Mr. Goafer

Tues.21.04.09. I have spent the past few days chasing around the Lancashire countryside in search of all of the missing links that should see the project draw to a close. The problem is having heard this scenario before I am short of humour as well as money. On Friday John the paint provided two more tins of satin black plus a canister of glue that will bond some imaginary ‘alli’ wind deflectors under the car. This concoction has emanated from an idea of ‘king Brockbank’ who suggests the car will take to the air at 80mph because the lack of weight, down thrust emanating in counter aerodynamics but more likely because the fairies in the sky will beckon the Burlington to heaven where she rightfully belongs.

No one in the UK has stocked ‘Duckhams 10/50’ engine oil since 1965. The transparent green liquid nectar was the premier brand leader back then for any aspiring ‘race boy’. Since the 60’s oil technology has apparently stood still, the

industry unable to produce a superior alternative oil. Luckily, local suppliers Ledsons were able to order 2 x 4.5 litres cans. Although ‘big Wayne’ promised same day delivery they only arrived on Monday. The success of the search was soon dulled because they were in fact the wrong grade. I had been sold the ‘Q’ type which was uncovered during the 70’s as being derived from re-cycled pigshit with a dash of pesto to add colour.

Pitching up at Brabbin and Rudd at three minutes to five didn’t help the cause. The staff disappeared recognising me immediately as the dull anorak who has ‘stockmen’ climbing ladders, grubbing around in cardboard boxes or counting out 2 or 3 screws at a time. I commandeered the store for 20 minutes leaving with the sum total of £2.32 worth of assorted nuts and bolts. The following day there was a repeat of the same fiasco at Alfred Derbyshire having spent 45 minutes in the store walking away with £9.56 of nuts bolts and threaded bar.

Paul of Engine Teckniks will not accept the return of the gasket set as he claims that it is in fact the correct unit CK 525, which does actually correspond to the workshop manual serial number. Brockbank had previously insisted that it was incorrect so typically he ordered a replacement for Paddocks. What the fuck is going on? The front spring debacle continues. Yesterday I was requested to have springs replaced at MD Autos. But since lunchtime the goal posts have shifted bringing Rimmers back into the frame. They now provide the correct spring for the Spax adjustable which is one inch less in length to the standard spring. I have been told to cancel the work with MD and order the proper set from Rimmers. Fuck me once more with a big rough pineapple.

Mick at MD Autos had only had time to strip down one of the units so having recovered the other  I travelled to Westmead  to deliver the rest of the swag with also the thought of phoning the order through to ‘Rimmer Brothers’. But having spoken to ‘Moron one Toby’ of the Triumph trade counter he immediately contradicted ‘Moron two Toby’ from the Land Rover trade counter. “He’s given you a bit of bum steer because we only provide two springs, both have the same free length but one is slightly harder than the other.” But we were informed by ‘Moron two Toby’ that the upgrade was lighter as well as being shorter. “That’s not the case, he’s talking through his bumhole, he normally works on Land Rovers therefore he knows ‘jackshit’ about Triumphs!” Back to square one, Rimmers once again having tried an attempted jail break from the ‘fuck off’ bin find themselves firmly up to their eyes in the brown stuff. 

There was nothing left but to grovel back to MD Autos sucking up to Mick to finish the job. Which is exactly what I did. Quite expectedly he couldn’t even consider starting the work the today, he leaves for London tomorrow, Derek Roscoe who could deliver the units to Chris leaves for Lanzerote on Thursday, I leave for France tomorrow, so the job has gone tits up.

The day is falling apart; Brockbank has also reminded me that he still would like payment of £200.00 for rebuilding then fitting the engine. I must have mug written all over my face. Thank fuck I go back to France tomorrow for another month.