Roan now preferred to call him.

 “You should be ashamed of yourself Clubber, you reduced the poor girl to tears” Roan was taking full advantage of the supportive home crowd, “she will never be the same, I fully suspect that she will not be in work on Monday being heavily sedated with class B drugs”. Knocker had only one defence, but his apparent memory loss was not sufficient to subdue the preaching of the pontificating Roan.             

Knocker does have somewhat of a chequered romantic past, usually returning from a trip he has been known to bring back a young girl where most people would be content to smuggle cartons of fags. He tends to have two or three girlfriends on the boil at the same time never being able to balance all three relationships he messes up all of them. He definitely suffers from ‘too many bikes’ syndrome constantly forgetting where he’d left one the night before,  never being able to remember which one to ride next. The fact is, he is a harmless, hapless, youngish man who persistently piles up broken relationships whilst simultaneously enjoying life to the full. I am still not sure that he deserved this sustained attack from Roan, but perhaps he did?

The Stella and lime that she had been drinking for most of the afternoon suddenly began to kick in, her subsequent outbursts became repetitive, less coherent, strangely bawdy. “Men are all bastards anyway; they are only good for shagging. Come to think of it I could just do with a good, hard, rough shag up against a wall”. Chris jokingly stepped forward to offer his services but was rebuffed by “I don’t want a wrinkly old fucker like you I want a young buck with a big stiff cock, how about you Clubber?” Knocker left the building immediately cheered on by the bemused crowd. We were all gratified to see yet another victim had fallen foul of Stella as Roan lay precariously prostrate on the bar stool. The biter bit?

Saviour or Shithouse?

                                   Burlington Diary September, 2006

Fri.01.09.06.The journey to Triumph Nuts was tedious, having to negotiate the centre of Warrington at 2.00pm proved difficult, seasonally hot, needlessly congested, extremely frustrating. From Stockton Heath through to the M56 was equally uncomfortable, consequently when we eventually arrived at ‘Nuts’ the temperature in the car was simmering just below boiling point.

Merely one miniscule echelon above Richard in Sheffield there was, at least, some semblance of order with cars in various states of decay untidily outlining the entrance to the stores/workshop. A dirt floor shed was home to shelves of rusting salvaged Triumph parts, two ‘poorly’ semi- restored vehicles, a leaning, teetering sales counter bordered by at least three dimly lit adjacent store and workshop spaces. This was not the place that appeared in ‘Classic Car’, the colourful full page ‘ad’ depicting an ordered, well-organised, professional space. 

There was little evidence of imported or in house reconditioned parts, a modern brightly illuminated, ‘tooled up’ workshop or even the air of calm, calculated, focussed efficiency. This was a scrapyard with dangerously overloaded ‘dexion’ racking. The childlike excitement, invigorated enthusiasm from the evening before was evaporating quickly, nevertheless, quite surprisingly Chris remained up beat. He had spoken to Steve earlier to arrange our visit and was certainly impressed with his knowledge of Triumphs, his no nonsense descriptions supported by his apparent honest appraisals of his rivals, ‘Rimmer Brothers’ and ‘Flitchetts’. The environment was a definite negative but perhaps the ‘man’ could dispel the doubts.                                                                                 

Steve arrived smiling and welcoming; he was of indeterminate age, with oily black joggers topped by a grubby cream jumper, he immediately and proudly escorted us around his premises. He could well have been Richard’s blond twin, mistakenly separated at birth at the Sheffield Royal in the 70s, 80s or possibly the early 1990s... “I bought my first Herald for £75.00, stripped it down and sold the parts for £2500.00, that’s how I got started.” 

He answered all our immediate questions, confidently supported with gusto, colourfully embellished by various wounds sustained after skirmishes with angle grinders but mainly by personal experience. He could better any of his competitors on price, supply quality stock within seven days notice for cash and with a smile. Certainly, the recommendations he made for the engine and gearbox upgrades was faultless. He offered a Spitfire Mk IV overdrive box for £250.00, a reconditioned head for £225.00, twin one and half SU’s for £200.00, a pair of Spit seats for £60.00, a steering rack for £35.00, five original four and half inch painted wires for £350.00, plus he would guarantee lower prices on the order that had been destined for Rimmers. Steve was another pleasant yet eccentric anorak typical of who we continue to meet throughout the Burlington project. 

Chris has clearly developed a greater degree of tolerance over the past few months when dealing with these characters otherwise he would not even have stepped out of the car when we first arrived at Chez Steve; but the information and insight that flowed from this Triumph Nut had beneficial substance. Nonetheless, it still remains debatable whether any purchase will be made from Steve, but it has not been an unpleasant encounter, we will always require ‘hands on’ knowledge, which Steve possesses in abundance. On the surface this has been another wasted day but not unforgettable.  

