Fun in the Oak

At the Oak poker and darts games infused, just like fag smoke into the evening, this was interspersed by the usual free food offering from the Doc. Sausages brought from Claxton, Cumbria floating in a creamy mild Cheddar sauce, together with chunky cobs of  crusty bread, nourished the hungry sportsmen. 

Chris was accused of sartorial negligence, his chest sized keks coming in for corporate abuse, Cockney Mick spent the afternoon sitting on an inflatable rubber cushion, having had the ‘snip’ on Friday. But, Jo suspects an ulterior motive to that of ‘I’ve enough bloody kids anyway’, in that this will allow him to have even more sexual freedom in his favourite holiday destination, Pataya, the dirty Bastard. Lowtie basked in the glory of throwing the winning dart, Billy Green continued eating sausages exchanging music anecdotes with Carlos, the Hendrix clone. “Do you remember when Lemon and his missus pitched up for a gig at Gem’s looking like the ‘Posh and Becks’ of the folk world”, added Jimmy the Axe.

Time to go home.  

The Preacher has been quietly beavering away on a massive project of his own, that of ‘fitness guru and entrepreneur’. He is involved in well advanced negotiations with the local authority to purchase a semi-derelict Georgian building situated on the corner of Dicconson Street. He intends to convert the property into a gymnasium to include also a health food café. He requires 600 full members and possibly 200 off peak: £300.000 will buy the place, £40.000 for total refurb and £60.000 to fully furnish the gym. He hopes for professional business members early mornings, lunch and evening but needs to attract retired crinkly old choots, Benny Fitfraudsters, NEETS, soap dodging students reinforced by unmarried mothers during the day. 

His wife Carol, sister in law Betty will create the organic grub, take the cash and throw out the drunks. Steven will maintain his job as a ‘safety net’ in case the whole matter goes tits up, belly down, dead in the water. Watch this space. 

Pigs

Down at the Oak there has been movement on the pig venture, originally suggested in January: the project has been resurrected, not forgotten as I cynically suspected, Spring is here, their thoughts have drifted towards organic food, complementary agriculture, frugal self sufficiency, bartering and pigshit, perhaps bullshit? Last weekend saw the pig hut transported to a section of David’s land adjacent to the canal. Cockney Mick had constructed the ‘chalet’ in the beer garden of the pub. 

Made from 20mm cladding board it sits upon two industrial pallets having a cubic capacity of 12 metres standing 2 metres from the ground to the pitch of the roof. It has taken a full week to organise a vehicle to transport the pen up to the land. Whilst the ‘shed’ had remained empty during the past seven days the Doc has already evicted two winos, three illegal immigrants along with two teenagers dressed in pink rubber suits. So it was a relief for everyone concerned that Saturday the 24^th  at midday had been agreed for the re-siting of the construction. Knocker, Paul Higham, the big words contest winner, Andy Lewis, Preacher Steven, Jimmy the Axe and Still Waters lifted the beast onto a curtain sided Higham’s Florist van to journey the two miles to the pre-selected site. The chalet now stands like a rustic medieval edifice back dropped on it’s northern edge by a feudal, tousled copse, but it is encircled perfectly on it’s southern border by intermittently, spongy-green, wetland coarse reeds and grasses. 

The muddied victorious six returned to the Oak for a well earned breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, black pudding, plum tomatoes, beans and Bollinger. And so, by 12.45pm mission accomplished it had been celebrated as a success, the first stage of the operation enjoyably rewarded by the extended lunch. An electric fence was installed during the week, later it is planned that the roof of the pen will be camouflaged by fishing nets, finally, for the comfort of the inmates straw bales will be liberally scattered in the sleeping bays. “We are ready for pigs!” was the cry in the Oak on Friday night.       

Sunday morning found Jo and I wandering along the canal to witness for ourselves this mighty wooden apparition.

Sure enough we were not disappointed the structure is visible from at least two miles away emerging from the gentle rolling pastures like a brightly lit Mormon tabernacle. On closer inspection the chalet does not impose itself unduly on the landscape. But perhaps when copiously smothered in green paint and disguised by small shrubs the errant, hopeful pig farmers may possibly not lose their first litter to ‘Lower Ince Rustlers’ or ‘The notorious Pig Bandits of Skem’. 

Body facts

Fri.30.03.07. By the close of this week the project has progressed slowly and the month has somewhat stuttered to its conclusion. Lately, and understandably, Chris has been torn between his primary business, selling cars, as well as on the home front, re-designing his kitchen.

The project has taken a back seat to his other commitments but nevertheless we have experienced some notable highs over the past few weeks. In particular the problems that we had created by moving the engine have been rectified by making the necessary cuts in the tub to facilitate extra manoeuvrability, which, in turn, has assisted both the rear and front wings to be assembled in their correct positions. The lines of the car have been returned to their most perfect best. Important spaces, gaps, distances and comparable measurements are all well matched even harmonious. This has been achieved by fastidious, systematic adjustments using rack of eye, chain droppers and right-angled steel rules. The engine panels have also been provisionally screwed to the tub awaiting the ‘filling’ which will blend them seamlessly into the body. This additional dry build, although frustrating, is proving extremely important. The exercise continues to expose problems, but the alternative of all the panels being painted before this assembly would have been even more cataclysmic. If nothing else the awareness that this additional dry build has uncovered has also reinforced our determined obligation for detailed, supreme craftsmanship sustained by focussed planning.

