Eric Cantona

In the evening at the Oak the serious discussion of deadlines, workload, Brockie, aluminium and guitars was interrupted by a ‘pertinent and relevant’ Doc who had lunched at Northcote Manor on crevettes, filet steak and raspberry fool washed down with fine claret. “By the way, what’s the French for ‘don’t shake the fuckin’ bottle, this is a sediment beer, this has got to be savoured; it’s not a cloudy German wheat beer but a bottle matured pale ale?” I assumed that the Doc was referring to the drinks exchange packet that we intend to deliver to Angers on the Beaujolais run. “We don’t want them spraying everybody, just ignorantly gulping it down; it must be done properly!” I suggested ‘ne frappez pas’ or ‘ne touché pas’ to which he enthusiastically agreed, but then, for only he knows, continued onto another strange literary path. “I keep saying to June, why haven’t we gone, made decisions about life, done the things we ought to have done, we should have taken the kids with us, now we’ve got grand children and we still haven’t gone, one park bench is the same as another, so is a two up two down or even a shoe box or a sponge; we are still in Wigan and everybody is coming back, even Joe Berry.”  Perhaps the rumours are correct the Doc is leaving or is he just mimicking Jose Mourinho who is also prone to verbal athletics. ‘The Chosen Ones’ recent statement referencing to the present lack of first team players he had available for a European cup game was equally pretentious. “Its all about eggs and omelettes. When you go to the supermarket there are three types of eggs; class 1, class 2 and class 3. Each can make an omelette. But some are more expensive than others and are of a better quality. It is no use going to Morrison’s when all they have are class 3 eggs when Waitrose have grade 1.” This analogy is on a par with Eric Cantona’s ‘seagulls following the trawler’ bullshit routine which also declines into ‘Tales of philosophical mystery, vain inconsequential fact but mainly bucket loads of  just plain bollocks’. The ‘must have’ ticket in town has got to be ‘an evening with The Doc, Jose and Eric’, a sell out gig.  

Dash=Les Paul

Tues.18.09.07. An extra hour working on the upper layer of the dash has confirmed that the configuration of a two-tier dashboard should prove to be a successful solution to pursue. The timber from Monsieur Luzan has sanded down to reveal a ‘Tiger stripe’ that is more consistent with guitar making rather than dashboard design. The famous USA guitar maker “Gibson” has produced a Les Paul single cut away from 1958 through to the present day, apart from the mid sixties when an inferior alternative was offered. The guitar has a solid body made up of a mahogany base capped by a carved maple top powered by twin humbucking pick ups. This combination of woods produces the rich warm tones significantly unique to this model. The valued specimens are the original 59 and 60’s guitars which have been owned and wonderfully played by past masters such as Peter Green, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page and David Kossoff  (Paul, really, only joking). Another attribute that has been associated with the ageing process has been the way the once sunburst top has faded naturally over the years into the flamed honeyburst. This is categorised by a rich book matched stripe that runs through the cap of the instrument. The very distinctive ones are known as ‘Tiger stripe’. The two samples of wood that Alain Luzan has provided are two impressive examples of this particular phenomenon; one of the pieces in particular has a prominent series of vertically figured striations running through its entire length. Possibly because of these somewhat bizarre connections with guitars, maple caps and most significantly the ability to reveal the splendour of the grain, it must be Richie, the master guitar maker, who will be offered the task of building the dash.

The used, broken windscreen obtained from Life’s motors has at long last been delivered to ‘Caldwells Marine windscreen Specialists’ of Wigan who recommend two choices of approach; a laminated proven screen or the more desirable toughened glass option that contains a clear plastic membrane to prevent shattering and stone chips.

Design decisions, dash!

Fri.14.09.07. The week has gone backwards again with very little progress being actually made. All the internal panels are finished, they have also been painted in the appropriate colours. The template for the dash is now available for who ever wants the job: both Richie and Dave Brown are in the frame. Their different talents have posed this problem of choice. Richie has the flare, Dave has the solidity of approach, but both have the determination to ensure a successful outcome. But, there again so do I. Over the previous six months the amount of premature designs, discarded patterns, ceaseless unresolved ideas has undoubtedly improved my personal woodworking skills. I now have the confidence, technique, craft, but more significantly, the ownership, to seize this golden opportunity for myself; and I probably will.  

Mon.17.09.07. After studying alternative dash design construction I have quickly realised that the impressive most successful images have a gentle shoulder that smoothly encircles all the instruments with a natural rounded rebate accentuating the form, but, also, only permits the merest part of the bezel to be exposed. The gauges are therefore not totally surface mounted but appear recessed nestling contentedly within the warm comfort of the luscious timber. I have attempted to replicate this feature by making a 6mm template of the clocks but have enlarged the cavities sufficiently to incorporate the softened shoulder. This model was then placed over the 4mm dash pattern. The sandwich of plywood ensures that the clocks sit flush on the original prototype but the enlarged upper layer provides the exposed contours of the finished article. In practise this effect can be achieved more accurately using a router, with the appropriate ‘bit’, to cut the exact profile together with the correct size of hole. I have a meeting with Dave Brown later this week to seek his advice as to how best to approach this problem. I can only access particular amateur ‘tools’ that over the years have been nourished by limited personal experience to produce a successful outcome of this peculiar, unique task.

The Oak had been particularly quiet over the weekend with Salty’s son Robert getting hitched the previous weekend in the Scottish Highlands to Christina Woods, the dreaded ‘Evening Post journalist’. Most of the pre-selected post wedding ‘in crowd’ had been summoned on Friday to attend the ritualistic Saturday event to collectively witness Philip’s bogus generosity. Drinks and Rugby in the Bowling Green followed by the evening buffet at the ‘Highmoor’. I am still baffled as to how ‘one’ is invited to any of Salty’s ‘do’s’. I am not Scottish, do not understand the nuances of 15’s rugby, I am not prepared to be bored shitless by dull monotone sycophants and I am definitely not impressed with his transparently phoney deep pocket. Having missed out on the weekend trip to Edinburgh as well as the jollities of the actual wedding I still await my opportunity, perhaps in the future, to say no. But whereas in the past I always pondered as to how I could gently inform the ‘captain’ that I unfortunately would be unable to accept his invite I now have the burning compunction to inform him that, ‘even if he offered the very last seat on the space shuttle that would take the very last surviving person from our decaying planet to a new trouble free life on Mars, I would have great pleasure to tell him to ‘stick it up his arse’.

Situations such as this are part of anyone’s daily grind, the everyday contradiction, the manner of ‘class’. It is not jealousy, nor the whispers that invariably hatch these covert celebrations, the reminder of not completely belonging within the group or any other form of exclusion: it is the secrecy, exclusivity empty false grandeur that is rooted in the very spirit of the activity.  Or, it could be the simple matter that, with all the persuasion in the world Chris could not accept an invitation to my beautiful daughters wedding where even his best friend, David attended; a festive atmosphere of genuine loving celebration freely and kindly offered, but, conversely without question, he gladly accepted an invitation to a function of a person he has personally distrusted all his life. Or, is my mood fuelled simply because I am just pissed off with the lack of progress of the car?  