War and Peace

Thurs.31.08.06. The rear half shafts and hubs have been retrieved from Slicks who although having had them one month had not even looked at them. Attempts were made later in the day to split the hubs but years of neglect have meant that they are completely seized. A quick phone call to Richard of Spitz Graveyard revealed that a pair of reconditioned half shafts would be £100 including postage. It would be advisable to actually visit Richard again if nothing else to verify the alleged quality of the merchandise. Richards’ descriptions of components has not always been totally accurate, in fact, at best they have been fanciful, farcical or foolishly optimistic. The trip could be more worthwhile if buying a new head or acquiring a pair of Spitfire seats could be rolled into the equation, but we genuinely know that it would be a wasted trip. One of desperate hope rather than one of dismal reality.

The work schedule for the following two weeks has been posted, its importance stressed and I trust, comprehended, but having been here before I certainly do not expect the list to have any bearing upon what realistically will be achieved.                                                    

The day was slipping away with very little, if any, progress so without admitting to total failure the lifeline of ‘phoning in’ the parts request to Rimmers was grabbed. During coffee we would finalise the order, determine the bottom line cost and post a cheque for the correct amount. At least the parts would arrive early next week perhaps in turn could kick start the project.

Hang on. “There’s a guy in here selling golf ball GT6 wheels and tyres for £150 and a Spitfire overdrive box for £250, it’s a Warrington number, what do you think? He’s trading under the name of ‘Triumph Nuts’, shall I give him a call?” garbled an unintelligible but excited Chris looking up from ‘Classic Car’. “Maybe he has a pair of half shafts, or a matching head or even some seats, why not give him a bell?” suggested a depressed Nigel. “Bags of time, they only close at six.”

Here we go again; perhaps tomorrow would do, or Saturday when they are closed, or next month when we have lost the fuckin’ number. Rimmers have finished for the day anyway, so we cannot tick the task off the list even if we had wanted to: if we go around in circles any more we shall disappear up our own arseholes.

To my amazement a call was made to Warrington before six. Remarkably, this could prove to be the saviour of the project. Chris and Steve, of ‘Triumph nuts’, bonded immediately having an in depth conversation about splitting half shafts, valve seats for green heads, the setting up of the wishbones for true alignment, twin one and quarter or one and half SU’s, overdrive gear boxes, cutting and balancing drive shafts, Spax shockers, Spit springs, steel or spoked painted wheels, torque, revs and converse camber. Steve sounded extremely knowledgeable about completely everything Triumph. The final deal clincher was that he claimed that he could better any of Rimmer’s trade prices with either new or re-con stock. We may have eventually discovered a ‘proper bloke’ who is not a fantasist or slower than a Mexican donkey, spouts bullshit, simply disinterested or spews out bare faced lies. The test will be tomorrow when a visit is planned. Fingers crossed.

This one phone call has energised us out of the sinking pit. Several pints of Becks had been rightfully earned. Down at the Oak Mad John was staring into his flat Duchars, lifting his eyes he asks when the car will be finished. Sensing our trepidation he offered Jo the four volumes of ‘War and Peace’ that he laboured through as a student. “I’ll bet you could read these before they finish the car”. He may not be wrong.        

Bank Holiday Blues

Weds.30.08.06. The August Bank Holiday weekend has taken its toll on everybody resulting in a slight delay returning to work. The ‘Doc’ at the Oak has had his annual ‘beer, pies and bands’ fest over the past four days which has witnessed too many customers being over ‘served’, inescapably leading to surreal conversations after midnight, all of which were embodied by ample doses of  pertinence and relevance personified by a complete lack of logic. The weather of course, was pissy awful.

This does not alter the fact that the project has taken another unwanted hit. The allotted time for completion does seem to be ebbing away. Today has personified this inertia spending the late afternoon shuffling around the engine block, head scratching, finger poking, achieving zilch, fuck all, nada, rien.

Nonetheless, I have been requested to produce yet another definitive, ultimate, conclusive list ‘The Final Programme of Work’, which like the rest will be taped to the wall, then just like the others, subsequently ignored. The repetitive aspects of the work together with the constant state of limbo are generating apathy rather than enthusiasm. The body parts should have been dispatched to ‘Danny the Painter who, by the way, is also a ‘Model’ in his spare time’, (is this not a warning in itself?) the engine panels re-modelled by Richie then taken to Mark to be clad in 2mm aluminium, the new components should have been ordered from Rimmers, the engine should have been inspected and assessed by Paul at ‘Engine Tekniks’, 

Colin Brockbank should have re-welded the rear tank frame, the seats bought from Steve Strange to be passed on to Terry Trimmer, the chassis painted with any fuckin’ anti-rust product along with the underside of the body tub after it has been scrubbed clean and sealed…..but it’s always fuckin’ tomorrow.

I am suffering from a period of disillusionment. I think that I prefer to work with flowers; they usually have a pleasant odour, they make very little noise and they never have an opinion or talk back.  

