Unbelievable progress

Fri.29.05.09. Throughout the night the trim had dried ensuring that the leather was firmly bound to the hose. At either end was sufficient rubber to enable both joints to be butted tight to the existing trim.

Colin had arrived at the workshop to accurately measure how level the car was standing. By calculating the angle of the drop of the wheels he could determine the preferred amount of camber on the rear wheels. This exercise exposed an over acute angle at the rear wheels, which must be amended. Each corner of the chassis was within 2mm of being square but the rear wheel arch was 15mm lower than the front. His findings revealed that the front suspension should be lowered whilst the rear lifted. A balance between the two must be achieved. 

The front of the car can be lowered by adjusting the height of the spring platforms but to raise the rear of the car it was necessary to remove ‘road race’ leaf spring block of 16mm and replace the unit with the original ‘Hadyn Davies’ 8mm block. Once replaced the vehicle lifted to a more suitable clearance level of 14cms as opposed to 10cms when the ‘racing’ block was fitted. Until the front platforms can be adjusted by using a ‘C’ spanner the ‘true’ density of the rear block cannot be accurately calculated. The ‘race’ block can then be cut down to the appropriate depth by Catterall and Wood to be fitted later into the car. The ‘race’ block has been machined to a greater standard than that of Haydn’s’ having a recessed floor and a raised top both of which ‘faces’ fit snugly over the spring, preventing lateral or vertical movement. A middle section can be cut leaving the remaining two halves with the correct profiles: both of which can then be integrated into the suspension assembly.

After the good news comes the bad, in the form of a slight accident when Chris tumbled out the car landing squarely on the boot box, which now lies as a pile of matchwood in the corner of the workshop. Bummer.

Sat.30.05.09. The top coat of the boot lining has been replaced by another piece of plywood, 4mm x 55cm x 86.5cm, glued, screwed and painted. Not a big issue so get on with it. 

Sun.31.05.09. The Tatton Park Classic car and auto jumble occurred this weekend. It has been a very hot beautiful day, the place was packed. Speaking to the guys on the Triumph owner’s club stand most were in favour of ‘minilite’ as opposed to ‘wire’ wheels. 

The constant maintenance in the form of tightening the spoke nuts, the endless cleaning, possibility of only 13inch size along with potential poor provenance are the considerable factors against wire wheels. The sturdy period design, minimal maintenance, various available sizes and guaranteed build quality favour the minilites: end of debate!

I managed to purchase a bracket to mount the flasher unit but failed to find a ‘C’ spanner with the appropriate 90 degree upturned lugs. But tomorrow is another day as well as another month.

A momentous day!

Thurs.28.05.09. The clumsy attempts to weld the extra length of hose to the existing failed miserably. There was little choice but to purchase another section of pipe to re-start the exercise. Using brush steels to open the robust hose enabled the leather to be glued in position without having to wrestle with the natural ‘coiling’ motion. The outer flaps were then glued to the interior of the hose. Now that does sound like one of Cockney Mick’s sexual predilections.

Meanwhile at Westmead, much more momentous deeds were being performed. Colin had visited in the morning to assist with bleeding the brakes, since the re-build of the callipers. Once the wheels had been fitted the car was then dropped from the axle stands to test the ‘springing’ at each corner. Because of the racing standard ‘counter camber’ block on the rear the car stood very low, offering only 4inches of  clearance, whilst at the front of the vehicle there is sufficient movement in the adjustable spring platform  to achieve a level height. The lower profile encourages a much more aggressive appearance, certainly very different from the original posture. Whether this is at all practical remains to be seen, but for now it is planned to lower the front to correspond with the rear before any conclusive decision is made.

In the afternoon a visit from Dick prompted an even bolder statement. “Let’s run the car up the street to see how she settles!” Which is precisely what happened. 

