Lets play the split the half shaft game.

Thurs.12.10.06. Today we have been on a spending spree at Totally Triumph the home of Big Max. I have carried around the half shafts in the Discovery for the past few weeks taking them first of all to Slicks but worse still, to Nutty Steve both promising faithfully to split them. This exercise was to ensure that the old bearings and bushes could be removed without damage to the outer hubs enabling new ones to be carefully fitted later.

True to form both had failed to deliver so we were hoping that Max would volunteer. Max, to cover his back, attempted to explain the difficulties of splitting them without ruining the thread at the end of the drive shaft. “You see, the problem is, most people apply heat which immediately corrupts the temper of the steel buggering up the thread. If that’s fucked you’re fucked, excuse my French. But I’ll have a go if you want me to”. Max placed one of the axles in a vice, he then, after attaching the ‘Churchill’ hub extractor began to turn….and turn….and turn. There must have been about 300lbs of torque (well, a lot anyway) at the end of the wrench but the shaft wouldn’t split; Max reverted to plan ‘B’, a sledgehammer. “Just hold that block of wood while I give it a bash”. Chris looked at Max and replied “I’ll tell you what, you hold the wood and I’ll use the hammer”. Max decided to use a lighter leather hammer, fortunately the shaft popped out, but as predicted the thread was damaged beyond repair. The second half shaft proved to be less contentious, comfortably splitting quite easily leaving the thread and the shaft perfectly intact. “That’s unusual, the needle bearing and the ‘Woodruff  key’ have not scared the shaft; fuck me, this is a good shaft, I’ve not seen as good a shaft in a long time”. It’s a pity that Max battered the life out of its brother I thought to myself, but I wasn’t prepared to point out that fact to Big Max. Max proposed an exchange from the racks of half shafts on display at a cost of £50.00 to £95.00 dependent upon how many old bearings had actually been replaced. We needed a little time to consider the options so we made a tactful retreat to work out the sums. 

We can purchase all the necessary replacement parts from Paddocks to complete the reconstruction ourselves, but if Max is prepared to rebuild our surviving shaft or offer an exchange part it is a viable alternative.

Max then proposed a pair of twin one and a half SU’s that had been recently removed from a running vehicle; but with the recommendation of installing new jets and a ‘bloody good’ clean they should be OK for the car. “Don’t clean the ports too much because you’ll spoil the swirl: most people polish them to buggery and spoil the swirl, there’s no need, you’ll spoil the swirl”. I thought, what’s the fuckin’ swirl? But again I kept it to myself. “Right, you can have a brand new 38inch prop with a ‘bean can’ end for £79.00, but if you want to buy that from Paddocks you can, because I did, it doesn’t bother me see, it’s your choice!” Chris was fading fast with this ever-increasing list of choices opting instead to evaporate into the calm of the countryside. 

Great steps

Weds.11.10.06. True to form, Colin arrived unannounced to continue to work on the underside of the chassis. Those tasks completed, with typical methodology and precision, his attentions were drawn to the fixing of the petrol tank.

Having previously designed then constructed the rear section of the chassis the final fixing of the tank had been considered, but only provisionally. There are six fixing points on the tank but only five on the chassis cross members, consequently Colin first fabricated then welded another bracket to complement those of the tank. Spiralux ‘nutserts’ were introduced into the rear chassis section to retain the tank in the correct position. ‘Nutserts’ possess a threaded centre contained inside a tube. Having drilled the location for the nutsert it is then forced into the cavity where a bolt can be used to fasten the two components together. This system will allow the tank to be easily removed, if necessary, but also guarantees a firm, rigid and fixed position.    

The main objective for the afternoon was to dry build the drive train. The engine block was first bolted to the new rubber mountings which were then in turn connected to the reversed front turrets. The overdrive box was then added, the bell housing dropping perfectly into the newly cut section. 