Further engine investigation

Fri.25.08.06. After further investigation the cylinder head does require much more TLC than was first expected, this has since brought into question its ‘suitability’ or ‘fitness for purpose’. The valves are badly corroded, show evidence of being poorly ground during the previous late 70’s re-build and at least two of the springs are over compressed. It will be a cost exercise whether or not to buy a replacement head from Rimmers or to recondition the original. To add to the complications of this decision there remains the fact that there were existing problems of overheating before the vehicle was stored in 1990 caused directly by the ‘rogue’ cylinder head. In the absence of factually recorded information relying only upon whimsical, nostalgic memories is inadequate.

At the moment the past data that exists misleads, possibly conflicting with my understanding of the circumstances that caused the initial fault. The Burlington had been on the road for 6 months when the idea for the 1981 ‘Beaujolais run’ was formulated. The engine and box had undergone a total rebuild; the unit ran perfectly. During the journey to and from France the car performed impeccably travelling long distances between 80 to 90 mph. A few years later the thought of beefing up the BHP seemed attractive especially when I was offered a twin SU head from a 1300 TC that could be simply dropped onto the block. 

My very first experience of the overheating was many months after the fitting, but I do realize personal recollections become distorted often vague and extremely cloudy. In my ignorance I assumed that this simple exchange would be compatible for the block; disappointingly, the engine began to overheat at moderate speeds of 40mph cooling down when the car travelled at 30mph. Several remedies were ineffectively explored, namely, 2 water pumps replaced, 2 cylinder head gaskets and an additional ‘mini’ radiator added, but the fault remained unsolved. After two summers of frustration together with various failed attempts by several mechanics the car was confined to storage. 

In direct conflict an alternative theory has emerged when a newspaper article was discovered recently in my father’s house publicising the 1981 Beaujolais run. Within the ‘copy’ there is a clear statement describing the car has having newly acquired twin carburettors to achieve greater overall power for the ‘long empty roads of France’. The car ran very sweetly throughout France, with or without twin SU’s? this fact cannot be disputed; it is a categorical piece of evidence. The question remains ‘when and how’ did the overheating defect manifest itself? If the head has never been compatible, implying a later fitting, there seems no valid reason to pursue the prospect of a rebuild. If the head was, in fact, fitted for France then a rebuild is a possibility that must be investigated.                                                                            

The final facture is the cost effectiveness of a rebuild. Rimmers can offer, on an exchange basis, a reconditioned head for £220.00, which comprises of a total overhaul (RH.5217R). The head includes all the valves and springs but less the rockers, shafts and pedestals.           

To follow the route of a rebuild the ‘costing’ for the itemised components include…….

* 144962R rocker shaft complete assembly…………………………..£64.68p 

* 144939 exhaust valve…………………………£4.68p x 4…………£18.72p

* 126857 inlet valve ……………………………£5.53p x 4…………£22.12p

* 58923 valve guide………………………….....£1.96p x 8…………£15.68p

* 130814 valve seat insert, inlet………………...£2.21p x 4………….£8.84p

* 132242 valve seat insert, exhaust……………..£2.21p x 4………….£8.84p

* 136487 valve springs………………………….£2.38p x 8…………£19.04p

* 105118 collar valve spring upper……………..£2.72p x 4…………£10.88p

* 111870 collar valve spring lower……………..£2.72p x 4…………£10.88p

                            Total cost of “home” rebuild……………………£179.66p

There maybe other items that have not been listed but the figures would indicate that a reconditioned head from Rimmers would be the prudent choice, particularly given the dubious provenance of the donor 1300TC head.

Unfortunately, the question of the registration certificate for TWH 164K, issued by the DVLA, arose yet again. We discussed, debated and argued about the potential complications that they could generate if they wanted to be real shits. Eventually, a decision has been made to phone the Manchester office to arrange a rendezvous to have the car inspected. If, as I have been previously informed, the process takes six weeks, September will become ‘crunch time’ for the project.   

On my travels I visited Steve Strange, not the drug crazed punk, but of Douglas Valley breakers who has offered two MGF seats for £25.00. They will of course be knackered but with Terry Trimmer having patterns for the very same seats he should be easily able to cover them in leather; for a nominal fee? 

It has been quite an unusual week of highs and lows; the project in reality is far from meeting any of the proposed deadlines. But the thrilling prospect of the new build epitomises everything we have both been waiting for.     

Better Wednesday

Weds.23.08.06. Miracles can happen. I arrived later in the afternoon to discover that Chris, like myself, was thoroughly ‘jacked off’ with the frustrations of the previous few days, so, after a sleepless night he had laboured long and hard to correct the building faults on the car. He had re-cut and strengthened the front tension bar, which in turn had re-aligned the engine panels. The nose cone also met the bonnet perfectly, the wings hung straight, the entire car looked a picture. The rear wings were added later to complete the re-build. The disasters, frustrating misunderstandings of ‘Shite Monday’ then ‘Tantrum Tuesday’ fade into insignificance when such a successful day occurs. The troubles encountered on the bodywork have now been put to bed. It is difficult to contemplate that all of this work had been started back April. We have displayed true resolve to reach this point but seeing the finished article, imagining the vehicle with mirror like paint, ‘finished’ by immaculate trim, has given us both a sense of great satisfaction.