With Dick at the helm Burlington 001 carefully manoeuvred out of the workshop and then slowly plodded up Westmead. The car has never moved under it’s own steam for thirty years. This has been a very special day. There were smiles all round: Dick claimed that gear changes were exceptionally smooth, the car felt tight, responsive extremely sure. It must be time to open a tin of Chunks: I was beginning to think that this day would never happen.  

Goods delivered

Weds.27.05.09. I proudly delivered the swag from yesterdays shopping spree. Everything was greeted with refreshing approval, especially the re-assembled front ‘Doli’ springs. The next task was to purchase the replacement decorative hose that forms the trim around the cockpit of the car. Hosetech’ supplied the previous 4.75 metres of ‘reinforced fire engine’ hose for £2.45 per metre, but today’s price was an astonishing £9.87. Worst was still to come as in my haste I managed to cut the pipe too short: remember always ‘measure twice, cut once? Haste makes waste! I faced the music in the afternoon when the piece was delivered to Westmead for the fitting. Sure enough it was short by 4cms. 

The possible solution could be to ‘rubber weld’ an extension to make up the shortfall: more than just ‘sexual predilections’ this operation could save a further £22.00.

The car glows magnificently: I had forgotten over the past three months how elegant the vehicle stands. I had suspected little or no work had been concluded but I could not have been more incorrect. Apart from today’s labours, re-building the callipers, fitting the new front suspension units the previous months have seen even more development. Obviously the engine has been re-installed, still sounding wonderfully aggressive, the dash has had to be removed again just to fix the loose three way light switch, the new bonnet hinge together with the spring loaded locks and striking Burlington badge have been attached, the seat rails re-modelled to ensure greater solidity, the boot rack, wheel ‘docking’ system are both in place, but, more significantly, the multitude of minor tweaks, slight re-routing, final securing’s, gently soothing and caressing all complete the sum, but are similarly illusively difficult to record. In short, the vehicle is so very close to completion.  

Another shopping list

Tues.26.05.09. Clutching the latest shopping list the route to James Paddock had changed due to recent road developments around Queensferry but nevertheless I still managed to locate the offices, if nothing else by sheer good luck. The varied list of super synthetic brake fluid, pistons for the callipers along with the fitting kit, replacement cowling shrouds and the inevitable nuts and bolts came to a grand total of £83.42. an exorbitant amount for seemingly insignificant materials, all of which I had, incidentally, already purchased two years ago. But the discomfort of pissing even more money away re-buying earlier stock was lifted after a visit to ‘eccentric Max’. He produced the ‘Doli’ springs which at first sight ‘perhaps may’ solve the endless saga of the front springs. He suggested that he should fit them, which he duly did. He had, over the years, crafted a spring tensioning contraption that was gripped in a vice. Using the power of each turn to compress the spring the assembly with the Spax shocker was effortlessly completed. 

Once in place the necessary nuts could be tightened comfortably securing the unit impeccably. An exchange of the original springs, which Max suggested may be at least 400lbs!!! then took place, together with one ten pound note. Decisively, we have at last ‘won one’. Max was more than pleased because he can now replace his battered trailer springs, but more importantly I may just have a gallon of ‘Stella’ and open a tin of Chunks to celebrate this momentous breakthrough.

There doesn’t now seem to be anymore setbacks. All of the problems on the ‘snaglist’ have been addressed. Given the news from today Chris has begun to smile again, he has another box of stock to assemble then fit, thankfully solving the final minor irritating difficulties. Only the inspection at the DVLA could rain on our parade. 

Problems home and away

                                        Burlington Diary May 2009

Mon.25.05.09. Life can be such a ‘shit butty’. I have returned from France having sold the house in Tarascon after a serious amount of aggressive, bullying tactics from a particular nasty agent who was hopping mad about not winning the deal. Threats from both agents, their manager, the client, a vitriolic demand for compensation of 14000 euros in addition to a three page document from Parisian avocat attempted to block the outcome. We have had four weeks of fucking torture. We are still not sure that the matter has been positively resolved.

