More Tales

I attempted a tactical retreat at this point having heard more than enough that could have me sent down for ‘with holding in formation’, but was dragged back with, “Listen, listen, you haven’t heard anything yet. Tuppy Collins from Lostock had borrowed money over a period of several months from everyone and his cat: four grand here, ten there, until he had scammed about £130.000. 

He then went bust and claimed that he couldn’t pay off any one. I, along with ‘Slick’ Kevin, was into this twat for about nine apiece so we paid him a visit. He was at home with his mother, father, wife and new baby child. We were sat down calmly negotiating our ‘wedge’ sipping a civilised cuppa when there was a knock at the door and in stepped a total stranger. He was there to collect one of the larger debts, around £50,000. Of course Tuppy refused to pay. The stranger then pulled out a revolver and forced the mussel into the infant’s mouth. Immediately, both grandparents dissolved into a blubbering crumbling heap pleading with their son to honour the debt. But Tuppy stood firm. “You see the type of person that you brought into this world!” screamed the dark stranger, potently directed towards the fearful grandparents: “a cowardly, selfish, thieving bastard who cares nothing for his only child”. With that he cocked the trigger offering Tuppy one last chance. The cash was delivered the following morning. I’ll tell you I’ve never been as scared in my life. You know, no one else was ever paid and the friggin’ twat now lives in Spain in a big fuck off villa from where he runs his chain of restaurants!”  

All of this rhetoric regarding shattered limbs, unrequested amputations and threats of death can apparently happen in the motor trade, and I would surely expect to find this murky underbelly in most commercial activities but, as Chris always and honestly maintains he has never, never, never, never, taken that option. “If you start going down that road it can never end, your life is finished, these guys will not let go, and it’s a mugs game”. I had decided by now that I definitely couldn’t take anymore of these horrendous fairy stories so I took the rear wings and nosecone down to Young Danny the Paint to begin the priming process. I left Ken and Chris reliving other past experiences of the ‘The Quality Street Gang’, debt collectors extraordinaire. It’s a funny old world.