The chassis still needs to be ‘paint’ protected, the latest order to Rimmer Brothers ratified plus many aspects still entail further research, but there is only ‘good work’ in front of us. We can definitely open a tin of chunks and treat ourselves to a double helping of evap.

 Thurs.24.08.06. The relief of yesterday has extended into today. The project can now be approached with enthusiasm plus renewed vigour: the light bulb has been switched. A gentle rub down of the wings before they are sent to Danny was mandatory, but the main focus of the day was spent inspecting the engine investigating the extent of the damage.

 The car has been stored for 15 years in a damp, leaking garage. The bodywork and chassis have obviously been affected, but, uniformly the engine has suffered. The expansion plugs have popped out exposing water in the cylinders. However, the removal of the sump revealed the big end and main bearings had very little wear or damage.

The bore after the first rebuild had been increased to +30 whilst the main bearing measured -10, the big end bearing being –20. Although rusty, the crank appeared fresh, the pistons themselves were scar free, the piston rings were clean and the little end was tight, movement free. The engine was, in fact, in much better shape than we could have imagined. ‘Engine Tekniks’ at Westhoughton are recognised as the premier local ‘spanner men’ they will probably be the choice when the engine is ready for dispatch. For an approximate cost of £200.00 the work includes, to pressure clean the block, re-grind the crank, replace the cam, re-new the shells, skim the head, polish and re-seat the valves, and finally ‘set the engine up’. The engine parts that we require will be added to Rimmers order. All being well, the definitive requisition should be posted by the weekend ensuring, hopefully, that the new parts will be delivered sometime next week. 

The extensive list of ‘nuts and bolts’ for the final re-build has also been compiled for Brabbin and Rudd, of Darlington street, Wigan, a local, trusted, reliable supplier. There will no doubt be in the future ‘extras’ but at the moment the total cost will be £10.70p.which appears to be a ludicrously small amount of money for such an extensive order.

* 2 x 6cm x M8 for the bumper bracket and wing.

* 4 x 6cm x M4 for the retaining bumper bracket and wing.

* 24 x 2 cm x M1 for the bonnet hinge.

* 12 x 4cm x M10 to secure the body tub to the chassis.

* 50 x 4cm x M8 to fasten the front wings, rear wings and nose cone to the central tub

* 4 x 2.5cm brass x M2 for the bonnet hinge and retention brackets.

* All the relevant spring and repair washers and locking nuts.

This exciting day was only marred by the ‘ever present’ threat of the DVLA pissing on our chips. All the thoroughness of creating the list for Brabbin and Wood, assembling an extensive order for Rimmer Brothers, gathering the data for the engine parts, wading through endless websites for the ‘best deals’, collating information on suspension configurations, ignition systems, carburettor specifications and considering design values of internal trim, instrumentation, raw materials as well as the trappings could all be seriously undermined because they are inevitably subject to inspection by the DVLA. By delaying registration, or worse still, demanding an SVA check the DVLA could seriously jeopardise the entire project. I still remain optimistic that this should not be the case but Chris has grave reservations about even the slightest contact with Swansea.    

Another dry build

Mon.21.08.06. The final dry re-build began today. Immediately into the assembly a problem arose when the new engine panels were fitted: these are the second version of the first, the new copies of the old deemed to be too thin, badly cut and flimsy. They are, predicatively, much stronger, being cut from 15mm thickness marine ply as opposed to the10mm of the originals. But it is the depth and length of the panels that have exposed several complications. When fixed, the front wings sit too low causing excessive stress to the steel mounting brackets. Consequently, the nosecone has shifted to a position preventing the bonnet from matching up, creating an unwelcome gap of 5mm. 

These sturdier engine panels have caused serious ‘knock on’ effects to the correct site of the front body panels. Chris believed adjusting of all the other components around the engine panels was the solution. My opinion was that, if the wings, nose cone and bonnet fitted perfectly to the original ‘Brockbank design’ I suggested that logically, we should attempt to amend the new engine panels and not the four other dependant parts. The debate continued for what remained of the day as the wings, nose cone and bonnet were adjusted, altered, drilled, hammered, screwed, shaved, cut, coaxed, fitted, re-fitted, bolted on, bolted off, lined up, eyed up, fucked up.

Today I have had enough.

Tues.22.08.06. I reluctantly dragged myself to the workshop only to find that the steel brackets that hold and support the leading edge of the engine panels were bolted in place forming a solid foundation upon which the panels, wings, nose cone and bonnet would be attached. “I think I have found out what’s wrong” Chris, excitedly claimed, pointing to a wooden strut firmly linking both of the steel brackets. I also noticed that there had been some minor reduction of the inner leading edge allowing the panels to fit snugly within the brackets. This, I assumed, would facilitate the precise fitting of the front wings and nosecone. Once attached the entire front end of the vehicle was tremendously sturdy. The temporary wooden strut had created the final fourth piece of the ‘rectangle’ that was the engine compartment. 

