I gotta mate

                                     “I gotta mate”

“Yeah I gotta mate for everifin’. When I goes to work in Landan we stays in mi mates ‘otel. Opposite ‘im theres the best Chinese restraunt in the world wiv the best Indian next to it. I know bowf of the owners, they’re mates o’ mine. Daan the road is the pub. The landlady loves mi; she cooks mi san-day dinna everi week, roast beef, potatas, spring greens, carrots, pees, gravee, an’ everifin: she’s a goa en-all. Wot I does is see mi mate Arffa daan at Billingsgate an’ I gets all, and I mean all, the best prime scotch, top jerzees an sparagrass from fraance: takes em up t’ Caff, the landlady, an’ she serves em up for mi an’ mi mates in front of a log fire, lov-lee, an’ den I shags ‘ur, by way of sayin’ fanks. That’s wot mates is foa. 

When I gets mi noo merc I insures it foa £150 against tyre damage. When it’s nearly done I damiges the walls an’ gets em all changed. Normly they cost £287 but I gotta a mate at APS in Staandish oo’s willin’ to take a nifty fifty an’ right em off. I gets noo tyres an’ ee gets a bullseye; sweet eh? It’s like when I get mi car vallitid. I takes it to mi mate in Clayton street oo does it for firty an’ it comes back like braand noo. I ain’t nevva met im but ee’s a mate. Mind you, ee’s not as good as mi mate in Cobham who charges 300 quid. But, ee’s dooin all the footballers an’ all the rock stars of Landan an’ sometimes ‘ee charges ‘em as much as a bag o’sand. He’s makin’ a fortune but ee’s still a mate. Nevvamind, I know you just got a mowtta for 75 pawnds wiv istry an’ everifin but the last one I got was a one ownna, five fousand mile 325 BMW convertible, alloy 17 inch wheels, electric pack, levva, the lot, top o’ the range, it belonged to the missus of a mate a mine. I gave ‘ur a pair of Levis for it. Yeah, that’s right; I bloody nicked it foa a pair a Levis. She even giv mi a box to put it in. Naa, that wot I calls a result.

Mi 48 inch Plasma HD ready screens the same. I can stand in mi kitchen, knockin’ up a Thai, an still see the colour of ‘urr eyes as she goes daan on ‘im. I got everi pawn channel goin’, sports comin’ out o’ mi ears, everi movie that’s evva been made, animal shows where they kill an’ eat eachuvva, istri documenteriz wiv reel peepul smellin’ of shit an’ noos befoa its even ‘appened ; I got em all free from Sky. A mate o’ mine is the MD at Sky: ‘ee gave mi the total package, an’ the tele foa a bag a spuds. Earlia, I’d been to mi mate who owns Costco for some wine foa mi dinna. I parts wiv a pony for twelve bockles o’ the best. So mi an’ mi bird are secklin’ daan wiv the Thai an’ a 50 quid red, watchin’ Ingird an’ Kurt tanglin’ in the spar baff, an’ befoa we knows it we’re boaf naykid on mi hardwood flowa bangin’ away like monkeys in Africa. I didn’t even taste the fird bockle I was fackin’ elephants, but I do remember she was a crackin’ shag. You can’t beat good wine from a good mate. 

 ‘ee’s a proppa mate. Not like this facker oo’s tryin’ to do mi out of wot is mine. I breaks mi ankle on site, froo no fault o’ mi own. I could lose 200 laarge on lost contracts, 30 big ones froo loss of earnings an’ they’ve only offered 50 grand: I told ‘em straight, you must be jokin’, you must fink I’m a right mug, you cant. Anyway, mi lawyer, oo’s a mate o’mine, reckons I should ‘ang on for a ton because they were lax on safety an’ I got ‘em by the bollocks. He says it don’t matta that I was still pissed from the night befoa an’ tripped over mi own bag, they still gotta wedge up. Let’s all go daan the Strand, ave a banana, knees up mavva Brawn. Fackin’ cushty. 

Yeah, I got plenti o’ mates”.

Don't forget 'Cockney Nick's top Ten recipees from awl ova the World' for more gibberish to found at www.njparr.blogspot.com