So, it was no surprise to find that the final touches to the Burlington have not run smoothly. There is yet another shopping list to be sourced, purchased and fitted. The front brake calliper seals have perished due to standing dry for two years, the decorative cockpit trim needs to be replaced, the front springs had not been collected from ‘Mick’ but, as expected, appear to be grossly inhibited on the shocker, rendering them useless. Worst of all I owe Colin a further £85.00 because the seat bases have required some minor alterations.

Desperate phone calls to tried and tested suppliers have revealed alternative remedies. John at Paddocks can offer ‘exchange’ callipers for £39.00 each but also a repair kit for £6.50 (with the vital ‘bridge seal’ included), together with a set of pistons for £14.00. Max is prepared to exchange callipers for £50.00 each whilst the ‘sheepdip’ brothers still have original ‘Stanpart’ callipers at £65.00. The road spring search is becoming quite a nightmare. Yorkshire springs have not responded to my endless telephone requests, Andy at Europa has been given the hopeless task of searching out the specification, which incidentally remains at an ID of 2.65, a free length of 10.5 with a poundage of 90lbs.

Max still maintains that rear Dolomite springs are the answer being soft at 95lbs but have a free length of 13.2 inches, the same length as a Spitfire spring. “You can just cut ‘em down, they still work,” was the technical advice from Max.

I expect that I am in for a difficult May

Mr. Goafer

Tues.21.04.09. I have spent the past few days chasing around the Lancashire countryside in search of all of the missing links that should see the project draw to a close. The problem is having heard this scenario before I am short of humour as well as money. On Friday John the paint provided two more tins of satin black plus a canister of glue that will bond some imaginary ‘alli’ wind deflectors under the car. This concoction has emanated from an idea of ‘king Brockbank’ who suggests the car will take to the air at 80mph because the lack of weight, down thrust emanating in counter aerodynamics but more likely because the fairies in the sky will beckon the Burlington to heaven where she rightfully belongs.

No one in the UK has stocked ‘Duckhams 10/50’ engine oil since 1965. The transparent green liquid nectar was the premier brand leader back then for any aspiring ‘race boy’. Since the 60’s oil technology has apparently stood still, the

industry unable to produce a superior alternative oil. Luckily, local suppliers Ledsons were able to order 2 x 4.5 litres cans. Although ‘big Wayne’ promised same day delivery they only arrived on Monday. The success of the search was soon dulled because they were in fact the wrong grade. I had been sold the ‘Q’ type which was uncovered during the 70’s as being derived from re-cycled pigshit with a dash of pesto to add colour.

Pitching up at Brabbin and Rudd at three minutes to five didn’t help the cause. The staff disappeared recognising me immediately as the dull anorak who has ‘stockmen’ climbing ladders, grubbing around in cardboard boxes or counting out 2 or 3 screws at a time. I commandeered the store for 20 minutes leaving with the sum total of £2.32 worth of assorted nuts and bolts. The following day there was a repeat of the same fiasco at Alfred Derbyshire having spent 45 minutes in the store walking away with £9.56 of nuts bolts and threaded bar.

Paul of Engine Teckniks will not accept the return of the gasket set as he claims that it is in fact the correct unit CK 525, which does actually correspond to the workshop manual serial number. Brockbank had previously insisted that it was incorrect so typically he ordered a replacement for Paddocks. What the fuck is going on? The front spring debacle continues. Yesterday I was requested to have springs replaced at MD Autos. But since lunchtime the goal posts have shifted bringing Rimmers back into the frame. They now provide the correct spring for the Spax adjustable which is one inch less in length to the standard spring. I have been told to cancel the work with MD and order the proper set from Rimmers. Fuck me once more with a big rough pineapple.