The wings and nose cone had been attached using the existing boltholes indicating that the build was going well. It only remained to lift the bonnet into place and the complete front end of the car would be there to admire. Of course, the bonnet would not behave itself refusing to sit properly visibly out of alignment with the rest. Instantly this raised doubts over the validity of the other panels.

Again, I attempted to refer to the discussion that had taken place the day before relating to the initial challenge caused by the new engine panels. In particular, how and where they would actually join the body tub, as this assembly directly affects the other build considerations. “It is fundamental and crucial they mirror the ‘Brockbank’ design exactly. Every other measurement has been based upon that ‘model’ if they do not correspond we shall never be able to assemble the remaining parts accurately?” I offered, pissing in the wind.

I continue not to really understand the stubbornness of Chris. Nevertheless, the solution he had chosen was to spend the following four hours adjusting the placement of the wings, nose and bonnet, just as we had done the day before. 

I suggested, again repeated, that, because the engine panels were eventually intended to be permanently bonded to the tub it would be wise to complete that exercise before contemplating the definitive fitting of the wings, nosecone, bonnet, etc… but at this point selective deafness had crept in; I had suddenly become invisible. We have experienced two dreadful days of delays due in part to intractable self inflicted problems. I sincerely hope that these additional drawbacks can be overcome, as a result be justifiably proved wrong, but nevertheless I don’t think the car will be ready for the Beaujolais run.                                                                                           

Sometimes it is better to stay at home and stare at the walls.        

Ergonomic issues

Fri.18.08.06. I have not worked on the car today. I feel I need for a small break to revive my waning enthusiasm. I am becoming slightly depressed with these constant setbacks. Progress is painfully slow, achievement is minimal.

Sat.19.08.06. Over the weekend Chris has started the final dry build. The incorrect location of the rear outrigger brackets has been a reminder that there may presently be other faults that remain unnoticed. The dry build should expose these potential ‘stumbling blocks’ enabling repairs or alterations to be accomplished before the rust prevention treatment can be applied. Already there have been several additional modifications to some of the replacement parts. Namely, the new engine panels have been trimmed to permit access to the suspension turrets. The new left hand drive access aperture has been drilled into the body tub as a preliminary guide for the final route of the steering column. Noticeably, the steering wheel now appears to rest too high to encourage a comfortable ride, this in turn affects the precise sighting of the pedal box, the handbrake and the gear lever. 

The ergonomics of ‘cockpit comfort’ is very critical; but, sadly often overlooked by the average kit car’ builder. There is also uncertainty regarding the exact position the body tub should sit on the chassis. Even though meticulously ‘set up’ by Chris and Colin, specific misgivings have crept into many past judgements. At present, all the fixing points coincide with earlier calculations but clearly, should be 100% correct, but frustratingly recent difficulties are clouding current estimations, casting doubts upon the former data. .

The development of the Burlington has caused many delays but progress should now be rapid. The new components when ordered from Rimmers together with the recycled original parts should permit the project to move on at a pace. The deadline for completion of mid October could be achieved. But, I still think that we are in need of some weighty prayers from Preacher Steven. 

Chassis mistakes

Chugging around from Slicks to Marks in the transporter I could sense that Chris was becoming increasingly tense. There are always concerns that the old beast will let us down, as in the past, gasping it’s last at the crossroads at Standish creating gridlock mayhem or dying outside RG engineering attracting a crowd of grubby, smirking welders offering advice and jump leads. Our fears were unfounded as the old dog performed quite well sparking up first time. We left the engine running whilst we loaded the chassis, just to edge our bets, plodded down Preston road and into Standish. Green lane was traffic free, as was Westmead. Then, Chris suddenly switched to military mode instructing me to reverse the vehicle right up to the garage; he proposed then to quickly leap out hastily opening the door. “As soon as it is unloaded don’t hang around, go back to Slicks, don’t over rev but don’t stall it, for god’s sake….come on quick, it’s the neighbours they are all watching, they think I’m strange at the best of times, they will certainly assume I’m mental if they spot this primeval iron contraption being hidden in my house!” I complied with the military orders ‘doing my part to ensure the covert operation ran like clockwork. Chris does seem to hold an unhealthy, paranoid opinion of his neighbours. If he wants to pursue his own hobby in his own house why the fuck should his neighbours object? Having said that, I don’t live in Westmead with ‘tete dust’ floating in the air or angle grinders screeching and rasping so it is probably prudent to keep a low profile when possible. The wimp.