During the week there have been other minor but vital developments. The new electronic distributor has arrived from H and H Ignition Solutions. It is a well engineered component which will increase the efficiency of the spark and may genuinely provide an extra 2 or 3 BHP. As usual there is a down side that comes with every delivery. Namely, the coil had suffered damage in transit, this will have to be returned; the other problem being that the dizzy cap is top loading instead of discharging from the side, this will also need to be changed. Irrespective of these hiccups, coming in at £115.00 this is a valuable item at a very competitive price. Since the wings now again sit perfectly on the car the lights, indicators and reflectors can be sited. The front wing bullet lights line up exactly to the centre of the wheel hub whilst the rear cluster of lights form a level plane on both the wings and the boot panel. The front indicators lie below the centre point of the headlamp on the lower edge of the wing. All of these fittings must be positioned accurately as the pre-drilled locating holes must be ‘spot on’ before the final paint has been applied. The new windscreen assembly brackets have been temporarily fitted but immediately appear to be a vast improvement upon the earlier tacked welding of Mark and Andy. The windscreen will again experience many test runs until it operates absolutely perfectly. The added strength of the ‘fixed’ screen should assist in this process. 

The smaller aero screen mounting brackets will be hidden under the seating rubber of the main screen allowing the two screen options to work independently. The dashboard centre has been completed, the blueprints for the console taken and measurements for the side panels concluded: the interior of the cockpit is progressing satisfactorily.     

Nonetheless, another ‘game’ plan, ‘programme of work’, will have to be drawn up for April. Perhaps this time we might take more notice of ‘proper’ procedure. Monkeys will definitely fly out of my butt

Tub problems

Fri.23.03.07. Ever since placing the tub on the rolling chassis yesterday many other ‘glitches’ have been exposed. The tub cannot be situated in the correct position unless drastic alterations are considered. Having moved the engine back a further two inches the front panel of the engine compartment now meets the bell housing, as a result the slave cylinder rests much too close blocking the bleed nipple preventing any adjustment. In fact, the tub is one inch short of its original location point. The inspection hatch for the rear leaf spring and the access adjustment for the handbrake mechanism are also out of line.

For several hours Chris had struggled with the assembly of the front wing because both the lateral and longitudinal planes were not compatible with the engine side panels or the bonnet. This subsequently meant that the outrigger brackets were ‘proud’, making it impossible to accurately align the front wings to the tub. By the time I arrived at Westmead his mood was dark because once again another beneficial modification had caused, potentially, enormous problems. The wings would not fit, the beautifully elegant flowing lines of the vehicle had been destroyed instantly, the image taking the form of an early cubist tableau by Georges Braque, the Burlington was again, through the eyes of Chris, very close to becoming a basket case, a fire damaged insurance claim, or even a revenge attack by a small, local psychotic madman with a lump hammer.

I attempted to offer some hope to this desperate situation by stating that, if back in September, the body work, wings, bonnet and tub had been in total harmony, logic should re-affirm this conclusion, in other words the same scenario should apply today. 

“What if we cut away sufficient of the offending obstructive material, perhaps that may allow the body tub to sit freely on the chassis, creating ample adjustment for all the components: this would also ensure that every other body panel should also fit precisely?” After a few moments of internalising, chin scratching, a little cog grinding my suggestion was preliminarily accepted. I also realised that far from being an engineering genius I was only regurgitating much of the analysis from the previous before, ‘déjà vu’, but of course I felt obliged not to mention that fact. I must be learning something.    

One year into the project

Fri.16.03.07. It is exactly one year to the day since we started the project. Neither of us would have believed that it would still be in progress. Mistakes have been made, predominantly with suppliers, but also regrettably in certain aspects of construction, However, the real cause for the delay has been the numerous improvements coupled with the modifications that have transformed the Burlington from a mere kit car into a genuinely well engineered vehicle. All the effort has been worthwhile, one final push should see the project concluded by early summer.

Meanwhile Chris has been positioning the ‘new’ handbrake mechanism: I have continued designing the dash.   

Thurs.22.03.07. The body tub has been placed onto the chassis followed later by the fitting of the rear wings. This again is an essential dry build to assess the extent of the alterations that will have to be made to both the chassis and the cockpit area. The tub has never previously been lifted onto the rolling chassis since the complete assembly of the drive train, particularly given that the engine had been mounted a further two inches back from the original position. Immediately, this has revealed a further but necessary number of alterations to permit this wide-ranging modification. The gearbox tunnel area needs to be widened to accommodate the slave cylinder as does the access aperture to the rear spring. The rear supporting chassis members require extra packing as they are now one inch further back from the rear panel. Mercifully, the exhaust silencers have been fitted with adjustable brackets allowing for forward, backward as well as vertical movement. So too, the rear bumper can also be located to trim and tidy the back end. Slotted lozenge shaped holes will be cut into the rear wings to facilitate sufficient subtle adjustments when the final assembly takes place. 

