Phoney Religious nonsense

We were joined in the Oak by Doctor Dave and the landlord, both of which were thankfully, almost sober. A discussion from the previous night had re-surfaced in the form of a religious homophobic debate awash with gargantuan generalisations bolstered by farcical proposals.

“It’s no wonder loads of people are leaving the protestant church yet the Catholics can keep all their members. As soon as any church admits that they encourage gays and lesbos they’re finished. You never hear the Catholics saying that they have ‘shirts in their ranks; that’s why they’ve got so many members,” was the opening statement from Chris.

“So if you admit to having practising ‘billies’ in your church your congregation will become decimated,” questioned the landlord. “Now which protestant church would that be?”

“Yes, which churches are you actually referring to? The low or the high, the Baptists or the Methodists, the left or right footed Catholics? added Doctor Dave.

“You know what I mean, don’t be awkward. Ok. Let’s just look at the difference between St. Johns and Wigan Parish. I would bet that there are more people in St.Johns on Sunday than Wigan Parish, and that’s because there are too many ‘shit stabbers’ in the church,” defended Chris.

“What about the recent scandals with priests, shaggin’ alter boys? The Catholic church has finally owned up to that; haven’t they?” commented the landlord.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t here. It happened in America. We all know that the Yanks think they can do anything they want, anytime they want, anywhere in the world” responded Chris. “Look in your nearest bible and I think that you will find that man with woman is fine but man with man is not approved by the ‘big one’. In fact, he does state that if anyone is caught pushing the lawnmower up the hill his dick will drop off to be then eaten by the beasts of the air.”      

“Where have you accessed all of this wonderful data, this well researched statistics that prove your theory?” pondered Doctor Dave, with his clever, know it all professors head on.

“It’s been in all of the newspapers this week. I’ve suspected this was the case for some time; now it’s been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt. You see, regular folk don’t want ‘shirts’ fawning all over them on Sundays; telling them that they are wearing a nice tie or that their hair looks dreamy; they want good old fashioned tough religion, finger wagging, fire, brimstone, boiling oil, being beaten with wet socks, all reinforced by dark, menacing, threatening behaviour from the men of God.” I rest my case 

The argument continued with the landlord making more bullets as Chris dug himself deeper into the hole. A welcomed respite eventually arrived in the shape of Lowtie who brought the news that the police had dropped their investigation into the illegal posting of the notice of a proposed ‘half way house’ next door to his own property. He was, however, concerned about an apparent leaking pipe in his newly converted granny flat. “When Lewis returns from his Dubai trip I’ll have to get him on the case; it’s bloody ridiculous, paying out all of that money yet still have water seeping in,” blustered John.