Panels and Beaujolais

Fri.07.09.07. The construction of the door side panels is complete, along with the other interior sections, I reluctantly trudged up to Westmead for another suit fitting. The workshop was empty so, unhindered, I began to position the parts marking the areas that would need some alteration. I found that the upper reinforced edge of the door panels could be extended to the lower edge of the dash therefore effecting a natural conclusion for this piece of trim; the long sweeping curve taking the eye to the outside ends of the board. The simplistic under trim has also been a successful amendment; slimmer, less fussy it should complement the form of the dash perfectly. The gearbox shroud as well as the prop shaft tunnel cover has undergone the finishing touches to underline what is developing into a purposeful functional attractive ‘retro’ cockpit.

Whilst I was still delighting in my artistic woodcraft expertise I was disturbed by Chris entering the garage munching on the remains of his lunch. I anticipated the usual criticism but he, unpredictably, approved of the layout. “I’ll tell you what, Ni, Richies made another fine job of these panels, you can’t beat proper craftsmanship.” I awkwardly yet illicitly agreed, informing Chris that Richie had spent many hours making sure that everything was of an acceptably high standard. There were some minor faults nothing that Chris could not surreptitiously rectify, so as not to upset Richie keeping him warm, involved still on the case. Even better news was revealed when I noticed that all the lights, indicators and reflectors had been positioned on the wings, the access holes had been drilled ready for assembly. Both Colin and Chris had also had a meeting this morning to discuss the proposed steering column change which has now, mercifully, been decided against. The argument being that the exact position had been calculated to accommodate the comfort of the driver, his operation of pedals, the gear shift as well as instrument vision. But the most exciting part of their discussions concerned ‘when and how’ to lift the central tub off the car so that the chassis can be checked for peripheral damage, the boot box plus the clutch slave cylinder access can be properly re-worked. The relevance of lifting the tub ensures that the project, happily, is back on track. This operation ensures that once the body has been returned permanently, fixed to the rolling chassis there will be no more dry builds, no more major revisions, no more three forward two back and no more wasted time.

I returned home enthusiastically immediately beginning to cut, drill and fashion the ‘definitive’ dash. What a difference a day makes. (artist unknown).

On Sunday we have arranged a meeting, for all interested parties at the Oak with the revised travel plan for the Beaujolais run. Wine tasting at 3.00pm followed by, when everybody is pissed, the itinerary.  

           BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU TRIP 12^TH. TO 17^TH. NOVEMBER  2007

·      Depart the Royal Oak at 9am Monday 12.11.07. 

·      Return ferry crossing Dover Calais 3pm arrival by 5pm. Approx cost £50.00

·      Travel to Honfleur (Northern French Coast) to stay locally at the hotel   

     Mercure on the old harbour with fresh caught seafood on the menu.

     Cost £60.00. 

·      Tues. 13.11.07 drive South West to Angers for a reception sampling typical

     Loire Atlantique food and wine produce. Hospitality and free lodgings. 

·      Weds.14.11.07. Move across country to Beaujeu to enjoy the celebrations of

      ‘Semantelles’ staying at Le Mont Brouilly  in Quincie-en-Beaujolais having 

      a Gourmet meal in the evening at the hotel restaurant. There is a firework

      display and procession at midnight in Beaujeu for any interested parties. I 

      have copies of the menu and the room facilities. Cost £80.00.

·      Thurs.15.11.07. One hour away is Buxy where in the afternoon we can attend 

     another reception and taste local wine in the co-operative cave. We shall stay 

     In the ‘le Relais du Montagny’, but in the evening have another gourmet  

     Meal in the Michelin star restaurant ‘Aux Vines Annees’. Cost £70.00. 

·      Fri.16.11.07. Depart for the Northern coast to arrive in Cambrai to stay at

     ‘Le Mouton Blanc’. Fresh Normandy dairy and beef produce to enjoy in

     the hotel’s 19^th. century restaurant. Cost £60.00.  

·      Sat.17.011.07. We catch the Calais Dover ferry in the morning to arrive back 

       in Wigan early evening. Final reception at the Oak. Details to be announced. 

All the costs have been based upon two people sharing. The prices are per couple. To experience the full package, which includes rooms and all breakfast and evening meals, but excludes lunches, spending money and fuel the approximate cost is……………………..£320.00

It is always possible to offset these costs by returning to the UK with legitimate contraband either to consume oneself or fence locally.

The afternoon went well with the Doc providing cheeses, salmon plus an assortment of European sausages. The three white Burgundies were gratefully consumed along with a Muscadet sur lie and a peculiarly poor Sancerre. The numbers for the trip have been firmed up, the travel arrangements approved. The group now consists of 12 people: namely, Jo and I, the Doc and Alan, Kenny and Norma, Paul and friend, Sheffield Dave and Julie Young and lastly Dave and Julie Green plus two friends.

We just need the car to be ready to complete the whole picture.

Initiative

Weds.05.09.07. A sleepless night but renewed determination has taken me to Michaels workshop to exchange miserable stories about ‘dealing with the public’, ‘being let down’ but how thoroughly pleasant it is ‘working on your own’. We chatted on about the combination of ‘greens’ that I have been considering for the final colour mixture so given our recent mutual demise it wasn’t long before we both agreed upon Sage green leather matched by British racing green for the carpets. Job done, leather ordered; the seats will be covered by the 25th.of September. Bye, bye Michael and on to Nigel of Penk Autos of Standish. I had approached Nigel, Young Danny’s boss, three weeks ago with the suggestion of painting the car. Luckily, he is still interested in the work proposing that it would be much more sensible to paint the tub and engine panels first followed by the wings; this would ensure that the peripheral panels would have a better chance of remaining unmarked before assembly. Although a much more logical ‘modus operandi’ this is not how Chris and Colin perceive the task being completed, in fact their approach is quite the opposite. Sorry boys, the worm has turned, we shall follow the advice of Nigel and Nigel, tub first, wings later’, end of.

By lunchtime I had been to Richie’s workshop to cut the basic form for the door side panels and another simple dash outline. Within his workshop there are robust, power tools, in particular a rotary, belt sander, a 1200 watt band saw and a wonderful bobbin sander: all of which facilitate the procedures that I would find difficult in my cellar. As is the case with the under trim which recently has taken quite a battering with the constant changes. It has subsequently become very flimsy but worse still has developed into an undesirable end product. It is time for a fresh view and the component must be re-modelled.
I have personally, felt encouraged by the day. The interior is being realised, we have hopefully discovered a reliable, talented painter. Plait that.

The re- word

Tues.04.09.07. The beading has been stripped from the lower edge of the dash and bonded to the under trim. This has increased the volume of the trim excessively; later in the day 8mm was removed from the bottom face. Once shaped this proved to be an acceptable, more compatible mass. The batwings have been greatly reduced, attached to the ends of the dash and merged accordingly. During the afternoon I contacted John Gratton, the last person on the ‘painting list’, but he claimed to be ‘snowed under’ with work and couldn’t begin the job for two months. This would, inevitably, take us beyond our proposed deadline to conclude the build.