Mick at MD Autos had only had time to strip down one of the units so having recovered the other  I travelled to Westmead  to deliver the rest of the swag with also the thought of phoning the order through to ‘Rimmer Brothers’. But having spoken to ‘Moron one Toby’ of the Triumph trade counter he immediately contradicted ‘Moron two Toby’ from the Land Rover trade counter. “He’s given you a bit of bum steer because we only provide two springs, both have the same free length but one is slightly harder than the other.” But we were informed by ‘Moron two Toby’ that the upgrade was lighter as well as being shorter. “That’s not the case, he’s talking through his bumhole, he normally works on Land Rovers therefore he knows ‘jackshit’ about Triumphs!” Back to square one, Rimmers once again having tried an attempted jail break from the ‘fuck off’ bin find themselves firmly up to their eyes in the brown stuff. 

There was nothing left but to grovel back to MD Autos sucking up to Mick to finish the job. Which is exactly what I did. Quite expectedly he couldn’t even consider starting the work the today, he leaves for London tomorrow, Derek Roscoe who could deliver the units to Chris leaves for Lanzerote on Thursday, I leave for France tomorrow, so the job has gone tits up.

The day is falling apart; Brockbank has also reminded me that he still would like payment of £200.00 for rebuilding then fitting the engine. I must have mug written all over my face. Thank fuck I go back to France tomorrow for another month.

The engine has been rebuilt!!

                          Burlington Diary April 2009

Tues.14.04.09. Returning from France after 30 plus days with a paint roller in one hand a hammer in the other with a yard brush permanently stuck up my arse I am pleasantly surprised to discover that the engine has been rebuilt installed and set up by Colin. This has been achieved despite further discussion regarding the authenticity of the head gasket. Several phone calls had been made principally to John of Paddocks, Max of Totally Triumph along with ‘some smart, pretentious fucker’ in the south. I do recall having phoned Phil of, the infamous GKN fame, to confirm the serial number of the correct part but this information seems to have been mislaid over the past month. I am now in possession of the original incorrect unit supplied by Paul of Engine Tekniks which I must return to obtain a refund which is likely as England winning the world cup.

The better news is that the car is apparently only ‘a few minor mods’ away from completion: no comment. 

Sun.19.04.09. Down at the Oak I discovered that the night before was Salty’s 60^th birthday. Attended by family with only close friends, we, unsurprisingly, were not invited, similarly neither was Lewis or Jack Eastham who is probably likewise gauche, definitely beneath the lofty aspirations of the Santus brood. Lowtie claimed it was a good ‘do’ with free ale, caterers orchestrated by professional ‘party planners’. Each room was decked out representing famous watering holes from the past plus some from the  present: ‘The Saracens Head’, ‘The Brocket’, ‘The White Crow’, significantly most of the fringe players found themselves in the ‘King Billy’ of Platt Wazz fame, the roughest pub in Wigan. After dinner the guests were treated to a ‘pub style’ quiz, Lowtie claiming the top prize with his correct answer to “what is the name given to a collection of Owls?”, a ‘Parliament’ boasted John firmly, incisively, classically demonstrating his unusual but extensive knowledge of the fish, fur and fowl. 

I still do not understand why any social event connected to Philip winds me up, drives me spiralling down into a black poisonous mood: re-inventing my response when I eventually become one of the favoured who have been requested to attend one of his backslapping soirees. Unfortunately I cannot come up with anything that improves upon ‘just fuck off’. 

Another pay day for someone else

Mon.09.03.09. Paul has finally confirmed the cost of the work on the engine. To my horror it is £817.71p. I immediately descended into ‘meltdown’. The price was explained as the cost of the parts that creep up slowly. “I always prefer to inform the client the true cost of ‘bits’ so that it isn’t a sudden shock to the system, but Chris told me just to press on with it!” this was a reasoned argument. Having later verified the cost of equivalent prices from Paddocks the figures stacked up.

£150.00 the cost to re-polishing of the head.

£147.00 to re-sighting the valves.

£200.00 to re-grind, re-bore and skim the block

£108.00 the cost of the pistons, rings and gudgeon pins

£50.00 for the bearings.

£45.00 for a complete gasket set

£107.00 for the dreaded Vat. Which cannot be lost.