Chris managed to grind off most of the rough edges that Andy had missed to reveal a sturdy, brutish but strikingly attractive chunk of steel. It was essential that the body tub was lifted onto the chassis to verify that all the new brackets matched up as they had done prior to welding. Everything seemed perfect until we realised that the rear support members had been fastened to the chassis ‘in the wrong place’. Andy had taken the underside of the chassis as the horizontal plane instead of the topside. This resulted in the rear outriggers being located too low and too short to meet the boot panel. This minor disaster can be rectified but it is another delay we can ill afford.

This has been another pissy day.         

Further chassis considerations

Thurs.17.08.06. The garage has been tidied then made ready to accept the chassis, but the appropriate method of preserving the steel structure from the most common of oxidization agents, ‘rust’, as yet to be decided. During the 1980’s the only available corrosion preventative products were ‘red lead’, ‘waxoil’ or ‘hammerite’. The processes were quite similar, each requiring clean metal with a sealed layer of paint or oil. These approaches tended to be the route taken by the enthusiastic amateur because of the simplicity of the practice. ‘Galvanising’, where hunks of metal could be dipped into large vessels of liquid subsequently followed by ‘powder coating’, when the subject was placed in a room after which paint would then be blasted at very high pressure were available, but at a prohibitive cost for the ‘DIY’ engineer. However, presently these systems have become much more accessible for the ‘ordinary’ person, at not such an exorbitant cost.  After consultation with Mark, Andy, Mad Dave of the Thunderdome, Slick, Gordon, Richard Earl of Sheffield, Rimmers, Haydn, Colin, Jimmy the Axe and Lowtie we have decided against using a powder coating treatment. 

Comparable pieces appear to have mixed results. On a heavily textured surface the process seems unsatisfactory, in that, the coating does not penetrate the tiny recesses later being susceptible to deterioration when exposed to weather. The ideal combination of first galvanising before applying the ‘coating’ has also proven to be difficult. The company in ‘Widnes’’ who had been assigned to cleanse the chassis using the ‘galvanising’ method have refused the order due to the soiled internal condition of the box sections. They fear that expelling the corroded waste material would contaminate the outstanding fluid in the tank. The residue would need to be replaced with fresh, making the entire undertaking not cost effective. There is now a reluctance to search out another provider who could reason the same. Powder coating alone would still not solve the problem of rusting from within. It would require a thorough injection of waxoil throughout the major internal areas of the chassis to guarantee a sufficient degree of protection. Even though cost is not a major issue, the fact that Edwin increases his quote every time we make a tentative enquiry is slightly off putting. Firstly, £120 rising to a final figure of £200 for the chassis in addition to £60.for the box of assorted parts is not acceptable and certainly adds to our suspicion. Away and shite.

We also believe after, much soul searching, analysing the relevant data, reading the manuals and picking the brains of ‘Mad Max Dave’, Mark and Andy, any viable rust prevention product properly applied to the exterior, combined with liberal amounts of waxoil pumped internally, can be as effective as any professionally executed process. We are keeping faith with old technology; the ‘simple’.  

Clean up time

Weds16.08.06. I have been to Richie’s workshop having the engine side panels re-cut. He has made an excellent professional job of matching Colin’s original pattern, the difference being they are now cut using 15mm rather than 9mm marine ply. They are obviously stronger, better suited for the purpose and will be easier to clad later in aluminium. Chris has discovered on the body tub another fault requiring some remedial repair. The floor pan towards the front of the body section has warped during the past 27 years parting company from the central tub. Road dirt had been forced into the broken laminated timber filling the gaps with accumulated muck. Once this residual grime had been removed the gap was screwed and sealed with fibreglass producing a freshly strengthened, rigid and solid joint.  

We have attempted to ‘make ready’ the garage in preparation for the return of the chassis: jettisoning unwanted rubbish, cleaning the work surfaces, cataloguing the tools, creating ‘order’. We plan to have both sections of the car side by side enabling the assembly work to be simultaneously and independently undertaken. The strategies we discussed earlier in the week are, thankfully, proving effective. The rolling chassis will be built up entirely. The suspension units, braking systems, steering mechanisms, drive train and even the wiring loom should all be in place before the completed central tub is introduced. The newly proposed fixed engine panels should then be added before the car is primed then painted.

“We had better get a move on if you want this car tested and running by October.” This was the first time for a long time that Chris has past comment about the deadline. I am not sure if it is a good or a bad thing?   

Burt the shirt

Tues.15.08.06. We had no sooner finished our ‘chunks’ in celebration of eventually completing the body panels when a solution had to be found regarding the fixing of the engine panels to the tub. We debated the problem for three hours, deciding at one point to complete the procedure with separate pieces, conversely after further discussion this direction was reversed reverting back to ‘fixed’. But like everything else concerned with the re-build any one decision can affect many other future proposals on the car. After gentle persuasion we both agreed that if the tub and panels were to become ‘one’ they must be added to a rolling chassis as separate items bonded only when all angles, brackets and fixing points have been pre-determined. In other words it is imperative that adjacent body panels are also considered and assembled in ‘situ’. This structured method should increase the probability of a permanent, solid and ‘crack free’ joint.