The rear gearbox mounting plate rested neatly on the chassis centre reinforcement joint leaving 38 and 3 eighths inches from the face of the overdrive gearbox outer hub assembly to the differential universal joint drive flange; but this now has implications on the length of the prop. Predictably, another problem will arise because the wheel studs on the present 4:11/1 diff have 3 eighths centres whereas the gearbox centres are 5 eighths, as a result the correct flanges will need to be matched to the prop. After consultation with Big Max plus thorough reference to the workshop manual we have discovered that it is possible to solve all of these discrepancies. Prop shaft sizes can vary, dependent upon the model; from 37, 38 and 38 and 3 quarters inches. A 38 inch prop would be the exact length for the Burlington. The rubber engine mountings could then be placed on the outside, instead of the inside, of the turrets to be adjusted using the slotted fixing bracket: this would then absorb the 3 eighths tolerance in the gap. This shortfall could also be addressed by adding extra spacing washers on either end of the Hardy Spicers. The incompatibility of the flanges can also be easily rectified by cutting and welding the appropriate size of flange to the outer hub assembly of the amended prop. As before these minor problems are never insurmountable and in many respects the total drive train has fitted very comfortably to the vehicle, as if it were specifically designed for the purpose.

No one could have imagined how spectacularly successful the alterations and positional relocation of the drive train could have been. Gaining the extra inches by pushing the engine backwards was an achievement in itself, the overdrive box dropping in perfectly and securely is a huge benefit plus the improbability of the prop shaft being the exact length have all been unexpected, but most welcome surprises.

This might well become a landmark day. Crack open another tin of chunks.    

Colin arrives

Tues.10.10.06. Two days earlier than expected, Colin arrived to complete the additional welding to the chassis. It has been necessary to cut the box section where the waist of the chassis narrows; this is to house the overdrive gearbox ensuring also that the engine can utilize the original mountings when the turrets have been reversed. In total the drive train will be moved back at least 20cms. 

The actual length of the cut was 18cms to enable the housing to sit with sufficient working space should any routine maintenance be necessary. After the amendment had been carried out the alteration could hardly be noticed such was the exact craftsmanship of Colin. Sadly today, he was unable to repair the other cosmetic defects to the more visible underside of the chassis, until he returns on Thursday. Colin has always enjoyed a degree of personal control with regard to his committed time on any project; flexing his muscles, creating a reliance to reinforce a feeling of indispensability. But for us it is another delay that we didn’t need.

Fashioned in the morning, the first maquette for the dashboard, which coincidentally was taken from the crude, patched up original version, has proved extremely valuable, even successful. Constructed from a stolen flower box, liberated from David’s flower market, the strong cardboard has formed the simple backcloth for the design of the dash. Black, circular decals have been cut to simulate the instrument dials, these can be arranged anywhere on the board offering numerous possibilities. 

Each of the experimental images has been photographed and shall be considered later. Using this bank of photographs it should facilitate selection, modification and rationalise the overall final design. The “Retro Morgan” dashboard has many comparable qualities that can be equally applied to the Burlington; at the moment this will be the starting point of our model.

A second coat of ‘Glanvilles rust proofing’ has enhanced the appearance of the chassis, Chris has started to build the front wishbone mechanism having previously cleaned and sprayed the callipers, Big Max has offered £100.00 for ‘Nutty bastard Steve’s’ overdrive gearbox against his own at £380.00, (no deal) and Paddocks are assembling our components order. This has been fruitful day.        

The emerging chassis

Mon.09.10.06. Colin has not been able to complete the welding over the weekend, as planned; he has also put off his next visit until Thursday. Frustratingly, this has disrupted the arrangements of the week. The bulk of the stock was due to be collected today from Paddocks and Big Max but until the box section area of the chassis has been ‘signed off’ which will accommodate the modified brackets for gearbox, the complete drive train cannot be built up, the front and rear suspension units are on hold as a consequence, the engine compartment cannot even be started. 

Nevertheless, we have begun to seal the chassis with ‘Glanville heavy duty rust proofing’. This concoction is a strange brew that was first introduced to us by ‘John the Paint’. The white creamy substance requires a certain level of rust on the metal to encourage a chemical reaction. The liquid is easily brushed onto the surface but on contact turns bright blue but later when dry becomes satin black in appearance. Once covered with the treatment the chassis became transformed into a robust, sturdy, sculptured piece of quality engineering. The alterations, predominantly to the rear quarter, have merged naturally with the original ‘50’s spider design to produce a unique structure; an art form in it’s own right.  