Regrettably, at Westmead, the rest of the car has remained untouched. There has not been any progress on the car for at least 10 days; sadly I fear that this will continue until Colin returns. Chris, increasingly, relies upon his input; he appears reluctant to continue independently without his support. Plainly this jeopardises the targets that I have set for September. Constant failure to meet ‘every’ objective throughout the entire project is becoming increasingly disheartening. I now do not recognize that the excessive modifications, poor quality components or inept ‘suppliers’ have been solely responsible for this present situation. We have never accomplished any of the established planned forecasts; programmes of work have been perpetually ignored, we have not been courageous enough to ‘sign anything off’ without pointless, repetitive re-design, re-build, re-cut, re-model, re-place, re-locate, re-invent. If I ever needed to be forceful now is the moment, a bold move is transparently fundamental; if I had the ‘bottle’ to confront Chris about any of these issues, if I had been more pro-active, dominant and assertive, if I had been much less apprehensive of experience and knowledge, if I had a double garage?

Cockpit

Burlington Diary September 2007

Mon.03.09.07.The various units that make up the cockpit design have been cut filled and sanded. The console area, which is now simpler but crisply angular, is much more compatible with the overall scale and the space that it occupies. The dashboard, however, appears clumsy uncomfortably incongruous. The batwing ends and the beading on the lower edge do not ‘work’ one feature too bulky the other over elaborate. A possible solution could be to amalgamate the ‘under trim’ with the beading but again the result would not be in keeping with the entire design. This exercise could be another ‘suck it and see’ or ‘hands on’ rolling experiment. I intend, also, to introduce some colour; adding the proposed shades to replicate the wood, leather and carpet. Because the gearbox and handbrake consoles are developing successfully I now feel confident to explore other areas of the interior, namely the door panels as well as the rear perimeters of the cockpit.

The Spitfire seats have been delivered to Michael who offered positive suggestions regarding the leather. ‘Andrew Muirhead’ had promptly returned a sample of ‘satin leaf’ but even though the quality was faultless the ‘green’ was too dark and would be too close to the planned colour of the carpet. The five metres provided would only cover the seats leaving very little else to trim the gearbox shroud: this could create problems with the anticipated blend, balance and colour of materials. Michael recommended ‘sage green’, which had been used in the original D type Jaguar; this would give sufficient contrast to the shade of the carpet and paint of the car. These hides are supplied by a new company who source the leather from Italy. The quality is excellent, the weight is slightly lighter; 1.2mm compared with 1.3 of Muirhead, but the cost is approximately half at £100 per hide. Not only is the price attractive but also the budget of £200 would purchase twice the amount of material, enabling other parts of the interior to be covered meeting all of the design criteria.

This is the start of an important month. Thirty days when recognisable goals should have been accomplished. The concluding dry build completed, the top coat of paint to the body panels, the interior trimmed, the electrics in place, the engine fired up, a successful approval from the DVLA and the all important road tests validating all of the problematic modifications to the car. But, I sense the looming presence of predictable, premature defeat reconciled by excuses engendered by doubt and a lack of belief, self inflicted worries fuelled by inertia rapidly evaporating the paltry, wavering enthusiasm that still remains. It is only when the tide goes out that you can see who is not wearing a bathing suit.

Meatloaf

Weds.19.09.07. I am presently affectionately known as ‘Meatloaf’ at Savoy timbers, currently making my 8^th blank dashboard then buying my 3^rd  hole cutting set. The boys down there know my exact measurements 48 inches by 8 and a half, worst of all I know the exact price of £1.96pence. Apparently the much adored ‘Meat’ penned a song called ‘dashboard lights’. But, none the less, the sharper set of cutters has made very light work of the 6mm plywood dash backplate, thankfully, my hobby band saw has accurately traced the outline shape of the model. So much so that the instrument holes have first been located then drilled accordingly. This should form the ultimate template for the eventual ‘facia’ and also act as, not only reinforcement, but more essentially serve as the fixing board for all of the gauges and switches.

Thurs.20.09.07. The template of 6mm plywood dash was laid upon the blank raw ‘maple’ that I sourced in France from Alain Luzan, after which the outline was drawn in. The centres of the holes were identified by using a compass. Applying the radius to produce a series of arcs their precise position could be located. Once marked they were pre-drilled with a 2mm wood bit to facilitate sighting the hole cutter in the correct place. To confirm the cutting procedure I telephoned Dave Brown to ask his advice as to whether my proposed method would be successful. It was suggested that two approaches could be adopted. However, both require a slightly smaller hole to be drilled for each of the instrument sockets, the template then clamped to the back of the blank board will function as a guide for the router. After which, the first method, being the simplest, is to choose the exact profiled router bit to enable the enlargement and the bevel to be fashioned simultaneously as a single cut. The second, much more complicated, creates a shoulder at a depth of 6mm followed by an extra cut to form the desired rounded contour.

It does appear that Dave is only prepared to offer advice, tuition and his excellent tools, but since I have boasted before that I must control total ownership of this aspect of the project, I must then, step up to the ‘plate’ put my toes on the ‘ocky’ swing the bat, propel the arrows, sink or swim or just finish up tit’s up, belly down, pear shaped, paddle, creek, shit, dead in water. 

Paul Scholes

Fri.31.07.08. On Monday Colin made the final adjustments to the scuttle/dash board brackets by fabricating triangular segments located at both end sections. The steering column has been re-located by 8mm to the left and raised by a further 5mm from the original position. This has resulted in the dashboard I have been working on becoming obsolete: this outcome is becoming increasingly repetitive. The hole that had been cut to accommodate the column is now incorrectly located. Also, the scale of the console, when attached to the dash, seems now to be incongruous, it appears ‘over-large’ almost clumsy in comparison. For the past three days I have been in pursuit of a balance between the ‘new’ juxtaposed to the ‘retro’. More so, I have basically had enough of the ‘shifting goal posts’ usually instigated in my absence, and so whilst Chris is away this weekend on Roberts ‘stag do’ I shall sneak up to the garage, work on site to finish all the panels for the cockpit. The dash, console, handbrake cover, side panels, ‘the whole nine yards’; I shall attempt to re-discover the pre-summer minimalist design. Fuck ‘em.   

By Sunday I had completed all the basic construction of all of the panels. I have been able to visit Westmead to make minor alterations, which were later re-worked in my cellar. There has been a good deal of cutting, filling and sanding but the simplistic bare arrangement is a distinct improvement: this will be the ‘definitive’ design. As a seemingly unrelated coincidence whilst watching the football this weekend I began to admire the long career of Paul Scholes of Manchester United: the often-unsung midfield ‘ginga’ who possesses the combined football talents of Nobby Styles as well as Alan Ball. Paul Scholes, the worm gatherer, so called because during the world cup under Glen Hoddle, he preferred to quietly stroll aimlessly around the cultured grounds of the team hotel, with his head constantly bowed to the floor completely absorbed, steeped in his own reverent thoughts, instead of playing several rounds of golf, foolishly entrapped within the Gazzer posse ‘getting pissed’ and shagging countless groupies. He is the ultimate professional footballer; a very rare breed. He has stayed with one club all his playing career, he has had the same haircut for 15 years, he still lives in Manchester, is married to the same girl, shuns any sort of promotional and marketing shit, has sensibly stopped playing for an underachieving England side, does not have the usual silly nickname like Keano, Giggsy, Butty or Becks and he still wears black football boots. A simple lad who just gets on with the job: a little like my pompous self.

