Green Pigs

The possibility of raising pigs on the land that Chris owns has surfaced again. The ten acres that borders the banks of the river Douglas was purchased many years ago but how best to occupy the wooded sloping contours of the land has never been properly explored. Ideas have been banded about throughout the past year, but none have actually materialised.

A four-wheel offroad facility, log cabins in the woods for tourism, growing cannabis under cloches or even low-density ridiculously expensive four bedroomed properties with pools has all been suggested. The Doc, Jimmy the Axe and Paul Higham are hatching a plot to raise 8 wieners per year, slaughtering 4, keeping the other four for a further year until the cycle begins again. The team, or democratic socialist co-operative as they prefer to be known as, would only require one acre of land for the venture. This would be rented from Chris in exchange for pork chops plus the odd gammon joint. An electric fence, a mobile shelter and a feed shed would all be acquired, to be installed before any animals could be purchased. Old English, protected species are the preferred option as they tend to be free of disease providing fattier, tastier pork. The Doc has done his calculations which unusually appear to be quite reasonable; wieners come in at £30.00 each, the electric fence at £150.00 and the shed at £200.00. The rotation of the land ensures that after the first one third of an acre has been destroyed by the pigs they are moved on to the next. The ground that is left, once restored, can be used for growing potatoes or any other root vegetables until the porkers return.

There are two main problems with the venture, as I see it. Firstly, the pigs need feeding twice a day. By whom? The Axe and Paul work 9 till 5 jobs and the Doc rarely climbs out of pit before four in the afternoon. Secondly, Tim Hilton, who lives with his wife Margaret in a big fuck off house adjacent to the land. He has always begged Chris for a patch to extend his garden but also to protect the indigenous rare wildlife of the valley. 

Bullshit! Tim is an egotistical acquisitive fucker who as only ever looked after number one, the very thought of grunters wondering menacingly around at the back of his property, definitely reducing the price of his ‘pile’ and preventing immediate access to the land to walk his dog fills him with dread.

The project is only due to commence next spring but I can see certain people getting mileage out of this one, even if it s only to wind up ‘tighter than cramp’ Tim and the charming Margaret, who incidentally ‘stitched up’ Chris and myself with that toe curling Beaujolais article in March. I sense revenge.