With very few bright, dry days of this year remaining our thoughts had drifted away from the tribulations of the project. The observations germinating from the weekend topic of pig rearing together with the urge to drive once more, encouraged Chris to call time on the ‘mission’ prompting a suggestion that we should ‘go off road’ on his land. So, by mid afternoon we had teamed up with Preacher Steven on the edge of the valley in pursuit of ‘larks’. Chris had recently acquired an ageing but solid Discovery along with an old but mint Sportrack. 

The workhorse versus the young pretender. Which vehicle would score 5 stars in ‘off roaders’ weekly? The previous venture on the land saw Danny Brennan laid low with a horse fly bite that would have killed an elephant, Steven reduced to pulp by an out of control sliding Land Rover and Chris trapped inside the same vehicle sinking into a bottomless bog. As a consequence I was pleased that my role in this mini adventure would be one of action photographer, not jungle driver. The land itself falls gently down to the Douglas in a tumbled, unkempt carpet of mixed vegetation, some older, broken trees interspersed by patchy grassland. The ten acres spread from Potters Herbal Remedies on its’ southern border to ‘seventy plenty’ steps which forms the northern boundary. There was enough varied terrain to challenge the metal of any ‘four by four’. The two adventurers ploughed on battering their way through the toughest tangled, woven undergrowth leaving swathes of muddy track in their wake. There were a few sticky moments, spinning rear wheels, the odd precarious slide but all in all it was trouble free bringing a comforting smile to every ones face. Not being able to drive since his stroke, Chris particularly enjoyed the simple pleasure of, once more, handling a motor car albeit at only four miles an hour: the joy was there to see. We must do it again.

Our little escapade was re-lived in the Oak that evening, slightly embellished but not exaggerated. During the course of the afternoon we were lucky enough to see a rabbit, a fox and a tiny Roe deer so it wasn’t such a giant leap to re-introduce the topic of ‘pig rearing’, especially as Tim’s concern was the primary source of amusement for Andy Lewis, who happened to see him over the weekend, and had learned of Tim’s concerns relating to the pigs. 

Everyone seized upon Tim’s plight hastily offering suggestions to Chris regarding many other possible uses for the land; perhaps, a few sheep, chickens, cows, turkeys, ducks and geese, the odd tramp accompanied by his ‘scrumpy soaked’ posse, a wrinkly coven of wizened white witches, eco-swampies excavating a labyrinth of tunnels, an itinerant band of hippies creating tree top dwellings regularly practising energetic overt naked love, caravans of Gypsies with their entourage of children, dogs and goats, a smoking, grubby Iron Age village jointly sponsored by the National Trust together with the local council and, even, possibly the site for the next “Glastonbury”  festival. “Food for thought” pondered Chris.                 

Green Pigs

The possibility of raising pigs on the land that Chris owns has surfaced again. The ten acres that borders the banks of the river Douglas was purchased many years ago but how best to occupy the wooded sloping contours of the land has never been properly explored. Ideas have been banded about throughout the past year, but none have actually materialised.

A four-wheel offroad facility, log cabins in the woods for tourism, growing cannabis under cloches or even low-density ridiculously expensive four bedroomed properties with pools has all been suggested. The Doc, Jimmy the Axe and Paul Higham are hatching a plot to raise 8 wieners per year, slaughtering 4, keeping the other four for a further year until the cycle begins again. The team, or democratic socialist co-operative as they prefer to be known as, would only require one acre of land for the venture. This would be rented from Chris in exchange for pork chops plus the odd gammon joint. An electric fence, a mobile shelter and a feed shed would all be acquired, to be installed before any animals could be purchased. Old English, protected species are the preferred option as they tend to be free of disease providing fattier, tastier pork. The Doc has done his calculations which unusually appear to be quite reasonable; wieners come in at £30.00 each, the electric fence at £150.00 and the shed at £200.00. The rotation of the land ensures that after the first one third of an acre has been destroyed by the pigs they are moved on to the next. The ground that is left, once restored, can be used for growing potatoes or any other root vegetables until the porkers return.