Nevertheless this a bitter pill to swallow. Justifiably Jo is extremely upset. The project is again haemorrhaging money. Brockbank has completed the job once before, should he be trusted not to fuck up again, maybe, Chris also screwed up by tampering, incorrectly with the ‘stage 2 head’ during the re-assemble? The fuck ups cannot be simply shrugged off anymore with “if we had only known earlier, we should have learned our lesson by now, we have made too many mistakes!” that at least is something that is correct! This amount of cash seems less and less appropriate more than 3 years into the re-build. I am more than pissed off. I retired to bed early with a raging headache, I wonder why?

Weds.11.03.09. I have collected the engine bits: ‘bits’ being the operative word. Several boxes contained pistons with rings, main and big end bearings, seals, gasket sets, the re-bored block, re-ground crankshaft, re-modified, re-assembled head in addition there was even a charge for carriage. All these items were delivered to Westmead for Colin to work his magic building the engine properly this time. I leave for France tomorrow staying at Gemmas’ for a couple of nights to see Sam. On Saturday morning we fly from Gatwick to Marseille to prepare the house for sale from April 1^st.

The project finally continues

                                         Burlington Diary March 2009

Sun.01.03.09. There has been no work on the project. I am becoming increasingly perturbed as this stagnation is now into its third month. There has never been as long a break as this. I am at a loss as to how to approach this problem.

Meanwhile, at the Oak on Sunday the band, ‘The Stags’ had a bizarre ‘quiz’ half way through their first set. There were occasional bonus prizes, a winner’s prize for the most correct answers but also a major reward for the funniest title of the team.

Strangely, the victorious team name turned out to be ‘Dick’s talking parrots and his clockwork monkeys’.  

Sat.07.10.09. Suddenly Chris has awoken from his slumber. Colin has paid him a visit, having returned from other ‘works in progress’ expressing his desire to re-build the engine.

I am to get in touch with Paul on Monday to arrange a time when the engine is available for pick up.

Another frustrating month

                                 Burlington Diary February 2009

Sun.08.02.09. I have returned from France today to find there has been no progress what so ever. Chris again, has had family problems, a great deal of inertia resulting in what appears to be a morbid disinterest in the project. I have been requested to formulate another list. Fuck that.

 

Tues.10.02.09. Paul has completed the work on the block but it is not the price that I assumed it would be. Over the next few days he will assemble his bill which includes not just the re-grind, re-bore and head skim, but the new shells, rings and bearings. The head has been completely re-built by his colleague at an estimated cost of £150.00, his comment when I suggested recalling his price for the work to be the same was ‘you wish’. I am dreading what it in fact it will be! Here we fucking go again. 

Tues.17.02.09. It has been a week since I approached Paul regarding the engine and cylinder head. After he had calculated the exact cost of the work he was to contact me so that I could then put everything else in place so to enable the project to begin again in earnest. I also suspect for what ever reason that Chris has, in fact, deflected the call just to stall a little longer. Perhaps unbeknown to Chris the next few weeks will possibly be the only block of time that I shall have available this year, due to the commitment with Tarascon as well as Burgundy: but I must ‘press on’ in France regardless of what happens here.

I discovered via Knocker that ‘Lou’ who now is based in Leeds visits Wigan quite regularly, even though her relationship with Andy Lewis is dead in the water. Jimmy the Axe is her accountant and as such she needs to touch base in order to pass on various data regarding her affairs. I recollect from past conversations that she has had at least one book published, but her working life is principally involved organising major events, various entertainment promotions, publishing, advertising ..etc. I have arranged with Jimmy to meet her on Friday for an initial chat about the project, or other possible alternative routes to bring my magnificent script into the public domain?

Thurs.19.02.09. I have contacted Paul regarding the engine but he has still not worked out the cost for the job.

Fri.20.02.09. Chris has been in contact with Paul who apparently needs to order a head gasket, but he is unsure which one is the true specification. After a quick call to Phil of XRN it was established that an AK 520 standard gasket is the correct model. This information has been past on. There will be news on Monday. I hope.

