Eric Cantona

In the evening at the Oak the serious discussion of deadlines, workload, Brockie, aluminium and guitars was interrupted by a ‘pertinent and relevant’ Doc who had lunched at Northcote Manor on crevettes, filet steak and raspberry fool washed down with fine claret. “By the way, what’s the French for ‘don’t shake the fuckin’ bottle, this is a sediment beer, this has got to be savoured; it’s not a cloudy German wheat beer but a bottle matured pale ale?” I assumed that the Doc was referring to the drinks exchange packet that we intend to deliver to Angers on the Beaujolais run. “We don’t want them spraying everybody, just ignorantly gulping it down; it must be done properly!” I suggested ‘ne frappez pas’ or ‘ne touché pas’ to which he enthusiastically agreed, but then, for only he knows, continued onto another strange literary path. “I keep saying to June, why haven’t we gone, made decisions about life, done the things we ought to have done, we should have taken the kids with us, now we’ve got grand children and we still haven’t gone, one park bench is the same as another, so is a two up two down or even a shoe box or a sponge; we are still in Wigan and everybody is coming back, even Joe Berry.”  Perhaps the rumours are correct the Doc is leaving or is he just mimicking Jose Mourinho who is also prone to verbal athletics. ‘The Chosen Ones’ recent statement referencing to the present lack of first team players he had available for a European cup game was equally pretentious. “Its all about eggs and omelettes. When you go to the supermarket there are three types of eggs; class 1, class 2 and class 3. Each can make an omelette. But some are more expensive than others and are of a better quality. It is no use going to Morrison’s when all they have are class 3 eggs when Waitrose have grade 1.” This analogy is on a par with Eric Cantona’s ‘seagulls following the trawler’ bullshit routine which also declines into ‘Tales of philosophical mystery, vain inconsequential fact but mainly bucket loads of  just plain bollocks’. The ‘must have’ ticket in town has got to be ‘an evening with The Doc, Jose and Eric’, a sell out gig.