Epitaph

                                       Burlington Diary February 2012

This could be the final piece of dialogue about The Burlington SS project that began way back in March 2006. Not the joyous conclusion I had wished for but a true end none the less. I am not completely free from blame. Re-visiting the same old ground I have eventually decided that my earlier compliance to every concept, routes travelled, time frames abandoned, deadlines never met plus the numerous occasions when I always ‘fell in line’ or just plain, ‘rolled over’, had contributed ultimately to the ‘messy divorce’. I allowed my personal parameters to be undermined too many times becoming the easy target, the whipping boy. A bully can smell weakness; repeated criticism becomes straightforward, effortless, developing into reinforced, established behaviour. Only realising these characteristics after the event is my excuse; the deep rooted resentment is as much my fault as his. I must, therefore, share the responsibility of this unacceptable, distasteful and uncomfortable conclusion.

Sun.19.02.12. I have kept my distance From Chris Ball for the past 6 months avoiding any possible contact in the Oak; Jo and I usually watch the bands on Sunday from the safety of the vault, it is the only time that we venture into the pub when he is present. But regrettably, there have been notable events in my private life that have taken priority over the ‘Ball’ saga. Dad has been discharged from the Stewart assessment centre on the 22^nd of October to be admitted to Broad Oak Manor nursing home. He remains there to this day despite being transferred with the sole purpose of spending his final few weeks receiving ‘palliative’ care. Sadly, Mum died quite suddenly on the 23^rd of January, I suspect that she had finally accepted that dad would not ever return home: she became depressed and possibly just gave up. After 2 weeks of illness, again with the stubborn refusal to receive professional care she was admitted to Whiston hospital where she died during the night due to the deep seated infection in her chest: ‘community pneumonia’ was the actual cause of death. The home visits earlier in the week from Dr. Russell along with the prescribed antibiotics had not done the trick. She did in fact have her final wish, she would never ‘go into care’, neither would she ever accept any external support; these two factors eventually became her undoing. I found it very difficult to grieve openly at the funeral apart from empathising with dad who had assimilated his wife’s demise responding appropriately at the service. The intention in the future is to have a joint ‘celebration’ when Dad’s situation is resolved; a proper send off. Until then we mark time. We visit Dad every day, he seems strong but his mental state fluctuates, he also appears very frail.

Mike has been over for the funeral and offered some sound advice regarding the irretrievable situation that exists between Chris and I. He feels strongly that the conflicting interpretation of the major issues continued for far too long, deep seated bitterness and resentment had set in becoming entrenched, embellished and reinforced by the passing of time. The verbal and physical attack on the 23^rd July 2011 was the result of this festering resentment that had been ‘slowly cooked up’ over the previous 18 months. There was absolutely zero rational supporting the ‘claimed’ elementary facts. There had been exaggerated, fictitious statements, incorrect time frames, procedural decisions untruthfully exclaimed as well as the complete misinterpretation of the real events. Mike had had a similar situation during his early years in business, where he allowed a problem to rankle only confronting the major concerns when it was too late. His interpretation of events had become warped, his understanding of the personal problems misjudged. He harboured bitterness for many years afterwards in an attempt to make sense of what had happened; he chewed over the conflicting facts, procedures and outcomes. In his mind he could not resolve the ‘event’ at all until he was faced with the comparable problem that he vowed to address immediately; it was only then that he could enjoy total closure from the primary problem. The moral of the story is that, no matter what I do or say Chris will always harbour anger and resentment over the affair; it may be manifested in another guise but the indisputable obstruction will always be the ‘Burlington’. I have therefore decided to have no contact whatsoever with Chris. Nothing will satisfy his acrimonious animosity towards myself. He will never be convinced, persuaded or proven to be in any way responsible for this dreadful state of affairs.

Yet, on Sunday whilst leaving the pub he had another snipe; in typically sneaky fashion; after a smiling greeting to Jo he turned to me ‘slyly whispering’ that ‘manners cost nothing’, and with that left the pub. I have now a greater understanding of Mike’s advice. This problem will not go away. I still feel that complete non contact is the only remedy: but again, I feel that this will not be enough for Chris Ball.

Although the project is concluded I plan to take the Burlington on many continental trips over the next few years. I shall endeavour to be informative, intuitive and most of all content. I shall post as blogs when I have sufficient material: please keep in touch.
Many thanks for following my story; I hope you have enjoyed the journey as much as myself.