The meeting with Lou did not happen as she has changed her proposed rendezvous with Jimmy the Axe for sometime in the future. We shall see?

'Mille Miglia' another new year!

                                         Burlington Dairy January 2009.

 

Thurs.01.01.09. The year has started badly with a raging head from the revelries of the previous night but mainly because there has been no movement on the project over the festive or even the weeks before. Paul has been closed for this period so I have not been able to chase up the engine rebuild.

The only bright note has been the emergence of perhaps another target; the ‘Mille Miglia’ rally in Italy. There has been a recent show where celebrity chef ‘James Martin’ entered using a 1948 Maserati. He bought his vehicle for £650,000 from an Italian dealer, had the car totally rebuilt at a cost of £200,000 but after only 120 miles into the rally the engine broke a valve, which could not be repaired or replaced dramatically he found himself out of the race after only a few hours. The big wuss melted into a blubbering wreck. Understandable I suppose having shelled out nearly one million quid with the nine months of planning to drive so few miles. He must have money to ‘piss’ away.

The original race began in 1927 when after losing the Italian Grands Prix to Monza the town of Brescia decided to have its own race; being over 1000 Roman Miles it became known as the Mille Miglia. The race took on various guises as well as numerous routes over the initial years but it was later established to run a circular course heading first of all south to Rome looping north to Brescia for the finish. It has been since established as a ‘rally’ as opposed to a race when in 1957 the drivers of a Ferrari, Alfonso de Portago and his navigator Edmund Nelson, ploughed into 8 spectators in the tiny village of Guidizzolo due to a blown tyre. From 1958 it has remained in the form of time trials rally where cars leave every 30 seconds at each stage, the least powerful beginning first. To qualify the cars must have been constructed between 1927 and 1957, plus an £8000 entrance fee is required upon selection.

Last year the 2008 the race began in May from Brescia to Verona, Ferrara, San Marino, Urbina, Assisi then finally into Rome. On the return leg the drivers proceed to Sienna, Florence, Modena and then into Brescia. The rally was won again by an Italian team comprising of Luciano and Antonio Viara in a 1928 Alfa Romeo 6C 1500 sport. The only other winners who were not Italian had been two Germans drivers, but in 1955 Sterling Moss and Denis Jenkinson in a 300SLR Mercedes Benz won the race at a record average speed of 99.5 mph. This speed has since never been beaten. I may fly a kite this evening in the Oak to see if Chris bites. We could aim for next May perhaps join the ‘Mille Miglia’? but only after the rally has finished; for two reasons, the Burlington is post 1957, but more relevantly, I don’t have the eight grand entrance fee.

Mon.06.01.09. Everyone has officially returned to work today so I took the opportunity to speak to Paul regarding the state of the engine. He confirmed that as far as he was concerned the block is completed but he was waiting for instructions regarding the head. Chris obviously had not past on my request to totally rebuild the top end; as a result the work has not yet been started. I leave for France tomorrow, for at least one month, by which time I trust everything should be in place.

Yesterday I planted the seed of the ‘Miglia Mille’ but it fell on deaf ears.

Fancy dress

Fri.26.12.08. Boxing Day. We have gathered early in the oak before the ‘mad’ Wigan annual fancy dress night gets underway. The participants began to drift in around 7.00pm. Groups of young men sporting green wigs, the ‘umph a lump-as’, I had obviously not a clue who these people were supposed to be as was the case with the many other ‘party goers’ who settled in the pub. There were the usual action heroes with brightly coloured padded suits, cavemen, cave women, characters from musicals, the list was endless. These young people hailed from throughout the northwest such was the notoriety of the event.

The Oak took on something of the ‘Folies’ or the mood of the 19^th. Century Parisian dance hall the ‘Moulin Rouge’. I half expected stumpy Jose Ferrer to waddle up to the bar pursued by Jane Avril, la Gulu and that bloke dancer with the pointed nose and chin. Thinking back, these gaily dressed visitors were no more out of place in the Oak than the normally clad Doctor Dave, Billy Green, the ‘Doc’, or even the ever more boldly dressed Danny Brennan.