In the meantime, I have continued to work on the design and construction of the internal cockpit areas, the dashboard, the rear boot box, the gearbox, handbrake covers and the false door panels. Chris plans to fit the handbrake mechanism, assemble the pedal box and mount the master cylinders.

Dick, the spy

Mon.12.03.07. Colin has constructed the complete exhaust system. He has cut and welded sections of stainless steel pipe around the petrol tank so that both tail pipes emerge below the boot area. Several brackets to hold the system to the chassis need to be fabricated but the complications of routing through the chassis have been successfully overcome. It is another additional, exclusive and finely crafted piece of work.

Towards the end of the day I delivered the springs from Andy of Gaskells, which, for the moment, will be stored until the car has been further built up. A second fitting for the dashboard has convinced both Chris and I that the ‘recessed’ version will be the premier choice.

I feel confident that the project is back on track and perhaps, for the first time, there is definite logic along with sound method to our approach.                   

Dick has decided to find a proper job. With his adventures trading in the ‘internet’ failing miserably together with his reluctance to return to the spanners he has been encouraged to pursue a quite different career. He has applied to MI5 for a position in surveillance. He has completed and submitted the forms for the personnel department. He has undergone the primary interview and awaits his call for the second. “Bloody hell, they asked all sorts of private stuff: was I married, if not why not, had I had a relationship with a man, a woman or a beast in the last 10 years? Did I have a preference for little boys or girls, extremely old men or women? I know that I am beyond suspicion because I have not had any sort of relationship at all, never, de nada, rien, zip, jamais. They continued to probe about my immediate family; did I know of anyone who has a criminal background, belonged to a politically extreme group, subscribed to ‘Private Eye’ magazine, or wrote accusing letters to the local council? I was safe with that one as well since most of my relatives can’t read or write, the closest they would ever get to politics would be to vote for the next concert secretary at Lower Addlington Workingmen’s club. 

But, I am still baffled by his final questions. Why on earth would he want to know where I do my shopping? Am I an ‘Aldi’ or a ‘Tesco’ loyalty rewarded customer, am I ‘Primark’ or ‘Debenhams’ man? but then with his face fixed so close that our eyeballs were touching he asked was I a ‘Wickes’ or ‘Band Q’ person? Neither, clever bollocks, I quickly replied, my mother does all the buying because she is the only one with any money! But I suppose, thinking about it carefully, they need to know all that stuff just because you may be vulnerable for blackmail. I am perfect for the job because I tick all their boxes, I can’t wait to start!” Dick then explained that the job entailed close observation of people in everyday situations such as in the workplace or perhaps shopping. “It’s very tricky, I need to look at CCTV screens to see if anybody is up to mischief, particularly at night when most places are closed. If there is an intruder I need to call back to HQ dragging out the big boys.” Chris then asked the obvious question, “Are you sure you have applied to MI5 and not as a security guard at MFI?” 

Dashboard plans

Fri.09.03.07. I have plotted out the arrangement of the clocks on the MDF dashboard model, using a grid pattern to fix the precise position of the instruments. The decision for these locations was determined by applying the ‘Fibonacci’ series of numbers as an aid to ‘proportion’. The ratios of 1,1,2,3,5,8,13 formed the basis of the spacings but I also calculated that each clock would require a 5mm ring to accommodate the bezel. The glove box and the actual position of the timepiece can be incorporated later when the final location for the switches has been resolved. Later, on Saturday, during a visit to Savoy Timbers, I purchased another piece of MDF for the ‘cut down’ version of the model plus a hole cutting kit. The graded sizes of the blades will enable various sizes of apertures to be accurately cut to accommodate the instruments. The two test dashboards have now been constructed then drilled. A large 102mm for the tacho, similar for the practical 3 functional 13/60 clock, a 90mm rev counter circle and three 60mm holes for water temperature, a dual oil, water pressure gauge and, finally a vacuum gauge. I intend to experiment with both designs until the favoured composition emerges.

In addition, during the morning, I returned to the Thunderdome to collect the ‘Dolly’ springs that Andy of Gaskell Motors had promised. I wasn’t disappointed: the springs are 12 inches long but appear to be very soft. Andy also gave me a front spring and damper which is indeed much shorter but possibly as soft. Conceivably, Max may have mixed up his front from his rear or his arse from his elbow but again it will be one of those trial and error moments

Unique Colin

Thurs.08.03.07. Colin has spent most of the morning fitting the front section of the exhaust. From the manifold he has fashioned 4 cuts that permit the system to weave through the box section of the chassis. At each joint it was necessary to cut then twist the stainless steel pipe meticulously so that the two twin down pipes merged into one horizontal central big bore exhaust that would run exactly parallel with spider section of the chassis. The rear silencer boxes will be located either side of the fuel tank: to achieve this end the pipes had to be cut at the “V” junction. Two new straight lengths of stainless will be formed to join the final part of the system together. The entire system has been exclusively, precisely and carefully created by Colin, to add yet another unique, well crafted piece of engineering to the car.