The inevitable despondency of the day encouraged an early departure to the Oak where we found Lewis and Steven claiming a spot by the bar. Lord Salty and Robert the clone arrived soon after, followed by Jamie with his girlfriend of  big ‘charlies’ fame. Lewis confirmed that so far there had been nothing to report regarding the dripping tap at Planet Lowton: “Perhaps, I’ll have a opportunity next week when I finish his staircase?” Almost the entire population of the Oak is waiting eagerly for the wheeze to begin.

Meanwhile, Philip had brought in the bankruptcy report from the local Merc dealer who had fittingly gone bust for £900,000. How fucking sad is that, we are supposed to be in the pub for gay banter, amusing exchanges enjoying frivolous nonsense, not to read a financial document. 

I recall a conversation I once had with Andy Lewis when he said that he in actual fact gains a great deal of perverse pleasure from the odd chat with Philip, “Because he is the only bloke he knows who is not, and never will be, in touch with the real world”. “Look at these wages for the debt assessor, £1000 per hour for the big cheese going down to £84.00 for a simple, mindless receptionist. They have claimed £94,568.00 for five days work, bloody ridiculous; they only owe me £50.00, I am not really bothered whether I retrieve it or not!” lied Captain Salt. “Aye, if he’s not bothered about £50.00, the Popes a Muslim,” muttered a sceptical Chris. “I’ll tell you something,” started Chris, in the hope of lifting the tone, “listen, have you read about Marlon Brando in the Times? He was ambidextrous. I thought he was a bit strange when he was using that margarine in Last Tango in Paris.” “Was it Stork?” I enquired. “Shut up, you daft bugger, listen, he was caught by David Niven in a swimming pool naked with Laurence Olivier. Vivien Leigh watched as Larry stuck a lip on him whilst Marlon was braking down the brown door. 

Oh, he’s had all sorts, top actresses and top actors. He’s even had his best mate Burt Lancaster!” “No way!” hoped Steven whose matinee idol was butch Burt. “Aye, they used to call him Burt the Shirt in Hollywood,” Chris cruelly countered. “I’ll never see The Crimson Pirate in the same light again,” sniffed the distraught Steven. Sensing blood, Chris offered to bring the article down to the office to be pinned up for everyone to see. “It’s all there in black and white, read it and weep!” “I think it’s time I went home,” blubbered Steven.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

The 'big' word contest.

Mon.14.08.06. We were hoping to deliver the wings to Young Danny today but his boss would prefer to keep the garage closed for the duration of his holiday, the consequence of which delays the painting process by a another week. Although a would-be set back it has meant that we have been forced to re-think this part of the schedule arriving at other, and probably, more prudent substitutes.

We have paid Andy a further £80.00 for the final welds on the chassis, money well spent as the extra work has made quite a difference to the overall strength and appearance. It is our intension to paint the peripheral smaller sand blasted components with a ‘rust proofing’ product that ‘John the Paint’ has recommended. Chris has already tested its suitability on the differential and suspension uprights with excellent results. The liquid in the jar has the consistency and appearance of milk but when brushed on lightly it transforms into a black plasticized coating. The product also reacts with any rust particles creating an even greater bond to offer further protection.  

When the chassis is returned to Westmead it will be re-united with the body to ensure that all the new brackets and extra outriggers are still in the correct place ready for the final re-build. The chassis will need some cosmetic grinding to satisfy Chris’s appetite for perfection and then it will receive several coats of the ‘wonder rust’ treatment. Meanwhile, I have been given a box of assorted components, which also require the same protective application. 

Although once more, we seem to be thwarted by an unattainable proposed schedule the week ahead could prove to be beneficial in the long term. We have energetically explored a host of possible routes, but hopefully, we have initiated the strategies that will enable the whole project to move forward. 

The Oak has been eerily quiet over the weekend epitomizing the unpredictable summer trade. There has only been the ‘big word’ competition to keep us amused. David, Preacher Steven, Chris, Paul and Andrew Higham regularly visit ‘The Ball and Boot’ for the five pint sprint early on Sunday afternoons before arriving later at the Oak. It has become a ritual encouraged by David who uses the pub often after his morning toil on the flowers. The beer is cheap as are the customers. The cliental generally consists of a mixture of local inbreds, petty criminals, drug dealers, the long term unemployed, benefit fraudsters, layabouts, knuckle draggers and numpties. This assortment of pond life fritters away the afternoon swilling down high gravity lagers, smoking rollies interspersed by cursing at the TV. Anything that passes for conversation is usually punctuated with expletives and a smile. There are more ‘Mr Fucks’ per square metre than in any other establishment in the UK; a part from any high security prison providing accommodation for the certifiably insane.