There are two main problems with the venture, as I see it. Firstly, the pigs need feeding twice a day. By whom? The Axe and Paul work 9 till 5 jobs and the Doc rarely climbs out of pit before four in the afternoon. Secondly, Tim Hilton, who lives with his wife Margaret in a big fuck off house adjacent to the land. He has always begged Chris for a patch to extend his garden but also to protect the indigenous rare wildlife of the valley. 

Bullshit! Tim is an egotistical acquisitive fucker who as only ever looked after number one, the very thought of grunters wondering menacingly around at the back of his property, definitely reducing the price of his ‘pile’ and preventing immediate access to the land to walk his dog fills him with dread.

The project is only due to commence next spring but I can see certain people getting mileage out of this one, even if it s only to wind up ‘tighter than cramp’ Tim and the charming Margaret, who incidentally ‘stitched up’ Chris and myself with that toe curling Beaujolais article in March. I sense revenge. 

Tom Andy

Sat.07.10.06. An old friend from a past life turned up at the Oak over the weekend, Tom Andy. He was originally a close friend of Joe Berry who had recently moved back to Wigan but like Andy had spent the last 25 years living around Chester as well as Wrexham. Andy planned to enjoy the weekend re-visiting his old haunts: the ones that still were standing, were not car parks or wine bars.

He once worked for Jo’s folks on the agricultural ‘shows’ having the task of keeping an eye on her, hopefully preventing the grubby horny students or flash reps from leading her astray. Andy was ideally suited to the environment of the shows; driving from one end of the country to another, camping out under canvas, in the back of vans or under the nearest table, drinking far too much, not sleeping nearly enough. The cheeky smile, street banter plus the ability to always spot an opportunity served Andy well. His favourite ‘chat up’ usually had some kind of medical twist. The unfortunate girl would be fed soppy sentimental lines of how he had once been compromised by his uneasy duty to the Hippocratic Oath, which he ambiguously preferred to interpret as ‘conscientious concerned sympathy’ for his patient. The final request of a young terminally ill attractive female was her desire to have sex for the last time. Would Andy oblige? Of course, but as he relates, he was caught inflagrante by the resident registrar. The primary care authority without delay dismissed him, issuing the compulsory directive that he should be barred from practising medicine forever. In the eyes of his next ‘target’ he was a caring, compassionate renaissance man who was obviously in torment, torn between statutory medical doctrines and his obligation to assist his patient in every possible way. This chat line never let him down until he foolishly attempted to deliver the same garbage to Jo, who curtly responded with “Fuck off Andy you’re a bloody van driver and lucky to be that!” Andy had momentarily forgotten that Jo was in fact familiar with his background being a friend of Joe Berry along with Andy’s other degenerate mates.                                                                                                                                     But, to his credit Andy could also take the piss out of himself, gamely he would recount stories about his shortcomings that inevitably led to embarrassment. In the sixties, (the first café culture), whilst sitting in the local coffee bar, the “Bod”, he was summoned by a friend to the door who informed him that, “Jane Miller will give you two and sixpence if you take her home and give her one”.

Andy agreed, stuffed the two and six in his pocket then stuffed Jane Miller on the carpet. But curiously after the event, Jane immediately then began to remove her earrings, her blouse and then her skirt. “Wait a moment what do you think you’re doing?” questioned a puzzled Andy. “I’m getting ready” explained Jane. “What for?” repeated a mystified Andy. “Well, you know; sex,” explained Jane. “What do you mean?  That was it, come on, I’ve got to get back to Wigan, avanti”. “Can I have a shilling back then?” posed Jane.         

Promises promises

Fri.06.10.06. I must have been looking at the wrong side of the oxo cube yesterday because, on reflection, there had been developments that have moved the project forward: steady as she goes. Today we have witnessed the rewards of Thursday’s procrastinations. 

The ‘63 bucket seats, although covered in decades of rust and neglect, have scrubbed up well boldly revealing their true sexy curves. Generous layers of rust proofing have produced a mottled black/brown surface, dramatically outlining the sumptuous, contoured, solidly dished back. The lower seat rails have also suffered little damage over the past 40 years; they are sturdy and mirror the sweeping lines of the rear support. The actual seat baskets appear flimsy but their ‘grid iron’ design ensures their strength emphasising their comfortable, deep bowl form. When the seats are finally covered with magnolia leather then piped in Connaught green trim they will be a delight to the eye. Sitting and driving will compare to nestling into the welcoming lap of a rubenesque 50’s movie star, perchance Jane Russell or Ava Gardner. I can’t wait. 