During the afternoon I recalled our eventful visit, last year, to JJ Bullens yard, also known as the Thunderdome, where we met Crazy Dave the eccentric sandblaster. Leaving the “Dome” with the freshly scrubbed chassis I noticed a large garage outside of which there were several Dolomite Sprints. This could be the answer to the search for the perfect front spring. According to Max the rear spring of a ‘Dolly’ is 10 inches in free length and 95 lbs of pressure, which should be quite close to perfect for the Burlington. Before reporting for duty at Westmead I decided to pay a visit to the garage to see if my memory was not playing ‘craft’ games. I met the young proprietor, Andy, who helpfully, searched for the springs in his mini scrap heap of used parts. We were unsuccessful, but he has promised to find a set by Saturday morning. We might be lucky?

The rest of the day was usefully spent re-designing the dashboard. The MDF model fits reasonably well onto the scuttle but as an alternative I shall produce a cardboard maquette that can be positioned inside rather than, like the original dashboard located externally. Apart from not appearing over large and clumsy, another advantage of this method would be access. The complete board could be easily removed to facilitate any future repair work. The surrounding edges could be fashioned as padded protective areas bound in leather to improve safety but also to create a contrast to the ‘hardwood’ of the instrument panel.  

Another day at Life's

I have had, along with Jo, a very agreeable morning at Life’s Motors in Southport. I have acquired a used stainless steel boot rack and two rubber gaskets upon which the windscreen brackets will be mounted (£55.00). John, greeting us with a smile, has returned to work after his accident in Germany with the invariable content attitude of a man totally happy with his lot.

Jo snapped away with the camera grabbing details that we may have missed on previous visits but also marvelling at the sheer beauty of the stunning 4/4s that filled the showroom. Allowing us to leave the car whilst we strolled down sun drenched Lord Street Jo commented, “They are all so friendly and pleasant in there: why should that be?” “I suppose if I was working in a centrally heated, spotlessly clean environment on a uniquely British vehicle dealing only with ‘proper’ customers, I think that I might be as comfortable as John and Graham. They have never suffered tyre kickers, penniless skankies demanding free insurance and road tax: the only people that pass through the door would be cast iron, genuine folk” I self-righteously replied. 

Returning to the garage I collected my swag, exchanged tales of biking on French roads together with our future desire to fly fish the best waters in the UK. It is a certainty that a brief visit to Life’s Motors lift’s the spirits. I haven’t yet thought of what might be the opposite notion of the ‘fuck off’ bin but unquestionably John and Graham would be founder members of this rare club. It must be the perception of ‘heritage’ and all of the baggage that lies within that thought, selling a product that many people would endeavour to attain, or simply being surrounded by handsome, distinctive typically eccentric British designed craftsmanship that underpins this snug mindset. But…….

The afternoon revealed yet another problem. Chris, during the morning had assembled the front suspension but to his horror had realised that the ride height was two inches greater than that was acceptable. Earlier in the week we had travelled to Blackburn on the pretext of dropping off some ‘docs’ to Warren of Whitegates Motors. 

Coincidentally, one of his mechanics had recently restored a Triumph Herald convertible. This was an opportunity to check the measurements of a former production vehicle: although heavier, there should be comparisons with that of the Burlington. I managed to scribble down a variety of chassis to floor heights. From the central box section chassis to the floor was 6.5 inches, from the outrigger to the floor being 7.5. The length of the compressed springs was 8 inches containing 9 coils. The position of the engine was a standard emplacement, the oil filter being located directly above the turret. Chris had discovered when using the original Spitfire springs the Burlington was riding far too high. As a result the car would not only handle badly but would be invariably, aesthetically unpleasant. His frustration had boiled over when I arrived at the workshop, the by now, the familiar, wounded pained expression was instantly recognizable. Having dismantled the old damper and spring Chris became convinced that the Spax option would not be suitable unless it was re-formed with traditional Triumph spring plates: this would be a huge undertaking in itself involving the stripping down of the new to add the old.

In all the self induced panic I had forgotten the advice offered by Max. “You got to chop ‘em down, build the car around them, suck it and see then test it on the road!” Simple, bluntly succinct, but correct. So, we cut the springs down to 10.47 inches, as recommended in the workshop manual as the free length of Triumph competition springs. The units were then assembled, cautiously fitted to the turrets: ‘bingo’ the ride height was immediately reduced; the damper was also operating perfectly. With some minor adjustments to the shims on the lower wishbone the wheels should stand entirely upright, the chassis should sit level and at the proper height. Problem solved, without tears.  