August is over and with only September to complete the car; given road trials and a visit from the DVLA, the timeframe is tight

New contacts and pig roast

Thurs.23.08.07. The steering column bracket routed under the scuttle, has been bolted then glassed, which now allows the dash and console to be positioned exactly. I have re-modelled the curve shaving the height of the console so that it will fit snugly. I have begun to confirm the ‘definitive’ configuration of the console, shaping the edges verifying the eventual image.I have contacted Premier Auto Trim speaking to Michael, who can re-cover the seats in leather for £400.00 within 3 weeks. I intend to visit the workshop on Tuesday to ‘vet’ the quality of his work.

Fri.24.08.07. I have spent most of the day shaping the console. The indentations have been filled with a mixture of PVA with MDF sawdust. This proves to be the ideal natural ‘filler’. It is always prudent to retain any of the sawdust that is created from previous modelling: this can be combined with PVA to create the perfect natural filler, the texture and colour accurately matching the piece that has been constructed. When sanded down the patched areas seamlessly blend into the required form to achieve a faultless finish. That is my tip for the day; I hope that you enjoyed. 

Mon 27.08.07. The bank holiday weekend has passed; the console has been finely shaped, fingers crossed it should pass muster. Colin has installed the steering column bearing in the left hand side of the bulkhead. He has also completed the fastening brackets for the dash. Due to the length of the steering rod it may be necessary to position another bearing close to ‘rack end’ to ensure increased stability plus greater sensitivity throughout the entire system.

Pigfest.

The Doc had arranged the first tasting of the murdered hogs in the form of a spit roast. The first criminal to be offered was, appropriately, Steve McQueen, the rebellious leader of the rampaging pack of porkers who in one single foray had totally destroyed Adele’s lawn. He was the runt of the litter but clearly was the smartest. Just like many small people, deceitfully sharp, unpredictably aggressive, thrusting, determined, yet infuriatingly, always successful. ‘Never trust a small, forty year old male in any situation’ is an adage that always rings true. Consider, for instance, Napoleon, Adolf, Edward G Robinson, Charlie Drake, Jimmy Clitheroe and Psycho Colin.

The roasting tray was constructed from a rusting oil drum, the mechanism being constructed from one seven foot length of scaffolding supported on either end by two metal bar stools. The charcoal was piled on to the floor directly beneath the skewered animal, lit rather leisurely at one o’clock, which was not the proposed stating time. The average cooking period is approximately 8 hours so the optimum target starting time was, in fact, 9pm. But, Paul and the Doc had spent the previous night consuming several bottles of Cointreau complemented by infinite cups of strong black coffee presumably planning the job, honing every detail with military precision. The delay meant that when guests arrived late in the afternoon the pig was far from ready. Typically, accusations were aimed towards the tardy chefs who by now were regularly turning their ‘home made’ contraption in a futile attempt to cheat time: the limbs limply swaying as the joints opened, the spinal core bending precariously with every little rotation. The ingredients were ideal for the gathering ‘man’ crowd. There was fire, wood, blood raw meat all ‘held together’ with sharpened stakes, a creaking weakened platform roughly bound by garden wire. It wasn’t long before Lowtie, Cockney Mick and Doctor Dave were rendering the original protagonists obsolete taking command of the rudderless, floundering shipwreck lowering the chard carcass onto the hot coals, thus defying the sensible, cautious ‘slow cook’ method.  The hot fat ignited on impact, smoke and flame filled the immediate space, the crowd fled to the comfort of the bar. Once it became safe to return, sadly, what remained was a blackened smouldering cinder, a million miles away from the promised succulent, juicy, tender, appetising chunks of pork. Slowly, one by one, excuses were made, rats slipped away, Elvis has left the building.          

Another tuttle

Mon.20.08.07. I have started the umpteenth dashboard design buying yet another piece of MDF drawing out the ‘definitive’, ultimate, authoritative, decisive, conclusively final proposed pattern. For the eventual representation there is still a strong possibility of using the timber provided by Alain Luzan. The wood is only 10mm in thickness but could be laminated at either end enabling the ‘batwing’ configuration being carved out, included in the whole piece. The timber has a naturally strong yellow/honey colour that could be enhanced by applying a light stain followed by several diluted layers of oils or beeswax. This could be a bold, winning statement promoting the colour theme of green and gold, or an expensive, fundamental ‘faut pas’, but I am prepared to take the risk.  The console is pretty much finalised with only the major decision of whether or not to integrate dashboard timber into the façade. However, this is fraught with danger: to use too much would be excessively ostentatious (in this situation ‘less’ may, in fact, be ‘more’). Additional ‘R and D’ is the order of the day.  

I have been in touch with Suzanne Riches who is Wigan’s ambassadress in Angers in the hope that some hospitality can be arranged on Tuesday 13^th. November. I have briefly explained the present itinerary of our trip as well as the suggestion that we can transport ‘in house brewed’ beer, organic pork, a selection of pies together with other local delicacies from the Oak as a gesture of goodwill, or perhaps, better still, ‘trade’ for their produce, wine, pate, and cheese. 

Tues.21.08.07. I have been on a spending spree buying many of the missing cables in addition to other various sundries. Paddocks have supplied, an accelerator, brake and choke cable, an angled speedo drive, a HT set, another set of plugs, an automatic gearbox wiring loom, a fan belt plus various clips and bolts for £65.43; less the discount for the return of the unused middle section of SS exhaust pipe. The Welsh MG Centre has ripped me off for ‘second hand’ petrol filler assembly at £34.08. John the paint has provided three folded mild steel sections to be fabricated into the dashboard retaining brackets for £6.00.   

Weds.22.08.07. I had spent most of the morning then into mid-afternoon cutting out the instrument apertures as well as shaping the console, only to find later, having been summoned to Westmead, to discover the horizontal attachment bracket had been re-modelled. As a result the dash and console at present, does not fit but requires altering accordingly or transformed completely. Colin has prepared a reinforcement piece that also doubles as the front location face for the lower plane of the dash, combined with the holding mechanism of the steering column; the piece runs the whole width of the scuttle floor. An upper section, that mirrors the lower, will be added later allowing the dash when in position to be supported on every edge of its parameter.

The other purpose of the journey to Standish was to collect the Mk2 seats from Terry the trimmer.  They need to be precisely located in the tub to assist the sighting of the steering column. Terry has had the seats for about 15 months but has not yet started the recovering. We are rapidly realising that he does not want the job; we have again wasted valuable time. Just as Danny, Terry has ignored phone calls and requests to begin the work. Even though it is late in the day, with very few other options, they are both swiftly edging toward the fuck off bin to join the fast growing band of unreliables, shysters, Billy liars and bull shit merchants.