Using ‘daler board’ the boot box was much easier to construct. The provisional dimensions have produced a 12cm height by 66cm width and a 33cm depth. There is a dogleg on the front face elevation to enable the box to skirt over the differential. At the moment, the model has a 5cm lip that sits on the bulkhead suspending the box above the petrol tank. Later in the afternoon the maquette was fitted; remarkably no adjustment was necessary. The supporting lip will be extended by 7cm wide to 20cm on the leading edge, to cover all of the boot area. The space that has been created will easily accept several items of luggage, a refridgerated section for picnic provisions together with a number of bottles of Dom Perignon. If, at a later stage a boot rack is added there should be sufficient storage capacity for not just a daily jaunt but some serious European travel. What Ho, Bertie!

Throughout the morning Chris has been busily assembling the front hubs. The hubs themselves are placed in a hot oven to expand slightly whilst the bearings are put in a freezer to contract. When the two are brought together assembling the units is greatly facilitated. 

The bearings themselves have different origins; one has been engineered in the States, the other in Japan. The bonus being that they both have decent provenance, consequently they should deliver decent service. Naturally, the construction of the master cylinders exposed similar anomalies. The repair kits contained extra washes and clips which seem to be unnecessary. The rubber shrouds appear to be too large yet the seals fitted tightly. Blame for this may not lie at the door of ‘thieving fuck up, lying bastard Steve’, who reluctantly supplied the components, but the wholesaler who makes up the order. Who knows? We have met these problems before and I suspect we shall meet them again. Gracie Fields.              

The main focus of the day was to remove the wings, nose cone and engine panels so that the body tub could be lifted to reveal the chassis. Whilst Chris was methodically extracting all the bolts I began to mock up the dashboard area by cutting and forming a piece of scrap card that was gathering dust in the workshop. The sections were held together with masking tape but nevertheless this crude example could be the basis for several designs.

Extra ‘dummies’ can be fashioned at home to be re-fitted later to the cockpit. The decision to use aluminium, wood or a painted dash will then be considered.  Having stripped the car we then began to move the body tub onto the spare trestles. With both of us at the boot end we gingerly raised the rear of the car at the same time sliding the tail area towards the waiting supports.

“Fuck me, this is heavy, it must be all that tete that’s been used!” I ignorantly thought. “Wait, wait, we are lifting the friggin’ chassis and ‘diff’ as well; I’ve forgotten to take out the four screws from the boot supports, put it back quick!” But it wouldn’t go back. Chris began frantically pulling at the stand underneath the car in an attempt to return the body back to position one. Meanwhile, I struggling drenched in sweat held onto the complete rear of the car.                                                                                                                                      “Bring one of the spare trestles over to take some of the weight.” 

“No, I can fettle it here.”    

“Just bring one over, it will give us time to assess the problem?”

“No, I’ve nearly got it, oh no I’ve not, it’s getting worse!”

“Bring one of the trestles over to take the weight!”

“Nearly there, don’t drop it, we will be in the shit if you do, just one more tug and I’ll have it, oh bugger, it’s hanging off!”

“Please bring over another trestle; it’s an ideal substitute for the jammed one?”

“Now then, I know what to do, you won’t beat me Bertie! Oh frig it’s nearly off, hang on, don’t drop it now!”

“Bring that other trestle over, now!”

“We don’t need it; I know what to do, oh fuck!”

“I fuckin’ need it, bring it now!”

“Okay, that’s got it; you can ease your end down now.”  

The offending screws removed the tub was freed from the chassis. It was then a simple matter to relocate the two sections. “I can’t believe how light it is!” commented smiling Chris. “I think I can!” replied Nigel, with the broken back. The chassis was then swivelled over exposing the underside which now could be ground, sanded, polished and stroked, ready for the application of rust proofing, the final coat of protection: Hammerite or Zinc 182 may be used.     

This has been a quite excellent day.