Cooking with the Doc

It is a notable attribute of the Oak that there must always be some form of banal gambling that rumbles on for days, often weeks, whether it is the colour of the tie of the next visitor to the pub or how long it will be before the next drop of rain falls in the beer garden. The Landlord has finally called Chris’s bluff regarding “Cooking with the Doc’s Wok”. Contraband wholesale beef continues being peddled in the Oak along with other foodstuffs, which are usually donated by customers returning from their foreign travels. 

According to Chris the last side of sirloin proved to be tasteless, tough as well as impossibly inedible. Rising to the challenge Doc claims not only to prove that even the worst meat can be, if carefully prepared, properly cooked in such a way,  it is not only palatable but could be quite delicious, more significantly, that even the dumbest ‘kitchen numpty’ could actually produce the ‘said meal’. “Believe me, the only way is to boil it to buggery then feed it to the pigs, trust me, it can’t be done, listen, listen nobody could make ‘that lump of meat’ tasty, not even that Gordon friggin’ Ramsey!”

After the darts match the table was prepared. With Doc’s wok smoking, the vege cut, carefully readied. Chris was requested to step up to the culinary ‘ocky’. Cheered on by the members of the vault the meat was added with a sizzle, quickly placed to one side whilst the diced strips of mixed Chinese vegetables popped and hissed in the Wok. Mastering the correct stirring action with spectacles steamed sporadically spattered Chris had successfully presented “Stir fried beef in ginger sauce” together with “Sweet and sour beef with bean sprouts” to the applauding members of  the pub. He had proved himself completely wrong, but had put a huge smile on his own face. Naturally, inquisitive Chris requested the recipe from Doc.

 Beef with Ginger

·      Cut the beef into bite size, manageable pieces and marinade overnight with oil, garlic, ginger, red wine vinegar, lime juice and light soy sauce.

·      Prepare the chosen vegetables by cutting into comparable strips or cubes.

·      When ready to cook ensure the oil is smoking hot and then add the beef for approximately 30 seconds, adding some of the liquor from the marinade.

·      Remove the meat from the pan and gradually add the chopped onions and vege: the toughest first.

·      Re-introduce the meat stirring constantly; present on a warm flat and “voila”  

 Sweet and Sour beef.

·      The strips of beef are marinated in garlic, chilli, sugar, red wine vinegar, tomato paste and lime juice.

·      Use the same cooking method as above.

·      Not rocket science, but excellent fayre on a winter’s Sunday evening in your favourite pub. 

By Wednesday Katie still has not dropped the child I also suspect Danny is becoming a little concerned but he is not showing too much anxiety. But by 9.00pm the child was born 7lbs 3ozs. It is a small boy.

Poker, Darts and BS

Weds.07.03.07. The weekend has passed with the usual muddled chaos at the Oak. Seven card Poker is the latest nocturnal activity with ‘Still waters’, Danny, bagging the £150.00 pot at 4.30am on Saturday morning, the knockout championship darts match is now in its fifth week with the honours being shared; the magnificent silver cup with the onyx base has not yet been claimed by either team, Chris has had a wok lesson from the Doc and Katie Brennan has still not pupped.

The marathon poker game was attended by Tracey’s Alan, Cockney Mick, Shaggy ‘Still Waters’, Ashey and the Doc. The basic premise of the game is that everyone throws £30.00 into the pot after which each contestant is given the same amount of chips. The last ‘dead man walking’ claims the entire wedge. Foxy ‘Still Waters’ Danny with equal amounts of dogged determination in addition to purposeful endurance, significantly also being, probably the least pissed, walked away with the big prize. The darts match is uniformly mind numbing. Lowtie and Chris are in a constant state of mutual competitiveness whether it is driven by historical truth or fiction,  their diversely opposite opinionated views of modern culture, or their misunderstanding of global politics, are always in a continuous state of ‘agreeing to disagree’. This is the background of the Sunday afternoon darts match, which is scheduled to commence at 5.30, with two teams of three, comprising of one game of 501.

Every conceivable foul trick is employed by both sides in an attempt to distract the thrower: the ‘ocky’ becomes the bunker, the stocks, running the gauntlet, stepping up to throw can be likened to being beaten with strips of wet birch wood. Even with the protection of a plastic bubble the relentless jibing taunts effortlessly puncture the flimsy sanctuary. Each game usually lasting at least one hour concludes with both teams chasing ‘double one’. The silver cup is then paraded back to Roy castle corner, each victorious team accusing the other of ‘bad form’ or just plain cheating, interspersed by you ‘rogin’ josh’, Lowtie. 

Sound Information

Returning to Westmead with the new parts but, more importantly with the Max’s answer to our latest problem, Chris greeted me with the exact same solution that had been proposed by Neil of “Sheffield Springs”, who, incidentally, can also fabricate a brand new set of springs after being given our particular specification: but not until we have experimented with various possibilities and are in a position to propose the correct configuration. Chris had also fitted the rear spring raising block, purchased for £40.00 from that fucker Mark of “Jigsaw Racing.” Fortunately, the ridiculously expensive component has proved to be better than perfect. Chris earlier had an enlightening, productive conversation with Phil of “Ignition Solutions” who had convinced him simply by old-fashioned ‘time served’ experience that we were ordering the best product that money could buy. The day has panned out nicely. Chris may enjoy a few Stella moments tonight.  