Suzanne Riches has responded to my e’mail sounding quite enthusiastic about our visit to Angers. She has a meeting with the ‘twinning commissioners’ tomorrow when she will present our case. A rendezvous with wine growers, cheese makers and other local food producers can also be arranged along with accommodation for the night.                                                                                 

Carivorous porkers

Sat.18.08.07. Colin has had another full day securing the steering shaft bearing alongwith concluding the petite alterations to the front bumper brackets. His careful preparation from the previous day paying dividends in that all the ‘self made’ components could be fitted easily. They were later both welded then bolted to the broader chassis.  Meanwhile, Chris has bonded a 2mm steel plate, again ‘prepared earlier’, below the scuttle to act as a locating point for the dashboard but this significant piece of fabrication also creates extra reinforcement for that area of the car.                                                                                                           

Eviction. Breaking news at the Oak at the weekend has confirmed the imminent removal of pigs from ‘Southpork’. The local ‘Ramblers Society’ has written a barrage of letters, all addressed to David and Adele, expressing their fears regarding the proximity of the pigpen which coincidentally rests adjacent to their ‘right of way’: a path that, up until recently, had not been in use for many a long year: massively overgrown, virtually impossible to traverse. They have felt in mortal danger from the marauding, savage, wild creatures who rejoice in leaping out from behind the beech saplings snorting and grunting in a terrifyingly fiercesome manner. They are particularly concerned about the imminent threat to their precious children who could potentially suffer mutilation, losing the odd digit or worse still being dragged screaming and kicking into the dark tousled undergrowth voraciously consumed by a posse of carnivorous porkers. They continually voice their opinions about defending everyone’s basic right to walk the English landscape along established footpaths: through farmer’s front rooms, across newly sewn pasture, over virgin moor land, journeying beyond remote mountains and lakes, unhindered, unfettered but also without being violently attacked by man or beast. These crusty, interfering, erroneous warriors declare to have an obsession for ‘all things natural’, assert that ‘freedom’, liberty with uniformity is rooted at the core of their mission statement have conversely in their compassioned wisdom, ‘to a man’ signed the death warrant of ‘Rooter, Spot, Shackleton, Rose, Bloater and McQueen’. David and Adele have, justifiably, buckled under pressure; as a consequence the abattoir beckons tomorrow, young lives shall be prematurely terminated proving that the pen is as mighty as the electric lance of death. R.I.P. 

Vigilante

Fri.17.08.07. The day did not begin too well with Kevin of Fastline Motors, Preston, phoning to tell me that my Motorcycle parts bound for France had arrived, but at a cost. Sure enough he was correct. I stared down at the counter where a cardboard head gasket a rubber rocker box cover joint plus 16 of the tiniest valve stem seals emerged through the fog of the plastic wrapping. I picked the package up to find that it also was particularly light having little substance. The total bill was £167.42 an obscene inexplicable figure for basic components fashioned from the simplest of materials. Honda are taking the piss. The clear comparison here is the relatively inexpensive Triumph parts: I recall a complete engine gasket set being £18.00, piston rings, main bearings, valve seals all a matter of pennies. The range of quality, original stainless steel products from Morgan a mere pittance, the seasoned timber for the dashboard (2 pieces) from Alain Luzan for £13.00, Borg and Beck clutch assembly £59.00, an electronic distributor from H+H Ignition Solutions £116.00. The list is endless, so how Honda can arrive at this absurd figure is beyond belief.
My day continued to nose dive when I was summoned to accompany Dick to return to Preston, the scene of the recent mugging, to pick up a basket case C180 Merc that functions only in 1st. gear. I had to suffer Dick’s pontifications about all manner of issues from, his facile remedy for the evident global warming threat, lunatic brainwashed terrorists, the ‘out of control’ feral gangs of youths who roam our lawless streets, the toothless, worthless tax collecting police, the limp, cosseted, cowardly, blindingly corrupt modern British politician and the perennial question of how best to market clockwork wanking monkeys as well as argumentative parrots. Dick’s remedial decree to societies ‘troubles’ was straightforward, outstandingly uncomplicated. “It’s simple; every city, town and village forms a vigilante group comprising of dutiful tax paying locals. In their own community they identify wayward hooded kids, suspicious, furtive ‘ner do wells’, anti-social Monday club spongers. They firstly, give them an initial warning but later when necessary, subject them to a right good battering before moving them on. Thus bypassing ineffectual, dumb plod that whimpers every time a ‘skanky’ gets a slap or turns a blind eye when old ladies are mugged! Secondly, instead of being forced to sit behind their desk listening to their fuckin’ i’pod, we inoculate our loyal ‘Tommy’s’, by injecting large doses of angry, psycho juice so that they can function properly, namely, to randomly dispose of anyone linked to every clandestine group who’s name begins with ‘El’, ‘Al’ or ‘BN’, in addition to ‘nuking’ every country east of France!” Thankfully Preston is only 25 miles away, so I effortlessly descended into my black vacuous space pressing the switch off button.
But, even the end of the day had a sting in the tail. The crippled Merc had to be dispatched to Slicks for some serious mechanical surgery where Dick and Kath immediately began exchanging expletives in a ‘fuckfest’ that would have been envied in Sam’s bar. I left them staring gormlessly under the bonnet of an Audi A4, “it’s the fuckin’ thermostat” “it’s fuckin’ not dickhead, there’s water pissing out of the bell fuckin’ housing” “well, twat face, where’s the fuckin’ black shitty smoke fuckin’ comin’ from, bollock brain”.   I escaped for a welcomed toot around the workshop. On the roof of Porche 911 was a plastic bag containing 2 rubber rocker box cover gaskets. I unwisely asked Mike the mechanic how much they actually cost. Searching through the wodge of invoices he came up with a figure. Unfuckinbelievable, I had just paid £48 quid for one puny gasket, Mike had two for a friggin’ Porche 911 at ‘£11.45’. I rapidly rejoined Dick and Kath for the ‘fuckfest’.

Colin had reported for work at 9.am sharp. He had recovered from his ‘bad back’ and was ready to finish several of the tasks he had started the previous month. The robust steel bar, purchased earlier from ‘B and Q’, would, somehow, to be fashioned into the rear chassis bumper brackets. Throughout the day Colin cut, shaped, hammered, filed and ground sections from this plain simple 6mm bar into two precision made unique artefacts. Married to the Morgan brackets they integrated perfectly to support the chromed rear bumper. Welded to the silencer exhaust bobbin and chassis sub frame they have produced the ideal engineering ‘triangular configuration’ for maximum strength and rigidity. The front bumper was attached to a much more straightforward section of fabricated 2mm mild steel plate. A threaded bar welded to the chassis, incorporated within front plate, was bolted to the bumper bracket to complete the assembly. The complex angles, exact measurements, problematical constructional techniques combined with the expertise necessary to form these multifaceted exclusive pieces are yet another minor, yet infinitely important element making the car distinctive, possibly matchless. This has not been such a bad day after all. 

stuttering arseholes

Weds.15.08.07. Needless to say Colin failed to turn up sighting his bad back as the cause. Chris managed some of the fabrication before the blade in his jig saw packed up. I had filled my day labouring over the console which is held together with glue, pins, screws and clamps. There is still a great deal of repetitive toil before it resembles what is intended. The task has become ‘labour’ because of the unremitting ‘déjà vu’ that I am constantly experiencing. I have unquestionably trod this path before unfortunately I feel quite discouraged. 

Thurs.16.08.07. I have continued to work simultaneously on both units. I have laminated the underpart of the dash using MDF trimming the edge with half-round beading, gluing and clamping as the assembly progresses. Lastly, each will be shaped then sanded to take the final top layer of leather. The curved ends of the dash have been formed by using soaked, ‘bendy’ MDF screwed to a contoured frame; the cuts on the back being filled with a mixture of PVA and sawdust to maintain the curve. Once dried the framework can be removed, the spaces behind them ‘packed’ and the batwing ends joined to the main part of the dash. Potentially, there will be a problem when the ‘proper’ dash is cut to replicate these curved ends. To achieve this effect it maybe necessary to reproduce this shape from a carved, solid piece of wood or, another solution would be to completely cover the entire dash with a veneer.