During one particularly ‘blue’ lunchtime Chris suggested that they should have a ‘big word’ contest in direct opposition to the indigenous banter that generally prevails. “If you use a big word it must be relevant to the conversation and not in isolation or out of context” stated Chris, establishing the rules of the game. Preacher Steven examined the premise of ‘independent man’. “It is impossible to believe that man can function without woman: from the very early days there has been this necessary bond that is complementary, intrinsically natural, there have been very few genuinely existentialistic successful men who have not been influenced by a strong woman”. This was a fine opening shot from Steven, everyone nodding in approval. “It could only be a committed misogynist who could piss on that statement” argued the thoughtful Andrew. A valid comment indeed, as everyone simultaneously began stroking his chin. “Listen, listen, I know loads of blokes who haven’t got a good woman and they don’t want one either, but it hasn’t stopped them from being mega successful and bloody miserable at the same time. It’s all bollocks anyway, women are just like politicians, corrupt, lying, cheating bastards” offered Chris, who at this point in the contest was festering in fifth position having scored ‘nil points’. 

“Talking of politics, I know a very interesting local story: do you want to hear it?” intrigued Paul. Paul then posed the question as to what the nightclub ‘Pemps’ was before ‘Barbara the megalomaniac’ converted the shit hole into the landmark that it is. “It was the local Communist club, claimed Paul, commonly known as the ‘Bolshi’. It was in that very building where all the antidisestablishmentarianism propaganda was formulated just after the war”. Game, set and match, the contest was then suspended until next week. Leaving via the decompression chamber the contestants returned to the Oak for an additional gallon of ale.  

Finished panels?

Fri.11.08.06. Chris had made an early start in an attempt to iron out all of the ‘snags on the car. We are very close to signing off all of the body panels and dispatching them to ‘Young Danny the Paint’. Extra fine tuning was required under the rear wheel arches together with some residual levelling work to the offside front wing. Moreover, every panel has been double checked against each other to ensure that the lines flow smoothly and continuously.

It has been quite an odd day in that although we both comprehend that all the body parts are completely finished the concerns we have encountered over the past three months have made it difficult to internalise that we have eventually, indisputably arrived at the end of this particular passage in the Burlington’s development. 

The extensive modifications have included, the colossal complexities of fitting the screen, the poor quality of the original fibreglass moulds resulting in wavy irregular wing panels, the re-cutting of the headlights sockets which now means that they function properly, the raising of the bonnet profile, now concave and not convex, the removal of the external boot trim to create a gentle curved edge, the bonding and strengthening of the scuttle top to the central body tub, the re-alignment of both the front and rear wings, the re-modelling of the nose cone to accommodate the fresh line of the bonnet, the refinement of the engine panel joint to the body tub which eliminates all the original aluminium extrusions and finally, the continuous examination and monitoring of the correct, complementary and significant lines of the total image. 

The on going deliberations, although challenging, have produced a wonderful, genuinely stunning, sexy body.

All the disappointments, mistakes, frustrations and ‘tete dust’ are now behind us, so we shall move on, open a tin of chunks and have two extra spoonfuls of evap milk. Perhaps the Beaujolais run may still be feasible?     

Rub down, rub down, rub down.

Thurs.10.08.06.The final phase in the preparation of the body panels is has eventually arrived. Chris has been straightening the offside boot edge and levelling the roller coaster effect on the offside front wing. I have been rubbing down the rear wings with 150’s, but I have also been working particularly on the bonnet. This is to ensure that Danny will have something to paint by Monday. It does seem rational to drip feed the panels to Danny throughout the week authorizing him to apply the first and possibly a second coat of primer. The advice that we were given by ‘Gordon the paint’ was to prime the panels allowing them to dry naturally over a period of 3 weeks. The slow hardening of the paint guarantees a robust hard finish facilitating the application of the final gloss coat.

Having spent four hours rubbing down I can genuinely empathize with Chris struggling with the incessant dust he encountered throughout summer. There was a fresh breeze in early afternoon that helped to dissipate the fine ‘tete’ particles, but later in the day with the absence of wind the garage was filled with the familiar cloudy grey fog, a warm, dry, ultra fine mist.

Throughout the past three months Chris has passed on his extensive experience by demonstrating the basic techniques of bodywork re-construction. His insistence upon applying layer after layer until the crucial result has been achieved has been a genuine insight into the only way to produce a finish of quality: a surface that could stand an enduring inspection from the keenest of trained eyes. It is a very laborious procedure. On many occasions I felt we were stepping backwards to move forwards. But, the patience and the down right determination of Chris to ‘get things right’ has created a beautifully formed vehicle. From almost every angle, close or distant viewing point the car is special, and I would claim faultless.

Tomorrow could see a conclusion to the endless days filling followed by rubbing down: I live in hope. As ‘John the paint’ once said to us, “Fuck me, you must be repairing a fuckin’ bus roof with the amount of filler you’ve bought”. “No, John, just a Burlington”