Spring Issues

Fri.02.03.07. The difficult question of the weight of the front spring has dominated the day. An early conversation with Tony of Spax re-affirmed the possibility of changing both the lower platform in as well as the size of the spring; the main problem being that the upper retaining cap would need to be compatible in size to enable the top of the unit to be securely fastened to the turret. Again, he refused to suggest the correct weight that would be suitable; that remains our decision. 

With a break in the day I travelled over to Chester to collect the order from Paddocks. John could not shed any more light on the problem of spring size but offered the phone number of the actual company that produces all their Triumph springs, namely South Yorkshire springs on 01709 375 375, but also added that I should speak to Max, Totally Triumph, who could definitely recommend a solution. Coincidentally Chris, during the afternoon, had received a return call from Spax who also gave him a number of a spring manufacturer; Neil of Sheffield Springs 01142 758 573.

Because John could not supply the missing dynamo pulley and fan, there became another viable reason for a visit to Max in order to purchase these small but vital parts. Journeying back along the M58 I began to concoct the most fitting approach to tackle Max: how best to ask his opinion regarding the weight and size of front spring without appearing totally ignorant or arrogantly smart. I would guess that either or both of these approaches would always brand every customer, through the eyes of Max. I found him in his usual corner of the workshop sporting his characteristic string vest huddled over a Mk2 Spitfire that he had rescued some years before from a barn in Warrington. I, of course complimented him upon his craftsmanship before requesting the parts that on the surface appeared to be the prime reason for the visit. 

After deciding that the engine in the Burlington was prefixed by GK he dragged an old dynamo from the shelf then with my hesitant assistance he bludgeoned, butchered and battered the pulley and fan from the rusting dynamo. “Hold it straight whilst I chisel it off, don’t be worried I’ve done this many times before, I have only ever lost one finger nail!” After a few grunts accompanied by thunderous farts, which Max blamed upon his medication, the bits were levered away. I passed over a fiver, the deal was complete. “I just need a little advice regarding the front springs on the car; do you think we should go lighter or heavier?” “You’ve got to go lighter; otherwise the car will bounce across the road on any uneven surface. With very little natural weight on the front of the car you really must have a 10-inch free length spring reducing to, about, 7 and a half. The way to achieve this is to use your existing old springs, then, cut them down to the size that you feel is appropriate for the best ride. If you could find some old ‘Dolly’ rear springs they would be perfect. They are 10 inch with a loading of 95 lbs; they would be an ideal starting point. Build up the car and keep chopping off the old spring until you are happy with the ride. One of the biggest mistakes amateur kitcar builders make stems from over weighted springs. The car is too light, the springs to heavy, the result is dreadful handling but moreover a shite ride, that’s why most kitcars are crap and are worth fuck all!” As usual Max was forthright plus ‘very pertinent and relevant’. “Mind you, it has been suggested that it would be better to have a stronger spring thus avoiding ‘nose dive’ as well as ‘sloppy handling”, I tentatively offered.

 “Who the fuck told you that load of bollocks!” snapped Max. “It was a guy called Mark of Jigsaw Racing, he seemed quite knowledgeable?” I meekly and apologetically replied. Max immediately transformed into the green bulbous ‘Hulk’ he often becomes when aroused. “That dumb egotistical bastard, he knows fuck all about road cars. All he wants is to sell you his over priced racing stuff, which is absolutely useless on normal roads. He’s a right fucker, worst of all, bloody dangerous, he’d have you killed with those heavy springs. The first pot hole, damage to the road, even a small piece of debris would throw the car into the gutter, ‘curtains’ for you and the car; what a wanker!” Max, in his own special way, has certainly cleared up the debate about softer or stiffer springs. Not long after his ‘rant’ his ‘downers’ kicked in, he did eventually return to relative calm before posing a question about our rebuild. 

“I’ll tell you what I think: that customer of yours has got more money than sense. Having you pitifully inexperienced guys build the car using a blank chequebook, buying all the best gear what's more taking so fucking long to do it, he must be one hell of an extravagant, profligate bastard. Kitcars are not worth a wank when they are finished. I wouldn’t mind a few customers like him, the wasteful, lazy tosser!” I defended our feckless patron by informing Max that it was a truly very special, unique vehicle, also, this particular client had luckily experienced an exceptional 18 months of extremely successful financial investments within a growing bullish market. “He’s still a fucking wanker” replied the ever blunt Max. 

Shockers

                                           Burlington Diary March 2007

Thurs.01.03.07. I have spoken to Tony of Spax UK regarding the shockers that were provided by Paddocks. The parts numbers of the adjustable dampers G761 is the correct unit for use on a Triumph car furthermore the platform will accommodate a 2.5 ID spring. The alternatives that we could use involve cutting off the existing platform and using a 1.9 ID spring directly onto the galvanised adjusters or Spax could supply a 2.25 adaptor which would then accommodate a 2.25 spring. Tony was unable to offer any advice regarding the stiffness of the spring because it would then commit the company to positive or negative advice, ‘there would be liability issues’. 