Typically, there has been a downside to the day: ‘no show Colin’, Chris has not worked on the car because of the broken jigsaw blade, Danny the Painter is still hiding on Mars, discouragingly Gordon, the alternative painter, has declined the offer of jumping into his boots.  

Determination or wind

Mon.13.08.07. As I suspected the configuration of dash and console failed to accomplish total approval, my efforts being immediately carved up until Colin’s model bizarrely emerged from the remnants of scrap cardboard, MDF and tape. After three hours of locking horns a solution gradually emerged. By gentle persuasion, stubbornness or, more likely, simply ignoring every hint, wheedled argument, disguised proposition, implied suggestion my design became inexplicably suitable: we, therefore, had returned full circle to my primary intended proposals. With a touch more rounding off, softening, sympathetic tweaking we shall realize an agreeable, compatible, organic, potentially, sexy image. This indeed will be ‘le coeur de la voiture’. This incident reminded me so much of my daughter’s dog, ‘Tommy’. Always a sociable friendly individual he will gallop towards any other like minded critter to exchange enthusiastic tail wags, nose-arse sniffs, except when a larger aggressive beast attempts to dominate. Tommy handles this situation by pretending that the loud mouthed bully does not exist, he becomes selectively dumb and blind to trot on his merry way completely ignoring the intrusive unwanted demands: what an intuitive smart animal.

If nothing else I have become personally protective, quietly determined about the direction of this element of the vehicle. I have confidence in my ability to ‘design and make’ an exciting, professional interior compatibly embracing all the other stimulating ingredients of the vehicle. The ultimate finished product will possess genuine suitability with honest integrity because I ‘understand’ the car; it is not just another ‘job’.  

Tues.14.08.07. After all my boasting I now have to put my money where my mouth is, construct the ‘best dashboard and console in the world’. I have bought the timber, I have the patterns, all that remains is to cut and make the units precisely producing a more than ‘acceptable’ complete article. Having cut two left hand console sides by mistake, I had to visit Savoy Timbers, yet again, to buy replacement timber. Maybe, I am a tosser after all.

Meanwhile, Chris has been preparing the groundwork for the expected arrival tomorrow of Colin. He intends to fabricate the bumper chassis brackets and also conclude the assembly of the exhaust system. Earlier in the day I had purchased two sets of axle stands to raise the chassis and tub from the floor. They should facilitate the access to all operational areas. Abex Power Components have provided a bearing arrangement that will be fitted to the bulkhead providing an angled rigid exit for the steering rod. An additional ‘Hardy Spicer’ located 30cms from the bearing will also offer supplementary secure movement to the steering rack.

Without becoming over excited, I have felt that the labour of today has given a legitimate lift to the project. We have been treading water for some time but by the end of the day Chris does seem to have regained his enthusiasm talking in his familiar animated manner about ‘out doing’ Colin. “I’ll tell you what; if Brockie doesn’t pitch up tomorrow I’ll make these friggin’ brackets myself; that’ll show him!” It is a sure indication that when Chris rediscovers his competitive rivalry with Colin the sun shines brighter, the halcyon days are returning. Fingers crossed.     

Wine tasting

Sun.12.08.07. Being slightly ‘anal’ I have retained most of the ‘moc ups’ of previous patterns of the dash together with the rest of the interior parts. The very first model for the console combined unwanted, battered cardboard crudely fashioned fixed together with PVA, masking tape, brown paper, vinegar and sugar. This contraption has been slowly decomposing in my damp cellar, most of which cannot be re-cycled. After several minutes of study I realised that many of the other panels could be rescued to be reinvented later within the present proposals. Snip, snap, click, clack, bish, bosh, et viola, in all its’ shabby glory has evolved the ‘Mk6.’ console. I appreciate that a fundamental, essential and formative stage in the design process requires working with simple, cheap materials, so having to revert back to this level has felt something of a retrograde pointless task to which I thought I would never need revisit. The work is finished: the dash covered with brown card to simulate wood, the console presently consists of patched rotting cardboard, duck tape, PVA and paper. This shall remain so until approved by the masters.

At 3pm we had scheduled a wine tasting session down at the Oak with all the potential members interested in the Beaujolais trip. I had taken 3 bottles of red that I had brought back from the cave at Buxy. The 4.20 euros cote Bourgoyne, the 6.40 euros Cote Chalonaisse and 9.20 euros Premier Cru Givry were offered as typical samples from the region. All of which were gently consumed with the aid of a rustic, cross parmigano/goats cheese brought back from Santorini by the Preacher. The afternoon became quite successful as other interested parties were keen to join the run. The committed group members now consist of Jo and myself, the Doc and Alan, Dave and Julie Green + two friends, Kenny and Norma + two friends: other possible members include Cockney Mick wiv ‘er indoors, Kerry plus new fit boyfriend, Katie and Simon. 

The Sunday darts match concluded with Lowtie and Chris orchestrating the usual mayhem, Doctor Dave, of all people, ‘guiding’ the winning arrow with a double 10. It was only later that I discovered that Dave, in a past life, had represented Wigan at darts, pool and ‘dom’s; asserting himself as the ideal ‘unknown ringer’. After ten consecutive defeats the chalice known as the Cheatham cup has returned victoriously to team Chris. This might be the fillip he needs to finish the car? Stranger things have happened.      

Beaujolais changes

 

Sat.11.08.07. Isabelle Brouchard has returned an e’mail with details of a local Hotel that can accommodate the Beaujolais party. I have confirmed 7 rooms at “Le Mont Brouilly” with Madame Bouchacourt for the evening of 14.11.07. The hotel is situated in the village of Quincie-en-Beaujolais lying 7km from Beaujeu where the venue for the ‘Sarmentelles’ dinner will take place. Isabelle is also sending me an application form for the celebration evening she recommends that I must contact Nathalie at the office of the Marie to book our places. On Sunday I have organised with Doc to sample the wines that I have brought back from Montagny: I shall introduce the revised schedule then.

                                                                                        CHANGES TO THE BEAUJOLAIS RUN

·      The crossing on the overnight boat remains the same on Monday

    12.11.07.

·      The first night 13.11.07 will now be spent in Angers at present,

    negotiations are underway with the ambassadress to see what

    might be available on our arrival.

·      On Wednesday 14.11.07. we are staying at “Le Mont Brouilly” in

     Quincie-en-beaujolais, 69 euros for twin en suite with mountain   

     Views, 8 euro breakfast. This venue is 7 km from Beaujeu where

     the celebration dinner ‘Sarmentelles’ will take place in the town 

     Hall, the ‘Marie’.

·      Thursday afternoon 15.1107. we shall visit the co-operative cave at

     Buxy to sample the wines of the region. In the evening we can

    enjoy a gourmet meal at ‘Le grands vignes’ in the village. The

    menu starts around 20 euros. We shall stay at the Logis in the

    village, 45 to 60 euros per night.