If I ever desired that wonderful life of Paris in late quarter of the 1900’s I need look no further than the Oak.    

I seem to be paying twice for the same service?

Weds.17.12.08. Last night in the Oak I settled my latest debt with Colin of £100.00 for him to dismantle the engine that he had so meticulously built on 26.10.06. This is the same engine that actually ‘blew up’ after burning just one pint of petrol. When it returns from its £150.00 re-ground crank and re-bore from ‘Engine Techniks’ I shall probably need to pay him some more to complete the conclusive assembly. I have also settled the small debt of £25.00 to Chris for a battery. He has also asked me to write the definitive, final, last, ultimate ‘programme of work’. Having written ten previously, all of which have been taped to the wall to be completely ignored, I am reluctant to obey. The block is ready to be collected from ‘Engine Tekniks’ but ‘how and when’ I have yet to discover, I patiently wait for instruction: maybe when Chris has tidied his garage, definitively, finally, lastly and ultimately?

                                                           

Fri.19.12.08. I have contacted the DVLA in Manchester. ‘Christine’, who actually does not work there but who was very pleasant, has been informed of the delay to the engine rebuild. The result is that I shall contact their office in February with an up date. I think the guy who is responsible is called Kalid Alim?

Weds.24.12.08. Today is Christmas Eve. So what? Meeting early in the Oak the conversation was primarily concerned with shopping, gifts and drink. Everyone had differing arrangements for Christmas Day that involved all three. The only slightly strange lunch would be at Preacher Stevens where Mick would be the guest of honour: I wonder if Steven has also invited some of the less then respectable parishioners from Platt Wazz?

Braggarts corner

It seems that the Doc and Mick are bonding. They visited the Manchester Christmas market today staying much longer than they planned partaking of a liquid lunch: principally, a ‘glaas of Cham’ at ‘firteen paands a pop’ in Selfridges, whilst waiting for Kerry, Docs daughter, to finish her shopping. They did manage to purchase some farmhouse produce but the temptation of a six course meal for 20 quid was impossible to refuse. “I ‘ad dem ‘gargantuan beans in ‘erbs an’ chilli, priceless!, mussels in sawse aoli, pipin’ ‘ot salad wiv feta crumbled awl ova, ‘oney covered smoked gammon, willies pears wiv blueberry drizzle, an’ a nob of the best stilton in the world washed daan wiv a 1963 Quinta du Noval, it was awl buoot!” The planned morning excursion had turned into a day of feasting and drinking, they both had returned grinning posturing brashly boasting about what a good time they’d had in Manchester.

 “Mind you it’s noffink to what I’m goina ‘ave in Antigua”. After a brief sparring contest with Captain Salty as to which was the very best ‘otel on the island, was it the  five star ‘Georgian’ or the ‘Albion’, was it safe in the ‘rasta’ shacks where they smoked ‘puff’, sang Bob Marley numbers, drank rum, danced till dawn an’ shagged each uvva rotton. “Anyway, I got this paass that gets me into any VIP lounge in any airport in the world, I gotta check in at six foa a flight at ten so I can drink as much ‘fizz’ as I wants, get on the plane ‘club claas’, cos I always gets upgraded, ten hours time I’m ‘avin’ mi first ‘mojita’ in the ‘otel wiv mi mates. The followin’ day I normally as a foa hour breakfast on the beach, followed by some drinks an’ that’s when I ‘as mi first bird. By seven at night I’ve probably ‘ad abawt free oa foa. That’s my week awl planned out!” claimed modest Mick, a lot.