Should there be future problems they would then become responsible for potential health and safety difficulties. Regarding the ‘in car’ adjustment of the shocks, Tony explained that it was necessary to raise the car off the floor to relieve the pressure on the suspension before attempting any changes to ride height. At least, we have been supplied with the correct dampers but there needs to be further research as to whether we opt for a stronger or weaker spring. I later telephoned Neil of ‘Avo’ shocks who also would not suggest the ‘best’ spring to use but he did recommend Mark of ‘Jigsaw’ and claimed that ‘he does know his stuff’. The plot thickens.Tomorrow I plan a visit to Paddocks to collect the extra mid section stainless steel exhaust pipes, so that Colin can complete the build of the system. Other items, such as rubber dust covers for the rear drum brakes, a fan belt, spark plugs, a set of nuts and bolts for the bell housing will also fill the shopping basket.

H and H ignition solutions of Dudley will accept an order for the electronic distributor and coil; once I have sent them a written request on VAT registered note paper. 

The total cost will be £115.00, which, of course, sounds too cheap and could be another bag of shite that we have been accustomed to receiving throughout the project

More loose ends

This morning having rummaged through the sack of promotional material that I had previously painstakingly ‘trawled’ whilst at the ‘Stoneleigh show’. I came across a leaflet describing a small company that designs then manufactures all kinds of ignition systems. Given that one of my tasks today was to approach either ‘Europa’ or ‘SC Parts’ with a view to purchasing the ‘123’ multipurpose electronic system at £185.00 it seemed logical to call ‘Ignition Solutions’ to formally request their specifications regarding a manual or a completely electronic system. 

During the conversation they suggested that their product is far superior to that of the German based ‘123’ unit, for several reasons. Their product focuses upon one model for individual cars being constructed solely for that unique purpose, because of this they claim to create a stronger more efficient spark from the type 45 D4 distributor. They also provide a compatible coil with advanced specifications, if required. Contrary, the German alternative it has 16 preset curves which cover too many engine types therefore cannot return an exact advance and retard setting; it is a Jack of all trades but master of none ‘unit’, essentially it is not specific for the model. This purpose built unit can be retailed at £185.00 but sold within the trade is only £115.00. This is good news but again the deal will have to go to committee for approval. Phil, of ‘Ignition Solutions’, will be at the Show at the end of the month if we need any more information. Fuck me, its Stoneleigh again at the end of March, unfuckingbelievable. 

I reluctantly had to speak to Rimmers to order a Spitfire catalogue having previously vowed never to communicate with the fuckwits ever again. It is a real toss up as to who is deeper in the ‘fuck off bin’. Rimmer Brothers or Thailand.

‘Young Danny’ the painter is ready for more work having only the flatting to complete on the bonnet half and front wing. He remains keen consistently producing good work. He would prefer to paint the body tub at the Westmead workshop, using a ‘roller’. This could be the solution that we have been looking for. The body tub and engine panels need not to be moved causing potential damage; the garage does not necessarily need to be spotlessly clean crucially the operation may possibly be totally odourless.

Terry Trimmer has finally dedicated a portion of time to the task of covering the seats. He promises to start the work in the next two weeks. We shall see?

All that remains is for me to scribble down the definitive ‘Programme of work’ and prepare for March 2007. This could be a BIG month.       

A new beginning

Burlington Diary February 2007

Weds.28.02.07. This is the final day of February and after an encouraging reflective meeting yesterday with Chris, we both intend to restart the project in earnest over the next month. I can lay much of the blame for this lethargy firmly at my door. I cannot expect to jolly off to Dubai and Thailand for nearly 6 weeks and expect everything to push on at a pace. The forthcoming months must have direction, targets must be met: we are after all at the wonderful stage of ‘rebuild’, a moment that we have grafted long and hard to achieve.

The plan from Thursday is to write up another ‘programme of work’ which we “must stick to, this time!” because in the past “I have not been paying attention!” and “I must strive to become more organised, forceful, determined in particular get on t’internet!” I have consequently spent the entire morning on the phone catching up with previous and present suppliers, together with verifying the progress of many of the peripheral aspects of the project.

Jigsaw racing will supply the aluminium spacing block as well as the four extended plugs to modify the rear leaf spring to lower the overall ride creating the required, negative camber on the rear wheels: all this for £40.00. I also posed the question to Mark of Jigsaw, regarding our concerns on the subject of the Spax adjustable platform shockers, possibly their incompatibility with standard Spitfire road springs. His advice is the complete opposite of the logic of ‘softer, shorter’ to retain a low ride height. His hypothesis is that a much stronger yet shorter spring is the proven method to maintain the correct road height but also to produce improved  sensitive steering. The company produce the perfect 330lb. spring with a 9.5 inch ‘free length’ compressed down to an 8 inch ‘operating length’. They have a 2.5 inch inner dimension; again, this would be ideal for the Spax shockers, the flat end of the spring hugging the dome of the lower platform. This ‘harder, shorter’ spring should prevent the ‘nose diving effect’ that a softer spring would endorse. This concept is totally alien to that of Chris and Colin’s thinking, who are convinced that the way forward is to search out a ‘softer, lighter’ 100 lb. spring. 