·      On Friday 16.11.07 we shall travel north to stay at Cambrais in

     Picardie.

·      Saturday 17.11.07.We shall catch a mid morning ferry, drive to

   Wigan and arrive home at approximately 6pm.

Interior design

Fri.10.08.07. I have completed the basic structure of the dash as well as the console. To create the curve of the section that integrates the dash with the gearbox cover I have laminated two pieces of bendy MDF together. Secured on a cradle that replicates the exact curve the two pieces were glued, screwed and clamped. After the glue had set the section was freed leaving the curve intact, perfectly formed. The dash has been covered with brown Daler board to simulate the wood effect, the decals attached to imitate the instrumentation. The lower facet of the dash which will eventually be covered in leather fitting directly under the wooden segment; this portion will also contain the identification symbols for the switches which are located above. The side panels of the gearbox and prop shaft cover have been reduced in height to lower their profile. They will be re-made when their precise outline has been established.

All of this work together with the bumper brackets was taken to Westmead for the third ‘suit’ fitting. After the brackets had been identified as front and rear, left or right they were attached to the bumpers and offered up to the chassis: they fit perfectly. The complexity of the planes within the bracket would have been impossible to shape and fabricate by Colin. So, although expensive, they have been a wise purchase from Life’s Motors. They are incredibly strong, faithful in design, yet unexpectedly they are also ‘fit for purpose’.

Unlike my second ‘suit’ fitting which didn’t adhere to Colin’s ‘70s super car concept I could clearly sense an air of doubt. Chris tried his level best to somehow subvert my retro perception chipping away at the proposed elements until all that remained was an interior that resembled a 1976 Lamborghini cockpit complete with oodles of cheap bling, wide collared open necked shirt, orange flairs, velvet jacket, stacked heels, black Afro wig. I did suggest that I felt this image belonged in another car in another epoch not the Burlington to which the response was “Well, it’s your car; you have what you want, just as long as it is what I want as well!” I think not.

During April and May I had spent the best part of a month exploring, representing and constructing the interior, I was, perhaps, a fraction away from finalising the genuine heart of the car. I return from the summer to find that all this work has been undone, it has been replaced by an incongruous, brash, inferior, vulgar image that has probably been a ‘constant’ in every car that Colin or Chris has ever worked on: a bland, typecast, unoriginal, predictable notion that has no place in my vehicle. I shall conclude my model this weekend; present it on Monday that will be an end to it. A line shall be drawn; it shall be ticked off, boxed off, crossed off, so that we can move on.

Beaujeu

Thurs.09.08.07. Isabelle is the extremely helpful contact at the ‘Office de Tourisme’ in Beaujeu. This tiny village in the middle of the Beaujolais region of Southern Burgundy claims to be the nadir of ‘Beaujolais Nouveau’. I have made a request to join their celebration dinner on the evening of Wednesday 14.11.07. at the ‘Mairie’, Hotel de Ville, this must be the best possible venue as they are having their dinner one day earlier than the rest of the world. She is also contacting the only hotel in Beaujeu to book all of their 7 bedrooms for the group of English that hopefully will be on the trip. 

Their e’mail address also has a certain ring to it, ot@aucoeurdubeaujolais.fr. Which roughly translates as ‘the heart of Beaujolais’, Isabelle will send me an application form to attend the dinner but at this point in time she perceives there being ‘no problem’: I seem to recall Katinka saying the same; only time will tell. The Thursday night could therefore be taken up with a formal dinner in Buxy at the Gormandaisse ‘Aux Annees Vins’ restaurant having spent the afternoon in the Cooperative cave sampling the local Montagny. The trip is taking shape, unlike the car.

I have been modifying several components of the dashboard alongside that of cockpit focussing mainly upon past successes, adapting, within these, the new proposals. Once the skeletal form has been defined I intend adding colour to simulate carpet wood and leather. I hope to be in a position by the weekend of finalising 80% of the ‘definitive’ design.

A pleasant afternoon was spent with John at Life’s Motors, sniffing around the wonderful array of cars but also purchasing four bumper brackets with the appropriate nuts and bolts, the remaining piece of rubber wing strip and two stainless steel boot rack brackets. The total cost was £120.00 cash which makes the brackets for the Burlington at about £25.00 each, ridiculously expensive: “I’ll tell you what Linda, they are the most expensive brackets I’ve bought, but they’re bloody good I say, just like my mate in Swindon”. I don’t like being mugged but it at least it was by a gentleman. 

     

More dashboard design

Weds.08.08.07. I am attempting to fashion the new dash at home instead of on site where minor or major alterations can be achieved much easier. I have spent most of the day cutting and re-cycling previous models working blindly in the hope that after the second ‘suit’ fitting the final design will edge towards completion. I realise that this is not the perfect working procedure but certain factors have pushed me into this corner. 

I can work quietly, remain focussed, become thoughtful, not distracted but more significantly have all my tools available my workbenches clean, clutter free. The fact that I have spent endless wasted time juggling, scribbling adjusting a day’s work on site then spending the following day undoing and re-doing is really beside the point. I know that I can make my concept work, I can design the dash as well as the rest of the interior, I can produce a practical aesthetically pleasing proposal all on my own without Brockie’s 1960 time warp input or Chris dithering, looking for problems, total lack of logic, unreasoned approach or destructured methodology. I shall take control of every aspect of the cockpit paradigm. I shall choose the scale, proportion, balance, line and colour ways. I shall choose the combination of materials, leather, wood and carpet. I shall choose the arrangement, position and content of the instrumentation, gauges and switches. I shall choose the steering wheel whether it be, Brooklands, Isotta, Sparco, Mountney, Momo, Motolita, Cakilita, Crapiotta, Plopimomo or even  Shitaki. I shall determine the rear storage space, its construction, finish and purpose: perhaps a refrigerated wine, cheese, pate, charcuterie or hidden smugglers hold to accommodate 20kgs of Moroccan Black. I shall decide all these elements no one else. I am about to take control.

Who says there is no ‘I’ in team?  

Parrots

Tues.07.08.07. I have the made the next cardboard maquette for the dash. I have truly lost count of the number of designs that have been proposed but hopefully this should be the ‘definitive’ (whoops, here comes that word again). After several adjustments the dash sits comfortably. The console being much lower at a more severe angle follows the tapered line of the forward compartment. Oddly enough, this concept bears a striking resemblance to the original design of Brockie’s back in the early days of the spring of 2006. Now that’s what I call a predictive, manipulative coincidence.

Breaking up the afternoon Chris, Dick plus myself had to collect an RX8 from Greenacres in Clitheroe. The car turned out to be something of shed, horrendously filled and badly painted. This compounded the journey because instead of having to suffer the outbound journey we were ‘double Dicked’ having to return without the car. Dick’s latest E’Bay conquest has been ‘talking parrots’. “They come in a variety of plumage to replicate the major breeds of the world, the rainbow parakeet of Australia, the salmoncrested Chilean cockatoo, the redcrowned Argentinian blue, the great greenspotted redbibbed Peruvian pink and of course the full range of Macaws, including blue, yellow, scarlet, red and green. They can all decree, exchange and discuss endless topical subjects by the use of supportive, reasoned argument, intelligent dialogue prolonged by amiable conversation, thus engaging the purchaser in stimulating, informative debate: from the global economic effects of emerging nations particularly the problems within the Republic of China to whether Chelsea or Man Utd will win the Premiership this year. They never swear, the batteries run for ever, they are very clean, they don’t need feeding because they’re just a toy, they’re not real, so you can sell them to little kids and old ladies for their birthdays. I’ve sold all the 50 that I bought making a tidy £20.00 profit, excluding P+P: it’s a piece of piss, it beats the shit out of banging your brains out with skanky car dealers who are always trying to turn you over.” We sensed there may be a Stella moment this evening.  