It seems that Mick has a brother, called Keef (the original 'Mick an' Keef') who runs a camping shop in Newquay? A friend who has lived there for years volunteered this strange ‘parallel’ after a recent visit to his shop. He needed a bottle of gas for his camper van as he was travelling to Woburn Abbey that weekend. “Wot you goin’ there foa?” inquired Keef. “It’s Jan’s birthday and I am taking her, as a surprise, to a ‘Tina Turner’ concert in the grounds of the hall” Neil replied. “Tina Turner, Tina fackin’ Turna” responded Keef, who had obviously a significant tale up his sleeve. “I ‘appened to be in Paris laast weekend wiv mi mate. Knowin’ Paris like the back of ‘is ‘and an’ awlso bein’ well connected ‘ee suggested that we went to this Bistro that was located in the back streets of Montmartre. Underneef a Patisserie was this dimly lit smoall restaurant wiv abawt twelve oa firteen tables. As we settled in, oo should be on the next table but Tina Turner, Tina fackin’ Turna. No soona said than done she gets up from ‘er table simultaneously clickin’ ‘er fingas to a geeza in the cawna who started tinkli’ the ivories. Crossin’ the room towards us she’s beltin’ out ‘simply the best’. As quick as a flash she’s on mi knee strokin’ mi hair. It weren’t long befoa she’d wipped out mi cock blowin’ mi like a bugle; Tina fackin’ Turna unfackinbelievable!” Bugger me, Tinafuckin’Turna, Neil nodded, smiled acknowledging the romance, then he walked out with his gas bottle

The block is the problem

Thurs.11.12.08. Paul has contacted Chris regarding the work on the engine. Collectively there have been many minor faults that that have been rectified by grinding the crank and re-boring the cylinder sleeves which should eliminate any future problems. The cost of the block is £150.00 which does sound reasonable but it is a tad galling since I have already paid to have the engine totally rebuilt. He still maintains that the ‘head’ is a total mess encouraging me to contact XRN for a complete explanation of their dreadful workmanship.

 At the very least some kind of recompense for such shoddy work should be offered. I shall write to XRN in Guilford requesting clarification of their quality control systems.

Best grub.

Sat.06.12.08. The Doc and Mick had returned early in the afternoon from their travels. None had become aware of the ‘elephant in the box’ so I did not need to explain my reckless contribution. They had been feasting on a variety of cheeses and wines from the hamper of spoils that they had pillaged from the land. They were not making a great deal of sense by 5.30. As it turned out the itinerary had taken them on a circular route, first to Whitby on the east coast, back over the snowy Pennines to Penrith, Keswick, Kendal and finally last night to Ampleforth. They had eaten the best food in the best places; both were determined that the break was not over. “I’ll tell you somefink, you couldn’t buy betta stuff than we’ve ‘ad this week, not even in fackin’ London. Fackin’ oystas, lobstas an’ scallops, we’ve even ‘ad crabs” swanked Mick. “Mind you, it all depends what mix of clothes you’ve got in the washing machine, how long they are in and at what temperature” theorised Doc. It was time to go home.

Sun.07.12.08. To my shock and horror Jo and I went down to the Oak to watch the Sunday afternoon band but who should be propping up the bar but Joe Berry. He was wearing an identical leather jacket that I bought as a personal birthday present, 2 weeks ago in TK Maxx. I had bought it specifically to wear whilst driving the Burlington. Brown soft zip up fur collar: it was perfect. They only had two in the store so what kind of coincidence is that. I have not worn it yet thinking of only using it when the car is on the road. If it had been a stranger, even a skanky from Platt Wazz or Lower Ince I wouldn’t have minded so much but because it is Joe who is a regular in the Oak, it’s a disaster. This is another moral dilemma, pride versus common sense. I suppose the bottom line would be whether or not I really like the jacket, perhaps also, if I had seen some low life degenerate wearing it would it have put me off even more. The guilt of buying something that I really do not actually need is also gnawing away generating feelings of extravagance ‘have I not spent enough on the car as it is’..etc? Luckily I have kept the receipt, labels along with the other additional tags but when I checked these were only valid up to the 6^th. which was yesterday, bummer.