Mark reminded me also, that the adjustable aspect of the Spax shocker is quite useless, as the mechanism can only be altered when the suspension unit is off the car, stating that, “It is impossible to alter the settings whilst on the car, that’s why I don’t sell them anymore; most people recognise the need to fine tune the suspension settings whilst in situ and not when the unit has been removed from the car”. I suggested that Chris should speak to Mark personally so that he could explain in more detail his thoughts about the correct ‘spring loading’. That should be fun! 

It's a funny old world

Just before we left for our latest Asian adventure whilst in the Oak, Chris was horrified to discover that the current Head of Parks and Leisure in Wigan, Roger Hill, at no mean expense, had booked Haigh Hall for his wedding next August. He is to marry his long-term partner ‘Harold’ in a lavish ceremony. I suppose that puts another twist to the term ‘pushing a lawnmower up a Hill’. Anyway, on the 11^th I am off on my holidays to Dubai and Thailand. I shall probably bring back a Bangkok ladyboy for Roger as an extra wedding gift as I have been dependably informed that virtually any gender or persuasion can be bought at any price. We shall see?

The trip, obviously, has no bearing on our project what so ever but it is difficult for me not to mention at least, my impressions of a wonderfully, beautiful landscaped paradise that is mostly inhabited by ungrateful, deceitful weasels who falsely promote a perpetual smile whilst at the same time are ‘fucking you right over’. The indigenous population is innately corrupt but not merely satisfied with that title they also seem to insist upon encouraging grey faced, sad, degenerate Billies to come over to actively engage in abominable perverted sexual acts with their young girls and boys. I, naturally, at first assumed that these seedy, creepy loners were entirely British but I fortunately, later discovered that most of these Caucasian males hailed from many parts of the globe. Thank fuck for that, I now realise that we don’t have a monopoly on deviant behaviour. Bangkok city is probably the biggest shithole in the world, perhaps apart from the Skytrain should be put to the torch to be totally rebuilt as a prison to house the world’s population of grubby low life scum. 

Thailand is firmly in the ‘fuck off bin’ along with Rimmer brothers.

                    

Clever exhaust

Mon.08.01.07. The old wheels have been bolted to the hubs and the chassis dropped to floor. This will enable the tracking as well as cast and camber to be rectified. Throughout January, whilst I have been journeying throughout Asia and Dubai, Chris has continued to enjoy the project. One suspension problem after another has been resolved enabling the car to sit perfectly straight and level.

The stage 2 head has been torqued into position along with many of the engine auxiliaries: the starter motor, alternator and water pump. The routing of exhaust system has proved to be biggest headache. Colin has once more been co-opted to determine the how best to reform the mixture of stainless steel exhaust pipe. The repositioning of the engine has thrown up yet another difficulty regarding the feasibility of fitting the manifold to the head. The manifold exhaust sections have had to be re-designed, re-cut and re-modelled so as to skirt the main tub as well as the box section of the central chassis. The single mid sectioned pipe will now split before the rear leaf spring suspension to accommodate the twin silencers which will now emerge either side of the petrol tank appearing externally on the outer edges of the of the inner rear wings. This will be the premier route of the exhaust, which should not interfere with the location of the petrol tank or necessitate chopping the bulkhead of the tub. Colin has been quite determined not to compromise his initial design of the system and, as before, his methodology will prove the only and correct approach. The eventual outcome will be worth the extra effort.

I have returned mid February, from my travels, to witness much of the technical details resolved. The careful measuring, balancing and alignment that I am totally ignorant of has been completed. I recall when I first made the car I simply demolished a Triumph 1360 estate, stripped down a rotting chassis, had an engine and gearbox rebuilt, bolted on a timber, alloy and fibreglass kit to an existing rolling. I lined up the body tub with my eye and bolted it down to the reclaimed box section, fixed the wings and nosecone, threw in some seats then finally, had the car painted. I was over the moon with my achievement, certainly proud of my resolve; I ran the car for nine years steeped in ignorant bliss without even the slightest knowledge about cast and camber, suspension tolerances or roadworthiness. It was quite a cute and unique toy that I had made, I was very content. My only genuine consideration was that if Triumph had spent millions of pounds developing an independent vehicle chassis plus a bolt on drive train. Therefore, to accept the premise that if their own body design was removed any other rigid body could replace the original without any major handling differences was facile logic. Anyway, the Burlington had been the brain child of an eccentric genius, Hadyn Davies, so it must be okay.
Knowing what I know now, and only what I have picked up from Chris and Colin over the previous year, the car would have been a long way from being the perfect little honey that I always imagined it to be. But, there is no doubt in my mind that this time around it will be.