Eviction

Mon.6.08.07. It has been a day of re-planning the dash, console along with the general cockpit area. I have returned mid afternoon with various broken bits of cardboard, MDF and plywood that were the previous ‘definitive’ models. I am realising lamentably, that this concept called ‘definitive’ is a state of ‘nirvana, paradise, heaven, utopia or winning the lotto’, all of which are invariably impossible to attain, are perpetually illusive, consistently unbearably unachievable. Nevertheless, I sped around to my local B+Q to buy yet more MDF and, better still, ‘bendy MDF. The bendy stuff can be shaped every which way and so the nuances of the most recent design can be easily achieved, or so I am informed.

Eviction.

Late on Sunday night after a gallon of Deuchars the Doc stunned every one by announcing that he was about to be evicted. Chris whispered this revelation early in the evening supporting his information after having spoken to Billy Green earlier that day. Bill, above all, even after a liquid afternoon is still capable of picking up and even more crucially actually remembering such gossip the day afterwards unlike most people, myself included, who find such drunken babble rapidly disappears down the vacuous black hole referred as the ‘memory’. Both Chris and I began to speculate about the stubborn temperament that exemplifies the Doc. Looking at the most recent rain damage above the bar, the debate ensued as to whom’s responsibility it would actual be to repair the swollen ceiling. We both imagined the ‘Old American stand off’; gunslingers, index finger twitching, Serge Leone twanging in the background. “That’s what he’s done, he’s dug his heels in, he’s claiming that it is brewery’s responsibility and not his.” I can just hear him banging on- I won’t pay for the work as long as I have got a hole in my arse, furthermore, consider this, you’re not getting your rent until YOU pay for it- This scenario always finishes tits up with the bigger fish eating the small one. “They call this the food chain, Ni, trust me, trust me”, proposed Chris. “Think about it, Ni, that’s what he’s done, he’s upset the brewery and they’re booting him out!” Lowtie subsequently arrived to add to the speculation, speaking over three fields he reinforces the theory of non payment of rent. “The flood damage has got to him, he’s finally cracked, the walls are tumbling down, Prince Ferdinand has been assassinated, the Germans have invaded Poland, France has capitulated, he’s doomed!” Why Lowtie should always compare the slightest problem with the Great world Wars only he knows. Andy Lewis strolls to bar, Chris cops for another drink, but he doesn’t mind so much because Andy could perhaps add another twist to the story. “What do you think, Andy, about the Doc being evicted, tonight, by the brewery; he’s an obstinate, Bolshie bugger, it’s just like him to self destruct on a matter of principle. Bloody ‘ell, it’s just occurred to me there’s no where we can go for a drink, we’ll be wandering around, like the last time he spit his dummy out, like the Tuareg of Swinley, dipping in, not welcomed, unwanted, to the ‘fast and loose’ and ‘costcutters’, the right arm severed at the shoulder!”

“Is he not being evicted from David’s land, not the pub, because of the damage to Adele’s lawn? I don’t think Cockney Mick’s explanation of a stampede of rogue Roe deer, their tiny hooves churning up the ground like a 3 ton Massey Furguson, was actually believed by Adele. I think that maybe, Adele has had a quiet word with Paul to find a new home for the pigs. I would guess that her stables bulging with pig nuts, a scrap Discovery listing heavily in a newly created bog, a faulty electrical fence unable to contain the saddlebacks but worst of all a ruined family lawn at the height of summer may have something to do with ‘an eviction.”     

The laughter inevitably died down as David strolled in. “Hey mate, what’s this about your missus evicting the Doc, tearing a strip off Paul but moreover ejecting our pigs from Southpork?” asked Chris, diplomatically. 

Another useless programme of work

                                  Work Schedule August 01.08.07. Colin’s version.

I have by now written countless 'programmes of work: all of which have been totally ignored. Perhaps the power of Colin's pen may hold greater sway. I somehow doubt it.  

·      Set the car on stands to dry build: the wheels should be blocked at the correct height. Measure the chassis from the floor and replicate the other wheels. Space the body as required (4mm neoprene or similar between the chassis and the central tub).

·      Park the brake to adjust rear brakes. Measure the length of the cable required allowing for adjustment. Remove the corners from the tube.

·      Exhaust. Remove the primary pipes, alter the gasket and pipes as required, re-assemble.

·      Bumpers. With the exhaust in position fit the rear bumper using brackets provided by Morgan, fabricating as required. On the front, fit the body parts first and then make good the bracket, fabricate where necessary.

·      Radiator. Measure the radiator space, source the matrix, fabricate the mountings. Connect the hoses and filler.

·      Luggage Rack. Using Morgan brackets, fabricate as necessary. The spare wheel may be needed.

·      Spare Wheel Mount. Fabricate the mounting plate. A suggestion maybe to use 3+1 centre nuts. Fabricate from a second hand boot floor. Check the diameter of the floor ‘Top Hat’ with the dimension of the inner wheel.

·        Pedal Box. Remove the excess from the bulkhead to facilitate access. Fabricate the locating plate for the throttle cable and adjuster, modify the existing pedal and shrouds to the bulkhead. A suggestion here could be stainless steel mountings and plates.

·      Seat Belts. Source the required seatbelts. Sort out the mounting and fabricate.

·      Steering. Select the position of the wheel (the seat is required from Terry trim) taking into consideration the pedals, gear stick and hand brake. Source or fabricate the bulkhead and parcel shelf mounting to spread the strength. Split the shaft with a universal joint for a better position and break point.

·      Dashboard. Consider the instrumentation to be fitted and locate for ease of vision, touch for operating the switches and access for maintenance, using minimal fixing points, perhaps a retaining header, radius and cover. Sort out the proportion of leather to wood, explore the appropriate finish.

·      Transmission tunnel. Switches and covering should run through the final design and finish, remember to always consider the original lines within the car.

·      Tank. The tank could be mounted upon a rubber or fabric to reduce shock. A 90% hose to complete the filler point: a metal tube or fabricate as required.

·      Ignition. Could there be a concealed cut out for security?

·      Wipers. Without wipers will it be necessary to create some air flow over the screen?

·      Boot floor. Mark to the chassis before making a removable tray. Cut out the access hole above the rear spring centre mount. Cut a cover to fit, the holes should have radiused corners

·      Grill. Cut a grill back from MDF or similar to form a grill and fit to the nose cone. 

·      Inner engine panels. Aluminium fabricated at Catterall and Wood

·      Paint. Strip the car and prepare for primer. When the panels return with colour prep for the top coat, buff and re-assemble: touch up where necessary and buff. 

It is clear to me that there is a great deal of ‘fabrication’, which I presume Colin will be responsible for?